“Well, since you wormed the secret out of me,” Max said, “maybe I will let you tempt me with some of that asparagus.”
“Be my guests,” Lucky Bucky said expansively. “Park the bodies. Dig in.”
Max and 99 scrambled for chairs, then, seated, filled their plates and began eating ravenously.
“This is delicious!” Max said. “It certainly is broadminded of you to feed us like this when you consider that we’re here to take your act away from you.”
“It’s traditional in my family,” Lucky Bucky replied. “We always see that the condemned man gets to eat good. What kind of people would we be if we sent an enemy to his death on an empty stomach?”
Max stopped eating. “Are you hinting at something?”
“I’ll tell you later,” Lucky Bucky said. “I don’t want to spoil your dinner.” He passed the platter of roast beef to Max. “Have another helping. Enjoy. I’ll tell you the truth, I’m glad you finally got here. I needed somebody intelligent to talk to. Guru Baby is a great talent, but, like all talent-he should be seen and not heard. I’ll give you an example.” He turned to Guru Optimo. “Well, Guru Baby, what do you think of the international situation these days?” he said.
Guru Optimo grinned foolishly. “What happened in that hotel in Boston, Willy?” he answered.
“See?” Lucky Bucky sighed. “That’s all the American language he knows-some lines he picked up from some movies. He understands it, but he don’t talk it.”
“That’s very interesting,” Max said. “Do you mind if I try it?”
Lucky Bucky shrugged. “Why not?”
Max spoke to Guru Optimo. “How do you like living in a castle?” he said. “I suppose it’s quite different from what you’re used to.”
Guru Optimo beamed. “We got to get these critters to Abilene ’fore they freeze to death in this blizzard,” he replied.
“Well, ask a silly question, get a silly answer,” Max said.
“I’ve been listening to silly answers like that for weeks,” Lucky Bucky said.
“I think I can help you,” Max offered. “Turn Guru Optimo over to me, and I promise I’ll take him somewhere where you won’t ever have to listen to him again.”
Lucky Bucky laughed. “I should be such a dumb-head? I’ve got the greatest act in the history of show business.” He winked at Guru Optimo. “Right, Guru Baby?”
Guru Optimo smiled. “Good dog, Lassie!” he replied.
“I’ll tell you the truth,” Lucky Bucky continued, “For the past couple of years, I should’ve been called by my real name, which is Unlucky Bucky Buckley. What-”
“Your real name is Unlucky Bucky Buckley?” Max said.
“It’s what I was born,” Lucky Bucky replied. “But when I was seven years old I won a bunny rabbit in a raffle. After that, everybody called me Lucky. Everybody, that is, except my old man. He couldn’t get used to the idea. So he kept calling me the same thing he’d always called me.”
“Unlucky?”
“Sidney.”
“Oh.”
“Like I was saying though, from now on, it’s nothing but roses. With Guru Baby as my act, I’m gonna make a comeback like nobody has never seen before. What an act!”
“It will be a little unusual,” Max agreed.
“Unusual? It’ll be smash! Who ever seen a tap dancer in a loin cloth and a towel before?”
“That’s his act?” 99 said. “A tap dancer?”
“Yeah. I’m teachin’ him. ’Course, that’s not the whole act. He’s got a little bit that he does at the end, when they call him back for an encore.”
“What’s that?” Max asked.
“He hypnotizes the audience and turns everybody into slaves.” He glowed. “Is that a smash finish or is that a smash finish?”
“Well. . it’s, uh. . novel,” Max conceded. “But suppose he doesn’t get called back for an encore?”
“Then he goes out and turns them into slaves anyway,” Lucky Bucky replied. “He’s a trouper.”
“I see. . the show must go on,” Max nodded. “I have one other question: What’s the point of turning everybody in the audience into slaves?”
“Well, I figure that with good weather and some luck with the train schedules we can play every theater in the world in about fifteen years. By then, we’ll be ready to retire. And what’ll we have to fall back on? We’ll have the whole world under our control.”
“Plus Social Security,” Max pointed out.
“Right. Nobody can’t say that Lucky Bucky Buckley don’t look out for his talent.” He turned to Guru Optimo again. “Right, Guru Baby?”
Guru Optimo beamed. “But, Mother, I don’t care if Thomas is a crazy inventor who plays around with little wires that light up, I love him,” he replied.
“Lucky Bucky Buckley, you’re mad!” 99 said fiercely.
“Why should I be mad?” he replied, surprised. “With a future like mine? I’m not mad at anybody. I’m not even mad at you. To prove it, I’ll have Guru Baby do his act for you.”
“No, thank you,” Max said. “I really don’t care much for tap dancing.”
“Then I’ll have him do his encore,” Lucky Bucky said. “It’s the best part, anyway. I’ll tell you the truth, the tap dancing is just to get the audience’s attention. To do his hypnotizing, he’s got to be looking you straight in the eye.”
“Frankly, I care less for being hypnotized than I do for tap dancing,” Max said.
“Not you-a guard.”
He faced Guru Optimo once more. “How about puttin’ a spell on one of the guards, Baby?” he said.
“Good dog, Rin Tin Tin,” Guru Optimo replied, grinning.
Lucky Bucky summoned one of the guards to the table. Then, addressing Max, he said, “What would you like him to be? Anything-you just name it.”
“A captain?”
“He don’t have the seniority. Anyway, that’s too easy.”
“A potato peeler?”
“Still too easy.”
“Then you decide,” Max said.
Lucky Bucky spoke to Guru Optimo. “Make him think he’s the 8:57 commuter train that runs between Milwaukee and Chicago,” he commanded.
Guru Optimo raised a hand. There was a sudden flash of light.
The guard raised his arms, then began skimming around the hall, roaring like a jet engine.
“That’s a commuter train?” Max said.
Lucky Bucky scowled. He called to the guard.
The guard settled in for a landing.
“What do you think you are?” Lucky Bucky said to him.
“Think?” the guard replied indignantly. “I know what I am. I’m the noon jet to London.”
Lucky Bucky sighed. “You goofed it again, kid,” he said to Guru Optimo. “Give it another try-okay?”
Once more, Guru Optimo raised his hand. Again there was a flash of light.
The guard raced to the doorway and looked out. Then he ran to a chair and peeked under it.
“Hooooldit!” Lucky Bucky bellowed. “Come back here!” he called to the guard.
The guard returned to the table.
“What are you this time?” Lucky Bucky asked.
“Not what-who,” the guard replied. “I’m Little Bo Peep.”
“I think he was looking for his sheep,” Max said.
Lucky Bucky spoke to Guru Optimo. “Make him a guard again,” he said. “I’ll tell you the truth, Guru Baby, you’re lousy on commuter trains.”
Guru’s hand went up. There was a flash of light, then the guard, a guard again, stepped back from the table.
“Now, I guess you know why I brung him to the castle,” Lucky Bucky said to Max and 99. “The act’s got a couple bugs in it.”
“Oh? I didn’t notice,” Max said. “What seems to be the trouble?”
“It don’t always work out the way it’s supposed to.”
“Well, I don’t see why that should bother you,” Max said. “As long as he can turn somebody into something else, what difference does it make what it is?”
“Yes, a jet is just as good as a commuter train,” 99 said.
“But suppose he tried to turn an audience into slaves and the people turned out to be revolutionists?” Lucky Bucky replied. “There I’d be, in control of the world, and a bunch of trouble-makin’ revolutionists tryin’ to get it away from me! Bother, bother, bother. I wouldn’t be able to sleep nights.”