Aye, I thought as I forced myself from the furs and to my feet, there is much yet which might be done to show Jalav her helplessness. It is unfitting to males that a warrior be left to ride free and live as she would. Take her and chain her, beat her and use her, bind her and shame her, and then speak proudly of how she has been saved from the cruelty of her former life. I kept my eyes from Ceralt’s as I gathered the wooden squares and carried them to the fire, yet I knew that he looked upon me as I moved, perhaps again assessing my form. I felt that the spear tracks truly disturbed him, and wished that there had been thrice the number of Silla to form the lines. The Silla were falth, and knew naught of the proper manner of doing things.
Once the wooden squares had been cleaned and returned to their place, I turned from the fire to find that Ceralt had removed his garments and placed a number of lenga pelts together, one lying at an angle atop the others as though to be used as a cover. Ceralt took a final swallow from the skin of near-renth, closed it again against spillage, then glanced toward me as he hung the skin upon a wall.
“Pull the door string within so that we may sleep undisturbed,” he directed, and then gestured toward the pelts. “The arrangement of my sleeping place is part of your duties, and in future you are to see to it. I wish it done just as you see it, and you may also remove it come the new light. Perhaps, once the danger is past, my people may be introduced to the concept of beds. In my time in the cities, I grew to enjoy their use and presence.”
He went toward the lenga furs then, and I went toward the door to draw the leather string from its hole. My mind had at last ceased searching bitterly for Mida’s reasons for what had been done to me, for there was no way I might find those reasons. What was done was done, and likely would not again be undone. I returned from the door, my eyes searching for a lenga pelt upon which I might pass the darkness, and Ceralt rose up on one elbow from his furs to consider me.
“For what do you seek?” he asked, his eyes somewhat puzzled. “There is naught left to be done before you may join me here.”
I ceased my search with a good deal of disappointment, and slowly went to join him in his furs. Truly. I should have known better than to think I would be allowed surcease from the near presence of him, yet he had spoken of his furs and his sleeping place. I had not yet truly learned that ail possessions of males are spoken of so, and that I, too, was a possession. It was his things which I would use, and only by his will. One possession had no say concerning the others.
Ceralt drew me down to the furs beside him, covering me as he had already covered himself, and I felt the warmth of his flesh against the chill which mine had been given as I had moved about away from the fire. His arms encircled me as he held me to him, and my body flowed against the hardness of his. A warrior’s body was not so muscular and hard, and fleetingly I thought that I would not care to have such a body. Mine had always pleased me more, and had it not been the cause of my downfall, I would have preferred it above all others.
“You served my brother well, little varaina,” Ceralt murmured, his hands moving in my hair as a male does when he wishes pleasure from it. “You had no desire to serve him, yet he taught you that you must serve despite your desires. Do you wish to insist that you will not again serve him so, should he seek it?”
I spoke no words for I knew the futility of them, and Ceralt chuckled. “Perhaps you at last begin to know your place among men,” he said, sounding well pleased. “You are no more than a wench beneath them, no more than an object of desire. Jalav the warrior is no more, and only Jalav the woman remains.”
He then held me closer and brought his lips to mine, and my body was his without thought. Much did he use me that darkness, nearly as much as the previous darkness, and the fire was long dead when at last his breathing grew even in sleep. Cloaked in darkness, covered with the smell of the use of males, I lay in his arms against his chest, hearing his words ring over and over in my mind. Jalav the warrior is no more. Jalav the warrior is no more. My need had been seen to by the male who possessed me, yet a deep ache remained to throb and stab and tear at the insides of me. How I wished that the words of the male were true and Jalav the warrior indeed was no more. I wished it so fervently that tears ran down my cheeks in streams, yet I felt no shame at such weakness. In the loneliness and darkness my life had become, there were none to see another small shame, none to care that no dignity remained to be damaged. All that I had known was no more, yet I, myself, would remain. My tears ran heavily to the chest of the male who held me, and sobs shook my body beyond controlling, yet he whom I once had known slept on, at peace with himself and the glory of his doings.
10
A slave to males—and another escape lost
When Ceralt awoke with the new light, a warm fire blazed in the hearth, and falum bubbled in the pot upon the metal rod above it. Little sleep had come to me through the darkness, so with the first faint touches of red to the skies, I had arisen and seen to the fire. Once the falum had been set to cook, I had crouched beside the fire and sought to warm myself, yet the chill refused to be chased from my bones. It clung steadily with icy fingertips, and even wrapping my arms about myself had not helped. I shivered in the faint glow cast by the fire in the corner of the hearth, letting my mind follow the grain of the wood floor I crouched upon. Though I wore not even so much as my clan covering, it seemed that a great weight fell all about me, holding me in place and making breathing difficult. I knew not what ailed me and cared not, and the grain of the floor whirled my gaze about and held it.
I heard Ceralt stir in his furs and yawn, yet there was no need to look toward him. He would see me easily where I crouched, and should there be a thing he wished, he had only to speak of it. The slave he had taken would obey his wishes, completely and without refusal. There was little else his slave might do.
“Have you built a fire already, varaina?” his voice asked, heavy with sleep. “And can that be falum I smell, ready to warm my insides and chase the drowsiness from my eyes?
Indeed you are quickly becoming a woman among women, giving me pleasure in my circle choice. Bring your lips to me now, so that I may taste their sweetness before I partake of the falum. ”
Ceralt had spoken, and his slave had no recourse save to obey. Slowly and with effort I rose from my crouch, dropping my hands from my arms, and returned to where he lay in the furs. Upon his back, he looked up toward me and raised his arms, a smile touching him as he awaited obedience. I knelt upon the edge of the furs and he drew me to him, raising my face with one hand so that my lips might be his. As strongly as ever, my lips were taken, and his body, warmed in the furs, felt as though a fire burned beneath his skin. I shivered again from the great contrast between his flesh and mine, and he drew his lips away to frown at me.
“You feel as though you were made of ice,” he said, his arms bringing me farther within the covering pelt. “Why did you not don your garment when you arose? Do you seek to fall ill from the cold you have not as yet become used to? Must everything be told you before you will behave properly?”
Again he seemed angered with me, yet I felt no urge to defend my actions. I had been ordered from the covering, and had not been given leave to replace it. A warrior might have overlooked such a thing; a slave did not. I lay quietly in his arms, not meeting his gaze, and his hold about me tightened.
“Ah, Jalav,” he sighed, putting his hand to my face so that he might stroke it. “It is indeed fortunate that you have fallen to me, for you have not the sense to see for yourself. After we have warmed the ice from you, you will dress before serving the falum. I will not have you so chilled again.”