And if he was not, if that were a lie… He made himself take a breath, his chest aching with something that was neither fear nor grief but some strange mixture of the two. If he were human, somehow transformed — he could not make himself go further.
The dark-haired queen of his dreams seemed to stand before him — a human queen, he realized for the first time, and there was a tired smile on her face. Rodney, she had called him — all the Lanteans had called him that, and tried to help him; they wouldn’t keep up a pretense as long as they had, wouldn’t try that lie when he stood before them armed, leading armed drones into their city. McKay, they had said. Rodney, we can help you…
*No,* he said, and hit the keys that would back him out of the database. *It isn’t true. I am Quicksilver, chief among clevermen, Quicksilver, Dust’s brother…* The words rang hollow.
Teyla stepped through the Stargate out into a warm morning on New Athos. She couldn’t help feeling her fingers tightening around the grip of her P90, and wondered if she would ever be able to step out onto New Athos again without remembering the day they lost Rodney to the Wraith.
Beside her, Ronon seemed untroubled, although he had his pistol in his hand. He paced her as they walked toward the settlement, his feet crunching on the dry grass.
“You know, you’re not going to be able to keep Sheppard and Kanaan from being in the same place forever,” Ronon said.
“I cannot imagine what you mean,” Teyla said.
Ronon shook his head. “Sure.”
She had to admit to herself that she wasn’t eager to bring John to New Athos yet, and told herself it was only because this thing between them was so new. Kanaan had teased her for that, back when they were friends, before they were lovers or whatever it was they were now. Our Teyla, cautious only in love. But now she supposed he would not call her “our Teyla” at all.
She tried not to let that sting, and to pretend that she had no doubts about how she would be received in the Athosian settlement. Probably better than she would have if she’d brought John, for all that he got along well with Halling and the others. She couldn’t pretend it was for John’s sake that she had asked Ronon to accompany her instead. It was for her own sake, selfishly, because she was not yet ready to hear “so this is the man of the Lanteans Teyla left us for.”
It was untrue and unfair; she had left Athos to defend her people from the Wraith, and she hated the idea that people might think otherwise. It was also something no one had yet said. It was unfair to be angry at people for what she only feared they were thinking, and unfair to arrange always to visit without John as if she were ashamed of him, and unfair to drag Ronon into the tangled mess she had created.
“I am sorry for dragging you back here again,” Teyla said, as that was the only part of the matter she felt she could remedy.
“It’s not a problem,” Ronon said. “I just think eventually they’re going to run into each other. It’s not like Sheppard’s going to start a fight.”
“No,” Teyla said. “He will more likely be awkward and say nothing. And Kanaan will say nothing that would cause a scene.” If she had been living in the settlement, they would have had to deal with this already. It would have been understood that both of them would find other partners eventually after they separated, and that they would both have to live with that or move on permanently. There was no room in such a small community for any other choice.
“So, there’s no problem.”
“There is not a problem,” Teyla said. “I just… am not ready.”
“Suit yourself,” Ronon said.
She could see the settlement now, see people working and a couple of small children playing a game of tag at the outskirts of the camp. She heard Torren call “Mama!” before she saw him dashing toward her, and bent swiftly to gather him up in her arms when he reached her.
“Torren,” she said, holding him close. “Come here and let me see you.”
“We playing chase,” he said, pointing to a pair of children who hung back, watching her. The older girl was Jaidie, her hair now grown out from a cropped baby cut into long braids down her back, but for a moment she couldn’t call the younger boy’s name to mind, until she realized she’d last seen him as a baby at the breast.
She smoothed Torren’s unruly hair and touched his forehead, fighting the temptation to keep him caught tight in her arms so he could not run away. “Finish your game,” she said. “I will be here all afternoon.”
“Promise?” Torren said.
“I promise,” Teyla said, and watched him return to his game, running giggling after the older children, who kept just ahead of him and called for him to come catch them.
“Teyla,” Kanaan said, coming out to meet her. She braced herself and smiled.
“It is good to see you,” she said.
“And you,” Kanaan said. He looked awkward as well, as if not sure how they were to begin after the way they had last parted.
“Ronon, would you mind going to tell Halling we are here?” Teyla said. “And perhaps he will want to show you how the autumn plowing is coming along.”
“Right,” Ronon said, although he didn’t look all that enthusiastic at the prospect of being proudly shown long rows of tilled earth. It was John who had always seemed surprisingly happy to be shown gardens or half-done weaving, John who had always been surrounded at once by a crowd of children who he didn’t seem to have any real desire to fend off. She wished now that she had brought him, despite her defensiveness at what people might think; it would have been good to see John smile.
“Have you come to take Torren back to Atlantis?” Kanaan said. “You will have to give us some time for that. His things are spread all over the settlement.”
“Not yet,” Teyla said. “We do have a new iris now, a mechanical defense against the Wraith if they open a wormhole to Atlantis. It is good that we have it, because the Wraith have already attacked, attempting to lower our defenses as they did before.” Her eyes were on Torren, who stumbled on the uneven furrows of the fallow field and then picked himself up again without crying. “If it is not too much trouble for you to keep him a few days longer…”
“It is no trouble,” Kanaan said. “I would have him safe.”
“So would I,” Teyla said a little sharply. “But you know as well as do I that New Athos is not perfectly safe either.”
“I do know it,” Kanaan said. He hesitated, and then went on. “I think I have been unfair, when I know this must be a difficult time for you. I… admit I have been jealous, but that is a small matter beside what you must feel at such a time.”
“It is true that we are very worried,” Teyla said, feeling that was an easier topic than their feelings for each other. “I still hope that we will find Rodney soon.”
“I do not know Dr. McKay well, but he is well-respected among the Lanteans, and has been your hunting partner for many years,” Kanaan said. He smiled a little ruefully. “I can hardly object on the grounds that he is not good enough for you.”
“What?” Teyla found herself momentarily at a loss for words.
“I spoke with him briefly, before he was captured. He did not speak of your love in so many words, but he gave me to understand…”