“No. I don’t deserve your help,” I say more forcefully than I intended. “I-I have a job. Amy was able to get me a position at a different hotel.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’d like to hel—”
“No. Please, Ben, don’t say anything else. J-just go. I’m so close to falling apart in front of you. I’m trying so hard to stand here and look at you and not want you,” I whimper as I clutch myself tighter. “I’m trying not to throw myself at your feet and beg you to stay. Please, just go. I’m so sorry for h-how much I hurt you but please, I’m begging you…”
“I understand, Cathy. I’m sorry too.”
And he’s gone.
I know our love is broken past salvation and it is my fault, but watching him walk away from me once more still has the power to destroy me. As I stare at his hunched figure making his way slowly to the elevator, I realize that I’m not sure I’ll be able to heal from this.
I don’t think I can.
I don’t go back to bed.
Instead, I sit on the floor on the same spot where Ben sat a couple hours ago, trying to see if I can still feel the warm imprint of his body, but I feel nothing. There isn’t anything left of him in my apartment.
Nothing.
It is empty.
Just like me.
But then I remember Nadia.
Nadia.
My beautiful Nadia.
She is my will to live.
The only one who matters.
So I stand up, make my way to my bedroom, take a shower, and get ready for the day. I bury the pain deep within me once again, and prepare myself to pretend like nothing ever happened.
There is no other choice.
I have to.
I have to be strong. I’m holding hands with Nadia as we walk to her school in the pouring rain. Like every autumn before, the weather has turned chilly while the leaves begin to fall and cover the asphalt in a sea of orange, brown, and bright red. Listening to the city come alive with the sounds of cars driving over wet pavement and puddles being splashed, I watch as my daughter walks protected in her bright pink raincoat and matching boots. She’s twirling her umbrella and humming, “Rain, rain, go away…”
I’m so entranced by the way her blonde curls are bouncing off her shoulders that I don’t notice the man making his way towards us until I hear him saying my name. Startled, my hand goes to my chest as I peek from under my umbrella at a soaked Ben watching us with so much love.
“Ben?” I ask incredulously.
“Hi,” Ben smiles bashfully as I move forward to shelter him from the rain with my umbrella.
“Um, Momma?”
Upon hearing Nadia speak; Ben looks away from me, focusing on Nadia who is openly studying him with those big green eyes of hers.
“Hi there, pretty girl,” he says huskily.
“Hi. You’re the man Papa didn’t like. You made my momma sad,” she states.
Ben grimaces. “I am, and I’m sorry for that, but I’m here to try to make it all better.”
“Reaaaally? Will you buy her a cupcake? My momma says cupcakes always make a bad day better.”
“If she’ll let me, I’ll buy her as many cupcakes as I possibly can,” Ben says, smiling into my daughter’s eyes.
Nadia seems to be content with his answer because she nods and says, “Momma, don’t be sad anymore. He’s gonna buy you cupcakes now, okay?”
I want to laugh and cry, but instead I tear my gaze away from my daughter and stare at Ben, who’s watching me intensely as rain keeps falling around us.
“Cathy, I can’t make promises. I don’t know anything anymore…so much can happen, so much has. But what I do know is that I want you both in my life. Of that, I’m sure.”
“I understand. Just give me one chance. Just one to make this right.”
I watch Ben as hope is reborn within him. Fear and indecision disappear, clearing the path for our future together.
“There was never a choice for us, was there?” he says as a smile grows on his beautiful face, accentuating the thickness of his lips and the sharp edge of his jaw.
I shake my head and smile as happiness bursts inside me, bringing me to life once more.
“No.”
“Come here,” he says, flashing the same cocky smile I fell in love with the first time I saw him.
About to reach for him with Nadia in my hand, I let myself think of that boy with the aqua-blue fire in his eyes one last time. Silently, I thank him because he’s the reason why I’m standing in front of Ben. He saved me from myself, and in a roundabout way he gave me Ben back. Without his help, and whatever it was we had, I don’t think I would be here. I would probably be dead. I love him and always will because his inner fire brought me back to life. Yes, he was the fire that burned my marriage down to ashes, but in those ashes, hope was reborn.
He healed me.
Arsen.
Missing you is a sickness I can’t cure, and it’s fucking killing me.
Fuck.
It happened again.
I’m looking at a lavender ceiling instead of the familiar grey of my bedroom.
The pillow feels too fluffy to be mine, and it smells like fucking fruit.
Why the hell would I want to fuck someone who smells like fruit? It reminds me of my nana.
I feel nauseous, so I close my eyes and try to remember how I got here in the first place.
What the fuck did I do last night?
I open my eyes, and turn my head to look at who I did last night.
Figures...
Lying next to me is a naked blonde haired woman that looks exactly the same as Catherine. I guess if I can’t have the real thing, I might as well screw the next best thing, right?
I’m sick.
Disgusted with myself, I get up, get dressed, and leave the blonde chick’s apartment without saying goodbye. It’s not like I want to see her ever again. I never do. And it works for me.
Once I step outside from the building, I look around and try to figure out where the hell I am. I glance at the street corner and read the green sign that lets me know I’m on Fifth Avenue. Well, isn’t this just fucking peachy? I’m in no fucking mood to ride a cab or the subway all the way to SoHo at this moment.
With a pounding head, I decide to go in search of the closest deli. I need to take something to make my headache go away. As I start walking, I realize that I’ve been here before. The buildings look eerily familiar and the more I stare at them, the more a memory I’ve tried to erase many times before keeps popping in my head. But it’s not until I’m standing across the street from the same fucking coffee shop and see her that the images of those two days come crashing down on me.
I had to let her go.
When she told me that she was pregnant, I freaked out. It was fucking shitty of me, but I didn’t know what to think or how to react. I wasn’t even sure the kid was mine and it scared the hell out of me. How were we supposed to raise a child together when everything was so new? For all I knew, she could still dump my ass and go back to her husband once she got bored with me. The situation was so fucking messed up, but I didn’t care since Catherine was with me and not with that asshole. I just wanted to love her for as long as I had her because that was all that mattered to me. Our time together.
I saw her, I wanted her, so I took her, even if in the process I destroyed a good marriage. I saw the sadness and vulnerability in her eyes the moment I got off the jet, but it wasn’t until much later that the complex of wanting to be her fucking savior was born.
All I wanted to do was fix her, save her.
Just before she told me she was pregnant, I was planning on taking her to Paris for a weekend. And maybe once we got there, go fucking romantic like in the movies and shit, and finally tell her how much I loved her.