Adam heard her that time. He gave her a nod before looking down at his plate. He stabbed his scrambled eggs with a fork, but he didn’t eat it.
“Adam?” Amber said with a hint of concern in her voice.
“I’m fine,” Adam responded.
“You want me to cook you something else? Some oatmeal? We still have plenty of strawberries.”
Riley tried to imitate her mother. Speaking in baby talk, she blurted out, “Shthawbewwy!”
Amber and Riley giggled together. Their happiness would have cleared Adam’s mind and relieved his stress on a normal day, but ‘normal’ was an idea of the past.
Nothing was the same, and it was never going to be the same again.
He sneered and scratched his scruffy beard. He hadn’t shaved in weeks and he had hardly showered. He was out of motivation. It was like his will to succeed—to survive—had been siphoned from his body.
“So?” Amber asked.
“Huh?”
“You want me to cook you something else?”
“Oh. No. No, it’s fine.”
Adam took a bite of his eggs, then he took a sip of his coffee. He smiled at Amber, but she could tell he was forcing it. His fake happiness made her uncomfortable.
As she helped Riley get another slice of a strawberry into her mouth, Amber asked, “What’s your plan today?”
Her words struck Adam with enough force to slap the fake smile off his face. He drew a sharp breath before slurping some more of his coffee. Then he clenched his teeth and shrugged. Los Angeles had entered a strict lockdown with a shelter-at-home order. Nonessential businesses were advised to close. He had already been out of work for weeks, staying at home to watch the savings in his bank account decrease every day. Along with Dallas and other desperate residents, he was waiting for some support from the government.
Amber said, “Well, if you’re not busy, maybe you can watch a movie with me and Riley.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Amber smiled and said, “It means… maybe you can watch a movie with us if you have time. What did you think I meant?”
“I’m not sure. It’s just… It sounded ‘sarcastic,’ I guess. Like, what did you expect me to be doing today? Working? Going to the gym? Meeting friends for dinner or drinks?”
“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
“So, then… then what were you expecting me to say? You asked about my ‘plan’ today, right? What kind of stupid question is that?”
“Jesus, Adam,” Amber muttered before rolling her eyes and sighing in frustration. “Enough. Just drop it.”
Adam said, “What? What is it? Now you don’t want to talk about it? Hmm?” He laughed without smiling, then he said, “Come on, humor me. What did you think I was ‘planning’ for today?”
In a soft tone, Amber said, “It’s okay, sweetie. Daddy’s just a little frustrated. You and me, we’re going to play—”
Adam slammed his fist on the table and yelled, “Talk to me! Not her!”
There was a moment of silence. Amber glared at her husband with a furious expression that said: What the hell do you think you’re doing? After a few seconds, Riley’s face crumpled like paper and she started crying. Adam’s nose and eyelids twitched. He watched as Amber took Riley out of her chair to coddle her. He sank back into his seat and covered his mouth with his hand, breathing deeply through his nose to calm himself.
He had lost his temper, but he couldn’t stay angry. Guilt replaced the anger. Amber was right after all. He was lashing out because he was frustrated, and he didn’t know how to stop himself from imploding.
He stood up and said, “I’m sorry. I was just—”
“Don’t ever do something like that in front of Riley again,” Amber interrupted. Although Riley continued bawling, her voice was loud enough for Adam to catch her serious tone. She said, “I know you’re angry at the world, but we don’t deserve this.”
“I know, I know. I’m just… I’m…”
‘I’m scared.’ He held his breath to suffocate that phrase. He still couldn’t admit it to his wife. His face reddened and a web of veins spread across his forehead. He let out a long sigh while listening to his daughter’s whining. Amber had already managed to calm her by whispering candied words into her ears and bouncing her gently in her arms.
Adam said, “I’m just… worried. We’re losing money every day. And even if this… this… this bullshit magically ended tomorrow, it’s going to cost us money to restart everything. We can’t just flip a switch on and off, and on and off… and on… and off.”
With Riley sniveling into her chest, Amber said, “I know it’s scary. I’m worried, too, but there’s nothing we can do about it right now. And I told you, I’ll start working from home next month. I got the gig, Adam.”
Through his gritted teeth, Adam asked, “But what about me?”
“You just have to calm down. I know you don’t want to feel… ‘useless’ or anything like that, but we don’t have a lot of options right now. Just try to relax. If not for me, for Riley.”
Adam wiped his face and turned away from his family. He didn’t want them to see him cry. He grabbed a paper towel from the counter and pretended to dab his mouth. He wiped his nose and cheeks instead.
He grunted to clear his throat, then he said, “I’m sorry. I’m going to make some phone calls in my office.”
“You barely touched your breakfast,” Amber said. “Please don’t shutdown on me. Take care of yourself, Adam.”
Adam smiled at her and said, “I will. I’ll, um… I’ll grab a bite at lunch. I promise, I just really need to get my mind straight. Really, it’s nothing.”
Amber saw the pain in Adam’s smile. It was the first time a smile saddened her. She didn’t know how to help him. She was afraid her family—her perfect little life—was falling apart before her very eyes.
Voice trembling, she said, “I’m here if you want to talk.”
Adam approached his family with his head down. He kissed Amber’s cheek, then he kissed Riley’s forehead. Riley looked up at her dad with her big, wet puppy eyes, but Adam couldn’t look at her for more than a second.
He said, “I’m here, too. I’m still here.”
A vacant, steady stare. An open mouth. Beads of cold sweat. A stiff neck.
Adam couldn’t hide his dread. The expression of shell-shock returned. He had locked himself in his office, sat behind his desk, and stared at his cell phone for an hour after breakfast. No one called him and he had no one to call. There were no meetings on his schedule. He knew Dallas was self-quarantining at home with his own wife, and he wasn’t expecting to talk to him unless there was an emergency.
Amber and Riley were in the living room—down the hall, around the corner. He was stuck in the house with them, but he never felt so alone. The walls were closing in on him. They were safe and healthy inside their home, but he couldn’t shake the sense of impending doom looming over him. His gut told him to prepare for the worst.
A quick pop and a ding came out of his iMac’s speakers, pulling Adam’s gaze away from his cell phone. He squinted at the monitor. He had received a message on Facebook. The sender didn’t have a profile picture. The sender’s name read: Mickey Miller. It rang every alarm in Adam’s head. He scooted forward in his seat as he opened the message.