“If you drank the brandy sold in this district, you must have a constitution of iron to be still alive,” remarked Mr. Beaumaris. “What’s the sum total of your debts? Or don’t you know?”
“Yes, but—You are not going to pay my debts, sir!” A dreadful thought occurred to him; he stared very hard at his visitor, and demanded: “Who told you where I was?”
“Your amiable but cork-brained friend, of course.”
“Scunthorpe?” Bertram said incredulously. “It was not—it was not someone else?”
“No, it was not someone else. I have not so far discussed the matter with your sister, if that is what you mean.”
“How do you know she is my sister?” Bertram said, staring at him harder than ever. “Do you say that Scunthorpe told you that too?”
“No, I guessed it from the start. Have you kept your bills? Let me have them!”
“Nothing would induce me to!” cried Bertram hotly. “I mean, I am very much obliged to you, sir, and it’s curst good of you, but you must see that I couldn’t accept such generosity! Why, we are almost strangers! I cannot conceive why you should think of doing such a thing for me!”
“Ah, but we are not destined to remain strangers!” explained Mr. Beaumaris, “I am going to marry your sister.”
“Going to marry Bella?” Bertram said.
“Certainly. You perceive that that puts the whole matter on quite a different footing. You can hardly expect me either to win money from my wife’s brother at faro, or to bear the odium of having a relative in the Fleet. You really must consider my position a little, my dear boy.”
Bertram’s lip quivered. “I see what it is! She did go to you, and that is why—But if you think, sir, that I have sunk so low I would let Bella sacrifice herself only to save me from disgrace—”
Ulysses, taking instant exception to the raised voice, sprang to Mr. Beaumaris’s side, and barked a challenge at Bertram. Mr. Beaumaris dropped a hand on his head. “Yes, very rude, Ulysses,” he agreed. “But never mind! Bear in mind that it is not everyone who holds me in such high esteem as you do!”
Much confused, Bertram stammered. “I didn’t mean—I beg your pardon! I only meant—She never said a word of this to me!”
“Didn’t she? How secretive females are, to be sure! Perhaps she felt that her parents should be the first persons to learn the news.”
“Well, I suppose she might,” Bertram said doubtfully. “But considering she said she couldn’t marry anyone, because she made ’em all think she was an heiress—”
“She didn’t make me think anything of the sort,” said Mr. Beaumaris.
“Oh, I see!” said Bertram, his brow clearing. “Well, I must say, sir, I’m dashed glad, because I had a notion she liked you more than all the rest! I—I wish you very happy! And, of course, I do see that it makes a difference to my debt to you, only I don’t think I should let you pay the other debts, because it is not in the least your affair, and—”
“Now, don’t let us go into all that again!” begged Mr. Beaumaris. “Just tell me what you propose to do if I don’t pay your debts!”
“I thought of enlisting in a cavalry regiment, if they would take me,” confessed Bertram. “Under an assumed name, of course!”
“I should think that a cavalry regiment would suit you very well,” said Mr. Beaumaris. “But it will be very much more comfortable for you, and for all of us, if you join it under your own name, and as a cornet. What do you want? a Hussar regiment?”
These incredible words made Bertram turn first red, and then while, swallow convulsively, and finally blurt out: “You c-couldn’t mean that! After this! I—Oh, sir, do you mean it?”
“Yes, of course, but give me your bills!”
“I don’t deserve anyone should do anything for me!” Bertram said, overcome.
“The bills!”
Bertram, already floating in some beatific dream, started, and said: “The bills? Oh! Oh, yes, I have them all here—only you will be very much shocked to see how much I have spent, and—”
“Nothing, ever shocks me,” replied Mr. Beaumaris, holding out a hand. He stuffed the sheaf of crumpled papers into the pocket of his driving-coat, and said: “I will settle all these so that none of your creditors will know that it was not you who paid them. Do you owe anything in this neighbourhood beyond your shot here?”
Bertram shook his head. “No, for Bella gave me all the money she had, when she came to see me. I am afraid you would not have liked her doing so, sir, and nor did I, but Felix brought her, like the saphead he is! It—it was a horrid place, and I think I ought to tell you that it was all my fault that she ever went to such a back-slum!”
“You fill me with dismay,” said Mr. Beaumaris. “I do trust she did not set eyes on any destitute person whom she may feel it to be her duty to befriend?”
“Well, I don’t think she did,” Bertram replied. “Felix did say that she told a woman they all call Quartern Sue not to give her baby gin to drink, and gave her a shilling to buy it some milk. And I am excessively sorry, sir, and I would not have had it happen for the world, but Felix says that they walked smash into Leaky Peg, who—who took me to the place when I was so castaway I didn’t know even where I was, or how I came there. She—she was very good to me, in her way, you know, and Bella got it into her head she owed her a debt of gratitude for looking after me! But that’s all right, because I gave Peg five pounds out of the money Bella left for me!”
“Heaven help me!” said Mr. Beaumaris. “She will undoubtedly expect me to house this doxy! Leaky Peg, did you say? Good God!”
“No, no, sir, of course she won’t!” exclaimed Bertram. “Why should she?”
“Because that is her invariable practice,” said Mr. Beaumaris bitterly. “You don’t suppose, do you, that I voluntarily adopted that animal over there?”
“You don’t mean Bella gave him to you? Well, that’s a great deal too bad of her! I must say, I thought it was a queer sort of a dog for you to have, sir!”
“The whole of London thinks it is a queer sort of a dog for me to have. Even the landlord of this tavern tried to chase him from the taproom!” He drew out his pocket-book, and extracted from it several banknotes, and pushed them across the table. “There you are: pay your shot here, redeem whatever lies in pawn, and book yourself the box-seat on the first stage to Harrowgate. I believe the northern-bound coaches leave at some godless hour of the morning, so you had better spend tonight at whatever inn they set out from. A few days in the fresh air will, I trust, repair the ravages of all the brandy you imbibed, and make it possible for you to meet your father without arousing suspicion.”
Bertram tried to speak, failed, tried once more, and managed to say in a very gruff voice: “I c-can’t thank you as I should, and of course I know it is for Bella’s sake! But I can do one thing, and I will! I shall confess the whole to my father, sir, and—and if he says I may not join a Hussar regiment, after behaving so badly, well—well it will serve me right!”
“Yes,” said Mr. Beaumaris, “that is very noble of you, of course, but I have always found it to be an excellent plan, before one indulges in an orgy of expiation, to consider whether the recipient of the sort of confession you have in mind may not be made to suffer a great deal of quite unnecessary pain.”
Bertram was silent for a moment, as this sank into his brain. “You don’t think I should tell my father, sir?”
“I not only don’t think you should: I utterly forbid you to mention the matter to him.”
“I don’t quite like to deceive him,” Bertram said shyly. “You see—”
“I am sure you don’t, so if your mind is set on doing penance, that will serve your turn excellently. You have been staying in Berkshire with Scunthorpe. Just bear that in mind, and forget that you have ever been within ten miles of London!” He rose, and held out his hand. “Now I must go. Don’t harrow yourself with thinking that you have broken all the ten commandments! You have only done what four out of five young fools do, if set loose upon the town. Incidentally, you have acquired a deal of valuable experience, and when next you come to London you will do much better.”