“Nadia, we don’t need a daddy. We have each other, and Papa and Uncle Charles.”
“But I want a daddy. Lucy’s daddy is nice,” she protests, a pout beginning to form on her angelic face.
“Well…it’s more complicated than just going to a store and picking one, baby.” I touch my chest, “Our hearts choose who that person will be. And it takes time.”
“Your heart will pick a daddy for me?” I want to tell her that my heart picked one a long time ago and that my heart still belongs to him, but that’s a story I will tell her when she’s older. Not now.
“I hope so…”
I lie. I don’t want another man. I’m not ready to put myself out there. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when my body hungers for the touch of a man, it’s his I want. When I’m rubbing myself, ready to climax, I picture his maple-brown eyes staring back at me as he makes love to me. And when my physical thirst has been quenched, it’s his warm embrace I need.
How could I allow myself to go on a date and potentially start seeing other men when emotionally I haven’t moved on? It’s not fair for either party involved, and if my past mistakes have taught me something, it’s that no one deserves that kind of treachery.
“Okay, Mommy!” Nadia agrees before returning to her breakfast, oblivious to how much her words have shaken me.
I stand up with trembling legs and go back to the counter, pouring myself a cup of coffee. I’m stirring some half and half in it when Nadia speaks once more.
“Mommy?”
I close my eyes, afraid of what she’s going to say next. “Yes, darling?”
“Are we going to the park after?”
Breathing a sigh of relief because she’s forgotten all about the daddy issue, I take a sip of coffee before answering her. “It’s later, and yes. Would you like me to call Aunt Amy and Uncle Charles to see if they want to meet us there?”
“Yes! Uncle Charles buys me toys!” she says, smiling.
When she’s done eating breakfast, I bathe her and put her clothes on for the day. After making sure she’s busy playing with her toys in her room, I make my way to my bedroom to take a shower. While I wait for the water to heat, I call Amy.
“Hi beautiful.” Amy’s voice sounds groggy with sleep.
“Hi! Do you have a moment? I need to speak to you.”
“Sure, babe.” I can hear Charles protesting on the other side of the line as Amy shushes him to be quiet. “Okay, tell me, love.”
“Um, Nadia informed me today that she wants a daddy.”
“Oh my God. The poor child. What did you tell her?”
“Well, once I was able to get my brain working I told her that it wasn’t that easy.”
“Oh, honey, I’ve been telling you for the past two years that it’s time for you to give someone else a chance. I mean, it’s time for you to move on and start living your life.”
“B-But I am living my life.”
“Cathy, really? Want me to call bullshit on that? You don’t have a life. Your life revolves around work and being a mom to Nadia. You won’t touch the very generous amount of money Ben gave you as part of the divorce, and you won’t let anyone but your Dad or me help you with her. The only time you ask for help is when you know you can’t bring that little munchkin along.”
“That’s not true. I went out with you the other night.”
“Because I had to drag you out of your self imposed prison. Tell me, what does Crystal say about this? Does she agree with the fact that you have no life? I mean, I’m sure she wouldn’t like that. There has to be a healthy balance, babe.”
“Well, I’ll get there. But never mind about that. What am I supposed to do with the daddy issue?”
“Go on a date,” she states. “Meet other men. Give other men a chance. Cathy, I know that Charles’ friend Hayes, the hot stockbroker, asked you out more than once, but you’ve shot him down every single time. He was really taken with you, you know?”
Groaning, I close my eyes. “Don’t even go there. That was the most uncomfortable thing ever. I’m thirty-three years old, and I have a daughter. I don’t have the luxury to date around just for fun.”
“How would you know? You won’t let anyone in; you won’t go on any dates…you are still pining after a man who has already moved on. I mean, Cathy, you saw the engagement announcement in the newspaper.”
I feel like the air has been knocked out of my lungs. “I know,” I whisper as a mixture of pain and jealousy surge over me aggressively like an avalanche.
“Ben has moved on, honey, and Arsen was in Europe the last time I heard. I think it’s time you did the same. Nadia is a precious little thing, and you’re a gorgeous woman. Let someone take care of you, love you. Let yourself love someone else, babe.”
“But I have Nadia,” I argue. Holding onto the past is a losing battle, but I don’t know that I’m ready to move on, yet I must. For Nadia.
And for myself.
“It’s not the same, babe, and you know it.”
“Okay,” I say, defeated.
“Okay what?”
“You’re right. It’s time for me to let go. Y-you can give Hayes a call, but I’m going to be honest with him, Amy, so don’t get your hopes up.”
I hear her groaning into the phone. “What are you going to tell him, you nut?”
“That I still love another man.”
“What? Why would you do such a thing?” she exclaims.
“Well, maybe he’d like to be my friend. I think that’s all I’m ready for anyway.”
Sometimes it gets lonely, sometimes a lot. Sometimes when I see couples walking and holding hands, I remember what I had. Sometimes I wish, and wish, and wish with all my heart to have it all back again, but I know all the wishing in the world won’t bring him back. So I remain quiet, never complain when it gets tough, never cry because I’m alone, and never blame anyone else but me.
Hanging up, I walk to the bathroom. It’s not until I’m standing in front of the sink that I look at myself in the mirror. Reflected in it, there’s a woman with vacant eyes sparkling with unshed tears.
I know that I must move on. Arsen is back to dating heiresses, and Ben is going to be married to Kerry soon. I need to let him go, let go of our memories together, of the past.
I have to move on.
Nadia deserves a family.
I wipe my tears away, hoping that I’m not making the biggest mistake by letting another man in my life because even after four years of thinking about them, it still hurts.
Especially for Ben.
I’m applying the last coat of lip-gloss on my lips when I hear a knock on my door. Instantly feeling a knot in my stomach, I take a deep breath. I can do this. I can. I put the lip-gloss away and move to open the door.
With my hand hovering over the handle, I take a deep breath as I try to calm my nerves. I don’t even know why I’m so nervous. It’s just a date.
When I open the door, I see a man I have met only once before and his handsomeness can still take my breath away. I don’t think men should be allowed to be this handsome. It’s not fair. The black haired man with the silver eyes smiles kindly at me as he takes in my appearance, seemingly pleased with what he sees. When I feel myself blush, I break the uncomfortable silence first.
“Hi, Hayes. Would you like to come in for a drink, or should we go?” I ask.
“Hello, Cathy. May I first say how beautiful you look tonight? My memory does you injustice because I don’t remember you being this breathtaking.” His eyes twinkle as he speaks.
“Um, thank you.” Blushing, I think that maybe this was a great mistake. His comment makes me very uncomfortable. I’m so not ready for this. I’m about to go get my coat, escaping away from him, when Hayes speaks.
“I’m sorry. Too much, too soon?” He smiles ruefully, an apology written all over his face.
“Um, uh…” Sighing, I decide to be totally upfront with him. “Yes. I’m sorry, Hayes. I-I thought I was clear that this was more of a friendly thing. Um, if you’d like to leave, I’ll understand. I’m so sorry.”