“I’m glad now we didn’t,” she said.
“Are you? That’s what I wanted you to say.”
“Did you? I’m glad I said it then.”
He put his arm around her and tried to kiss her.
“No,” she said.
“All right,” he said.
“Don’t spoil it,” she added.
“It wouldn’t spoil it. Not now. At least I don’t think so. I waited till you were dressed.”
“Yes, and I’m glad you did. I like you for that, Joe. But even now. You know.”
“No, frankly. I don’t know what you mean.”
“Yes, you do. You—oh, hell.”
“Oh, you mean because I saw you without any clothes on.”
“Mm-hmm,” she said, although up to then she had been thinking that technically he had not seen her without any clothes on. Now she wished she had been completely nude. It was something you had to get over, and with Joe it had been a grand chance.
“All right,” he said, and took his arm away.
They talked about her trip abroad. It was her first. He said he wished he were going with her, or could go in time to take her around Paris and so on, but he couldn’t make it; he had to be a good boy at the National City, because it was time he was getting somewhere and making some money. A crooked lawyer and his mother’s stupidity had reduced his father’s estate. So he was working for the National City, with an office in Reading and a salary that just proved to him how worthless he was. She couldn’t muster much pity for him; she had seen the Montgomery home, Mrs. Montgomery’s Rolls.
“Well, this is all very nice,” she said, “but I think maybe we’d better start back to town. How far is it?”
“Oh, plenty of time. It isn’t far. I don’t really know how far it is exactly. Let’s not go back right away. You’re going away so soon, and for such a long time.”
“But I have so many things to do,” she said. “You’ve no idea.”
“Oh, yes, I have. Turkish towels, six. Heavy woolen underwear, six. Handkerchiefs, twelve. Two sweaters. The school will supply sheets and bed linen, but we recommend, and so on. All marked with indelible ink or Cash’s woven labels.”
“But I have. I have to—”
“Parents are specially urged to exercise restraint in providing boys with pocket money. A dollar and a half a week will be sufficient for most needs.”
“Oh, Joe.”
“The use of motorcycles is absolutely prohibited.”
“What about cigarettes?”
“Members of the Upper Middler and higher forms are permitted to use tobacco on written permission of one or both parents.”
“I could tell you some you don’t know,” she said.
“Such as?”
“Oh—girls’ schools.”
“Oh, that’s easy. In cases where a girl is likely to be absent from class and other activities at frequent intervals during the school year, a letter from the family physician, addressed to the school nurse—”
“That’s enough,” she said. She was embarrassed and angry with herself. Here she was, talking about the most intimate part of a woman’s life, with a man whom she did—not—really—know. It was the second time tonight that she had done a “first” thing with him: he was the first to see her with nothing on (she had well-founded misgivings about the protection the step-ins had given her), and he was the first to talk to her about That. She hated all the euphemisms for it, and when she thought of it she thought of it in the Bryn Mawr term: “Off the sports list.”
His arm was around her again and his head was close to hers. He thought she was angry with him, and for the moment she did not care; but then she rested her face on his shoulder, and she put up her mouth for the kiss and then she let herself coast with him. He took down her dress and kissed her breasts and she patted and rubbed his head. She waited without tension for what he would do next. She thought she knew what that would be, and she did not prepare to fight against it. But she was wrong. He suddenly slipped her shoulder straps up her arms and back where they belonged. Her breath was coming as though she had stopped running a few minutes ago, slowly and deeply.
“You a virgin?” he said.
“Yes,” she said.
“Are you sure? Please tell me the truth.”
“Mm-hmm. I am.”
“Do you love me?” he said.
“Yes, I think I do, Joe.”
“How old are you?” he said.
“Twenty-five. Twenty-six soon. No. I am twenty-six.”
“Oh. Then you want to be a virgin when you get married. That’s why you are now.”
“I guess so,” she said. “I don’t know.” She ran her teeth over her lower lip. “It’s never been like this before.” She put her arm around his neck. He kissed her.
“Will you be engaged to me?” he said. “Is there anyone else?”
“No, there’s no one else important right now.”
“Well?”
“Yes,” she said. “You don’t want to announce it now, or anything like that, do you?”
“No. I suppose we’d better be sensible and let you have your trip and two months away from me and see if you still love me.”
“Do you love me?” she said. “You haven’t actually said so.”
“I love you,” he said. “And you’re the first girl I’ve told that to in—nineteen twenty-five—eight years. Do you believe me?”
“It’s possible,” she said. “Eight years. You mean since 1917. The war?”
“Yes.”
“What happened?” she said.
“She was married,” he said.
“Do you still see her?”
“Not for two years. She’s in the Philippines. Her husband’s in the Army and now they have three children. It’s all over.”
“Would you marry me if I weren’t a virgin?”
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. That wasn’t the reason I asked you if you were. I wanted to know because—do you want me to tell you the truth?”
“Of course.”
“Well, I was going to ask you to spend the night with me if you weren’t.”
“In which case you probably wouldn’t have asked me to marry you.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. But I do want you to marry me. You will, won’t you? Don’t get a yen for some Frenchman.”
“I won’t. I almost wish I weren’t going, but I guess it’s a good thing I am.” Her voice was low and dramatic.
“What makes you say it like that?”
“The obvious reason. I have a theory, Joe. I’ve always told myself that when I loved a man enough to want to marry him, I’d have an affair with him before we announced the engagement, and then have a short engagement and get married practically right away.”
“Oh. That means you haven’t really been in love all your life.”
“No. It doesn’t mean that. Not quite. But I haven’t been in love since I made that decision. Since I’ve found out more about sex. God! Is that clock right?”
“A few minutes fast.”
“How many minutes fast?”
“Oh. I don’t know.”
“No, honestly. Even if it’s a half hour fast look what time that means. We’ve got to go back. I hate to, but please, darling?”
“All right,” he said.
Half way back to town she remembered something that made her want to let out a cry, to melt away, to die. The worst of it was she would have to tell him now.
“Joe, darling,” she said.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I just remembered something, the worst thing I can think of. Oh, damn it all. I wish people…”
“What is it?”
“I’m not going to be able to see you tomorrow night.”
“Why not? Can’t you break it?”
“No. I should have told you before, but I didn’t know we were—I was going to. All this tonight, about us. Some people are coming over from Gibbsville to see me off.”