“I’m also legally obligated to tell you,” said Eisenstatt, “for medical purposes, we define cure as the disease being in remission for at least five years.”
An unhappy squeal, little hands pushing away from Alice’s neck.
Oliver was respectful, if uncertain: “You said you’ve only been doing them for five years?”
“Exactly,” piped Bhakti.
“Classifying remission as five years doesn’t mean your leukemia will return in five years,” Eisenstatt answered. “As you said, you’re young. You have a history of being healthy, a daughter and a husband — you have every reason to live.”
—
Early in the afternoon, on day forty-seven since Alice’s diagnosis in New Hampshire, Oliver was standing in the back of the exam room, listening to a chunky-watch-wearing catalogue-looking motherfucker talking about some sort of irregularities with Alice’s blood work. Alice’s numbers weren’t bad, the doctor was saying. But he was still concerned with the makeup of Alice’s cells. In fact, Oliver was watching the guy push to do some procedure that Oliver had vaguely heard references to before. “I’d like to do it as soon as possible,” he was saying to Alice, “if that’s okay with you.”
This procedure, this aspirate — this bone marrow aspirate — would allow Dr. Eisenstatt to find out what was going on with the closest person to Oliver on this stupid planet, Oliver was hearing. And usually, when Oliver heard something scary, his means of dealing with, or addressing his fears was to share them, only he couldn’t, not now, because these worst-case scenarios all involved the person he wanted to share them with. So, the sharing option wasn’t on the table. And this lovely woman, she was bereft, her body racked, tremorous. She was gulping through tears: “I’m never going to get better.”
Some sort of levee inside Oliver was breached, and now tears stung, left hot trails down his cheeks. “You’re not allowed to say that,” he said, fighting to breathe, embracing his wife. His voice went sharp: “That can’t be true.”
—
Alice had a deep-rooted conviction that, as a means of expression, tears were just as valid as speaking, just as necessary as laughter. Anywhere, any time, no matter how uncomfortable it may have made people around her, Alice was fine with a good cry. If Oliver mocked her, if he derived pleasure from needling her, that didn’t matter much, in the end — for after all his little quips went silent, he still put up with her waterworks. Meanwhile, Alice could count on one hand the number of times she’d seen him cry. Number one was easy: when he’d cut the umbilical cord on his baby girl and taken Doe in his arms for the first time. Two, also easy: their wedding, staring into Alice’s eyes, slowly rocking to and fro while the Ramones blared around them and friends watched in silent joy, their first dance together as man and wife. Three: the call from his mother with news that Magoo, his beloved childhood dog, had finally been put down. Then when that power forward on the Knicks — who Oliver rooted for and insisted was underrated — had choked on consecutive point-blank layups during a key sequence of a deciding play-off game against Jordan and the Bulls. (The image fresh even now to her: the final buzzer sounding; Oliver walking numbly away from the television, shutting their bedroom door behind him; minutes later Alice entering to see him sitting on the edge of the bed, face in his hands.)
Six years together and she could count these four times — three legit, one ridiculous and endearing. Now number five.
In less time than it took her to blink the tears away, not two seconds after they’d begun, Alice decided that if one ramification of her tears was going to be the loss of her husband’s equilibrium, if seeing her crying was going to get him crying, if he was going to worry that she wasn’t going to be able to deal with what lay ahead, and this worry was going to mean he wouldn’t be able to deal — then, she wouldn’t be the one who let them down.
She disengaged from Oliver’s arms, dabbed at her eyes.
Doe, still cradled in her arms, was looking up at her, the largest, most concerned eyes ever put on a baby.
“Just a tug,” she said, “or the full regime?”
“Full aspirate,” answered Eisenstatt.
Alice could tell the doctor was being careful, wanted to keep their conversation grounded. “You should know,” he continued, “there are a lot of bone marrow biopsies.”
“My third,” Alice sniffed.
“It’s a stretch to say you’ll get used to having these procedures, but they should stop being foreign. Before we start a round of chemotherapy, we always confirm with an aspirate and biopsy. That’s what this is for.”
“Excuse me?” Alice asked, bouncing the child. “Another round?”
“We know more chemo is part of the regimen,” Oliver said. “But you don’t mean another round, now?”
“What kind of time frame are we dealing with, Doctor?”
“There’s really no point in getting excited by hypotheticals,” Eisenstatt said. “Let’s just see what the aspirate tells us.”
Alice managed to nod, while Oliver stared with murderous intent at the series of plugs and holes against the back wall. Alice was peripherally aware of a knock at the door; a nurse entering, sharing something with the nurse-practitioner. She was aware of Dr. Bhakti, watching her, projecting a concerned, or at least involved vibe, while at the same time running a hand through that luxurious and well-conditioned hair. If Alice looked at the visiting cancer fellow right now, she’d scratch out that bitch’s eyes.
This was when the baby decided she’d been on best behavior long enough. Rubbing her eyes would no longer suffice. Rubbing her ears had become old hat. Even rediscovering how good her toes tasted didn’t placate. Doe let everyone within the tristate area know her nappy time was long overdue. It was an affront that people were paying attention to everything but her. Knee bounces and a fresh pacifier weren’t going to solve jack. And when it seemed like her cries couldn’t become louder, they became louder. Alice focused on a spot directly across the room. Her world became that small spot. After two counts, the spot widened to include her fussing child.
“Is there a bottle?” she asked.
“I also have something in my notes about the insurance,” said Howard Eisenstatt, MD.
“Actually, that’s what I’m here about,” Requita said. “Business office called. On your way out, you need to go see them. I know you already did. They have something more.”
“Give her,” Oliver said. “Give her to me.”
Taking the baby, he said, “You’re a good girl, okay, there, there,” and started away from Alice, away from Eisenstatt, along the empty side of the exam room. “I’ve been dealing with Unified.” His voice was resigned, more than a little defensive. “It’s not a big deal, a bunch of red tape, mostly. But trying to get people to read the facts that are right in front of them, don’t ask me why — it’s really not worth getting into here.”
Eisenstatt had the expression of a judge who may have sympathized with the defendant but had been through the courtroom sob story more times than he could count. “By necessity there’s a wall between medical and billing.” His arms folded over his clipboard and held to the middle of his chest. “I hate insurance companies. Hate them. We’ll do what we can.” He asked the nurse-practitioner to put Oliver and Alice in touch with the hospital’s social services liaison. She could act as a mediator and help with financial aid forms, if it came to that. “Make no mistake,” said Eisenstatt. “You have to get this settled. Getting you to a transplant is the only option here.”