The Reminiscing Stage aka Everything Changes
“What the hell is going on with the weather?” Logan asked, quickly casting his eyes skyward before fixing them back on the road.
When we’d left home, the sun was shining. As we neared our destination, the clouds had grown darker, and the summer warmth had been replaced by a cool chill that made me reach into my bag for a jumper.
See, it really never hurts to be prepared.
“I’m hoping it’s just a glitch,” I said. “Maybe we’ll drive right through it.”
“We don’t have too much further to go now. About half an hour.”
I raised my eyebrows. My being prepared didn’t actually extend to an umbrella. Yes, we lived in the UK, and even in July the weather could be unpredictable, but I’d had high hopes, and visions of tanning while enjoying the music and knocking back… beers. Because that’s what people drink at festivals.
“Do you remember when we were younger and they had a music thing in town with local bands? They did it for a couple of summers when we were still at school, before they got cancelled because people got drunk and smashed up the shop windows.”
Logan nodded. “Yeah. I used to hang around down there with my mates. I remember you used to do the same thing.”
I flicked my head towards him. “You remember that?”
Jesus, I hope he doesn’t remember the fact that I used to blush every time he looked at me. Pretty hard to hide; I must have looked like a faulty human traffic light. Red when he saw me gazing at him, amber as I began to pale, and green as my stomach churned with nerves at him noticing my existence.
He smiled. “I remember. You used to be there with Lydia and… Kelly?”
“Kerry. Yes. We were usually there looking around for the guys in the fifth year, and we dressed in clothes we thought were cool, but actually, were ridiculous.”
I mean, really. Short skirts and t-shirts with slogans across our not-quite-fully-developed boobs, teamed with trainers, and our hair in high ponytails held back with scrunchies. It was no big shocker we didn’t get to hang out with the popular kids. We looked like eighties rejects, but without the neon.
“I’m surprised you remember me being there,” I said.
“I remember a lot of things.” Logan gave me a sideways smile, intriguing me.
“Such as?”
“Such as you and your friends drinking sneaky cans of shandy and trying to mount the stage.”
My cheeks heated and I closed my eyes, trying to pretend he hadn’t just said that. There was really no denying it. We weren’t drunk on the shandy, we were young and occasionally a little over-confident. One particular year at our town’s lame attempt at a live music event, Lydia had dared Kerry and me to touch the sexy lead singer of one of the bands while he was performing. Not a task that can be completed with subtlety considering the sheer number of people who showed up for the gig. We barely got a toe on the stage before the police guarding the area dragged us down and told us to go home.
“God. Of all the things you could have witnessed…”
“Even if I hadn’t, I’d have heard about it. You were legends at school!”
“I don’t know about that.” I laughed. “There were rumours going around that we were arrested!”
“But everyone thought it was cool.”
“That’s probably the most daring thing I’ve done in my life.”
“Aside from getting in a car with me.”
Logan’s smile sent butterflies flapping around my stomach, as again, the reality of what I was doing hit me. If only he knew I’d have clung to the freaking roof rack if it meant spending time with him.
“Well, a girl’s gotta take a risk now and again.” I gave him a cheeky wink, and he laughed again.
“You haven’t changed much, you know?”
“Hmm, I don’t know if that’s true. I have no plans to crash the stage today.”
“But you still have that mischievous thing going on. That twinkle in your eyes might blind me if I look right at it.”
My heart sang in my chest, joining the rhythmic flapping of the butterflies and creating a beautiful melody.
That could be the sound of your doom if you don’t get a grip on yourself.
Ah, that bloody cautious voice again. But Logan was right. I’d noticed this weird glint shining from my baby blues, like something inside me had ignited in anticipation of this trip, and it radiated from me, even when I was just doing my make-up in the mirror every morning, or when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a shop window.
So much for not getting my hopes up, huh? But it was subconscious. And while I liked the sparkle, I’d tried to rein in everything it represented – the hope that maybe this would lead to something more.
“Well,” I said, calling on my inner mischievousness, “it would be a shame if my twinkle damaged your eyesight so you couldn’t see how good I look today.” I gestured to my face, giving him a look of mock seriousness. “I don’t wake up looking this good, you know?”
I gave his leg a playful poke, the first time I’d touched him all day, then pulled my hand back quickly, worried I’d crossed a line and hoping that feeling didn’t show on my face.
“Nobody wakes up looking good.” Logan didn’t flinch, and I settled back in my seat, relieved. “Well, except maybe… me.”
I chuckled, remembering how unkempt he was when he rocked up at my house. But he did look good. “And that is what hasn’t changed about you.”
His brows pulled together for a second, although his lips were still slightly tilted upwards at the corners. “What, my ability to look like a stud first thing in the morning?”
“No!” I shook my head. “Your arrogance.”
Logan placed one hand on his chest in a gesture of fake horror. “You hurt me, Marnie. That’s harsh.” His own eyes twinkled, and I had to try to conceal the sharp intake of breath my body wanted me to take at the sight of it, causing me to cough as my lungs freaked out in the confusion. I managed to turn my choke into a laugh so as not to splutter all over him.
“I’m sorry. Maybe you weren’t arrogant, but definitely not lacking confidence.”
“This from the girl who molests bands while they’re on stage!”
“That was stupidity!” I claimed. “Definitely not arrogance.”
His eyes shifted towards me again. “I’m not sure I was as confident as you think.”
“What’s not to be confident about? You’re… Logan Ryan.”
Quick thinking, replacing “You’re hot as hell” with his name. I was getting too relaxed; relaxed enough to blurt things out I couldn’t take back. Things that could make the rest of the day awkward, and ruin the banter we’d so easily slipped into. But he made everything so easy. It should have already been awkward with me fighting so hard to keep my feelings under control. Instead, being with Logan felt like the most natural thing in the world, like we should have been doing this the whole time we’d known each other instead of occasionally seeing each other when adult life wasn’t in the way. Nothing I’d done in the last few years had felt as simple as sitting beside him talking and laughing.
But those were the kind of thoughts that had led me to almost slip up.
My brain swirled with these contradicting thoughts. Always. Because dammit, I’d waited long enough, hadn’t I? Why not just throw the idea of spending more time with him out there and see where it led?
Because then… he’d know. And if he knew, he might run away screaming. Wasn’t it better to say nothing and have him in my life than confess and risk never seeing him again?
Sometimes it was better that way. Sometimes, however, keeping my mouth shut made my insides knot and caused me to lie awake, too restless to sleep.