The falum was not difficult to prepare, yet when it lay ready in its pot upon the hearth, I looked upon it with loathing. Never before had I prepared sustenance for a male, indeed, it was often that a male prepared sustenance for me, yet Ceralt sat upon a pelt not far from the fire and awaited his portion to be given him. I tossed my tangled hair free of my arms, then filled a wooden bowl for the male who had commanded slave-duty from me. The odor of the falum had returned the pangs of hunger to me, yet I would not ask to partake of the male’s provender. Perhaps Mida would smile a final time, and starvation would halt my trials.
“Fill another bowl,” said Ceralt, looking up at me as I handed the pot to him. “And fill it as full as possible.”
I knew not what the male wished to do with a second portion, yet it was possible that his hunger was great. Males have unreasonable appetites in many things, and a warrior does well to dismiss the point. I filled a second wooden pot with the cooked grain and returned to the male, yet instead of taking the pot, he gestured to the floor before him.
“Kneel there with it,” said he, sitting straighter with the pot he held. “I do not care for an unfleshed woman, and you have too long followed your own inclinations. I shall see the roundness returned to your bones, for I am not Lialt.”
I knelt as he bid me, frowning at the words he spoke. Still Mida failed to smile upon her warrior, and my frustration was great. Would naught pass the notice of this male before me? Would he leave me no means by which I might escape him? He sat cross-legged upon a lenga pelt, yet the wooden boards of the floor were my lot, immediately bringing an ache to my knees and feet. Again, I had been knelt before a male, and I cared less for it than the instance previous.
“Take this spoon,” directed Ceralt, handing to me a stick of wood which was wider at one end, and somewhat hollowed in the wideness. “With the spoon, you are to bring some falum to my lips and say, ‘As we share the grain of life together, so may we share our lives forever.’ Are you able to recall the words?”
I gazed upon him, the seriousness in his light eyes a palpable thing, and could do no more than nod my head. I knelt before him, a slave to his bidding, the heat within me scarcely bearable, and this was to be my chosen state forever? Perhaps the custom had meaning between others, yet I, from my knees, could not envision such a thing. Stiffly, and with great reluctance, I raised the falum to his lips, speaking the words without tone or inflection, wishing I might hurl the entire thing from me and run to the forests and from the sight of him. He took the falum from the bit of wood, his gaze unmoving from my face, and the taste of the grain seemed more than sweet to him. He swallowed it with great and solemn joy, then took the bit of wood from my hand.
“ ‘As we share the grain of life together,’ ” said he, dipping the wood in the pot I held, then bringing it full to my lips, “ ‘so may we share our lives forever.’ ”
I swallowed the falum, as was expected, yet the taste of it brought no sweetness to me as it had to Ceralt. The male, however, laughed softly in pleasure, and put his hand to my face.
“Now that I have made you truly mine,” said he, “we must remove the sourness from your disposition. That you do not wish to be mine is evident, yet you may not deny me. Perhaps with a hot meal within you, the sourness may be lessened.”
He then removed his hand and proceeded to offer me more of the falum, refusing to hear my demurrals. The grain in the pot was fed to me, a bit at a time, till I felt ill and near to bursting, yet the male continued on till the last of the falum had been swallowed. My mouth burned from the heat of it, and my teeth ached as well, yet every drop slid down my gullet till the pot contained no more. I was then given the bit of wood and instructed to see to Ceralt’s hunger, and the male leaned back at ease as I fed him from his own pot, his body relaxed upon the pelt, his eyes unmoving from my face. When I was finally done and the falum was no more, Ceralt stretched wide upon the pelt and grinned at me.
“It is truly pleasing having you tend to me so,” he said, then placed his hand upon my thigh beneath my garment. “Women bring greater interest to a man’s life, and the softness of their bodies is but a part of that. See to the cleansing of the bowls and cooking pot, for I would have you visit the bathing halyar this fey. Tarla shall soon arrive to show you there.”
I could not have moved from his hand of my own accord, yet when he withdrew it, I rose unsteadily to my feet and returned the bowls to the hearth. His continued satisfaction was a constant grating upon the sharp edges of my shattered former self, yet I longed for his touch even as I bitterly berated myself for such weakness. Cook this and clean that said the male to a Midanna warrior, and the witless warrior poured forth the juices of her slave-need even as she bent to his commands. There was little wonder that Mida had abandoned me, little question now as to the nature of my sins. Mida had not made my body slave to the male, but had condemned me for the stupidity of my needs, giving me over into his hands so that I might know the suffering I had brought upon myself. How such a thing had come to be I knew not, no more than how such a thing might be ended.
Tarla appeared not long after the pots had been seen to, a gentle knock announcing her presence beyond the door. Ceralt looked up from the sharpening stone he had been using upon his dagger and bid her enter, and I turned from the window through which I had been gazing. The chill of the land was no longer able to touch me, for I had covered myself with a shame which was unending. I had been taken by a male, and had not proved strong enough to withstand him.
“May Jalav now accompany me?” asked Tarla of Ceralt, a shy smile upon the prettiness of her face. She had taken no more than two steps within the dwelling, seemingly fearful to enter farther, for she had not removed her leg coverings. Ceralt looked to the edge of his dagger with a thumb, then nodded to Tarla.
“Show her the whereabouts of the bathing halyar,” said he, “and see that she makes full use of its facilities. I wish to see her hair shining again, but do not allow it to be bound.”
Tarla acknowledged Ceralt’s instructions, then waited as I replaced the needed furs. Ceralt had interest only in his dagger, and looked not once upon me as I left his dwelling. Tarla closed the door behind us, then hurried to match my stride as I walked from my new abode.
“Jalav, I am indescribably thrilled,” said she, a breathlessness to her voice. “I heard how Ceralt fought for you, then carried you away with him! How pleased I am that happiness has come to you at last!”
She sighed again as she redirected my steps to the right, and nearly did I speak to her of how I felt, yet she was so much a child and so covered with gladness, that the words hung back and could not be spoken. There were few to whom a war leader might speak, Rilas, Keeper to the sister clans of Midanna having been the sole exception I had found, yet even Rilas would spit and turn away were she to hear what I had done. Forever alone I was destined to be, and that loneliness had begun even before my final breath.
We walked to the far end of the village, away from where my dwelling had stood, till we came to a dwelling which seemed odd to the eye. Upon short legs of wood the dwelling stood, something of a pit to be seen below, and steps had been placed before it, so that the door might be reached more easily. As we climbed the steps together, I saw the crackling of a great fire beneath the dwelling, yet Tarla seemed undisturbed by it. She went directly to the door and then within, and as I entered behind her, I saw the reason for the haste with which she began removing her coverings. The tiny windowless room we stood in, no more than three paces by four, held a greater heat than Midanna lands at the height of Mida’s blessing. The walls held flames within boxes, many covering and furs lay about, and as soon as I had closed the door upon the cold without, I, too, began removing my coverings.