“That was how I got the idea that my ass was something special. I waited a day or two; then one evening, while I was lying in bed fingering my clit, I decided to see if maybe I could get the same feeling by putting something in instead of letting something out. I mean, I figured if it works one way maybe it’ll work the same way in reverse, right? So I started trying to get a finger up ‘my ass.
It was too dry, of course, so I moistened the finger by running it through the lips of my pussy. That got it slick enough and it slipped right in.
“Wow-ee! I knew right off that I’d stumbled into a gold mine and I just finger fucked myself into a tizzy! I forgot all about my clit. All I could think of was working that finger back and forth in my asshole. Every wiggle of my finger made it better until finally I just about passed out. It was so good! What made it even better, I think, was remembering how Mom used to go on so about how she hated changing Billy’s diapers when he was a baby. Billy-he’s my younger brother-really gave her a lot of trouble on the toilet training bit and it ran her ragged. I don’t know why she popped into my mind when I was doing that, but I kept wondering just what she’d say if she were to walk into my room and see me there with a finger jammed way up my asshole. I’ll bet that would really have blown her mind but good! “I kept it up for a long time. It seemed that I could make ‘the feeling last however long I wanted and, since it was so blasted good, I really gave myself a reaming. The old way- clit rubbing, what I’d been used to doing- wasn’t even in it, compared to this. I must have fucked myself for nearly an hour that night.
And for almost all of that time I was coming. I simply couldn’t get enough of that wonderful feeling. Finally, when I’d nearly worn myself out, I keeled over and went to sleep.
“I didn’t forget that experience, though. From then on, every time I’ve gone to the john I’ve remembered how good it was. Lots of times I can get a little come whenever a turd comes out, especially if it’s a big one, the kind that really stretches me. It hurts a little, but the hurt isn’t anything compared to the pleasure of feeling my asshole being stretched out. I guess’ if I’d let Jerry shove his’ big cock up me, I’d just have died on the spot! “All the time I was in high school and business school, I kept my little ‘secret to myself. None of the girls I knew ever mentioned their asses, certainly not in the way I liked to use mine. And, as far as I knew, I was really something special. It wasn’t until I’d been in business school here for a few months that I even knew you could fuck in the ass. Some girl told me about gay men and how they put it to each other that way. Even then, I never really thought about flicking like that. I guess I just thought it was something gay guys only did to each other.
“Meanwhile, I just kept on doing it to myself with my finger. It got better and better, the more I thought about it and practiced. And, after a while, I didn’t much care whether a guy tried to screw me or not. I mean, I hadn’t ever had it that good with a guy, so why bother? I went out on dates a lot but a lot of the time it was just so I’d have somebody to go places with. It sure wasn’t for sex! ‘Whenever I’d start getting that hungry feeling-the sort that tells you that you’re really up for a nice, long come-I’d just arrange to be at my apartment by myself for — a while and I’d have myself the nicest, juiciest come a girl could ever hope to get! I’d just ‘lay there on my bed and do it till I couldn’t move any more, always just running my finger in and out of my ass.
“The only thing was I began to notice after a while that my ass was getting looser. You know, the finger wasn’t stretching me quite as much and I wasn’t feeling it as sharply. First I tried using two fingers and that worked ‘for a while and then, after that, I began messing around with candles and vibrators and stuff like that. At the time I had that fuck scene with Jerry, I’d just started doing it with two fingers and of course he was a lot bigger than that.
And besides, I still hadn’t gotten around to knowing that it was possible.for a man and a woman to fuck that way. So I kept on using my fingers and the other things I’d found to make it for myself.
“One thing I got out of that date with Jerry, though, was a nice memory. You know, I always liked imagining a guy standing in front ‘of me with his dick and balls hanging out. I mean, while I was doing it to myself. I’d imagine the guy standing there in front of me, just waving his cock at ‘me, and the idea would make me start tingling all over. But after that date with Jerry, when he made me jack him off and spray his come all over my tummy and boobs, I started seeing it different. The guy would be standing in front of me,” but ‘this time he’d be, jacking himself off, see, and I’d be fingering my ass, or working the vibrator in and out. And then, just about the time I’d be ready to get my own come, I’d see him straighten up and that cock would start just pumping the cream out, shooting all over my body! It was just wonderful, imagining that.
And it would make the climax ever so much better for me every time.”
Geraldine B- was a twenty-four year old secretary for a local hospital when she recorded the case history we are presenting here. A tall, radiant redhead with a good figure, she spoke freely of her sexual history and of relevant portions of her life. Although her education had been fairly limited, she had applied herself diligently at the business school which she had attended, and had earned herself a reputation as a diligent, conscientious worker.
A widely known writer on sexual problems once noted that anal intercourse “holds an attraction for some men because the rectum is associated with that which is ‘unclean’-thus, the greater the taboo, the greater the eroticism. Some women enjoy being subjected to sodomistic practices because of their strong masochistic component.” (Caprio, Variations in Sexual Behavior, p. 268.) There is no reason to ‘suppose that men are unique in associating the anus with the “unclean.” Indeed, Geraldine’s case history clearly indicates that she makes just that association. Her account also shows a strongly masochistic element in her emotional makeup. That is, she exemplifies “a sexual deviation characterized by an erotic desire to suffer pain or humiliation.” (Ibid., p. 271.)
A variety of questions immediately came to mind when we begin considering the information available in Geraldine’s case history. First we might ask, how did she come to associate the anus with “uncleanness?” The answer, of course, is that she was taught to do so. Her’ mother’s impatience at having to change diapers for her little brother (an impatience which she probably registered when Geraldine was an infant too) must have provided a powerful impetus for Geraldine’s conclusion that the anus and defecation were undesirable and “unclean.” This is not an unusual attitude in our country, where our drive for cleanliness-especially in, the bathroom and — its related functions-is so marked.
We must also consider how she came to need physical debasement and humiliation.
There can be little doubt that she responded ardently to cruel treatment. Her reaction to being ejaculated upon by Jerry, the motorcycle rider who subjected her to quasi-rape, shows this only too well. Her subsequent utilization of the same image, of a man ejaculating upon her naked body, reinforces the point that shows how effectively the notion stimulated her. There is a good possibility that she identified a man’s ejaculation with urination. In that case the point could be made all the stronger.
Psychologists often note that the arrival of a new baby breeds trouble for any older children in the family. Geraldine never stated that she felt rejected because of her new brother but she would be exceptional indeed if the birth had not left its mark upon her psyche. Her mother’s excessive concern with toilet training and anal functions would also have contributed to the girl’s anxieties and helped push her to the belief that she was somehow inadequate or unworthy.