“God, Lex, you wouldn’t tell Clark if the positions were reversed.” She didn’t really want to think about that. She had no idea what she would do if the roles were reversed. “And anyway, I would never let Kate have any idea what we were up to.”
Lexi gasped. “Are you implying that I set this up for him to find out?”
“I’m not implying anything. Stop putting words in my mouth. All I’m saying is that there’s no way you would tell Clark. You’d have no reason to tell him.”
Lexi’s mouth just hung open. Was he serious? He could find no reason to tell his girlfriend that he had been cheating on her? She sighed heavily. “I don’t know what I would do, because circumstances aren’t reversed, but I’d at least be smart about it.”
“Fine. Tell me how to be smart about all this. You think telling Kate is a smart decision? Well, you’re wrong. Kate and I have been together for years, and if I told her it would crush her.”
“Maybe you should have thought about that,” Lexi said.
“You think I didn’t think about that? I fucking think about it all the time. But you…I don’t even know. Once I remembered what it was like to be with you, I didn’t want to let it all go again.” Lexi allowed herself a small smile at his admission. “But I wasn’t ready to get rid of Kate either. And I’m still not ready to get rid of her.”
“But you’re ready to get rid of me?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. God, I don’t even know what I’m saying. All I know is that I can’t tell Kate just yet. I couldn’t imagine being the one to crush her. She would never be the same.”
Lexi shook her head in disbelief at everything he was saying. It was like last time except now she knew about what was happening. She had allowed herself to get into this position for the second time with the same guy.
Not that she had been prepared to let go of Clark, but that seemed to be the obvious course of action. This was something that wouldn’t go unpunished. Clark was the kind of guy who could find a million different girls to be with, and he had chosen her. At the flip of a switch, he could have any other girl.
A part of her knew that was coming. It was inevitable that Clark was going to leave her. That inevitability wasn’t in place for Jack. But even so, she couldn’t even count the number of times she had thought about actually being with Jack in a relationship. She had imagined them together for so long, it was strange to see that for the third time they had screwed up beyond repair. Jack wasn’t leaving Kate. Lexi knew it, but she couldn’t come to grips with that reality. She had always assumed that if things broke apart in their relationships, that they would be together. Not that they would be apart. She had never believed they would be apart.
“Jack, be realistic. She’s going to find out one way or another. If you don’t tell her, then Clark will. Then where will you stand?”
“What do you expect me to do, Lexi?” he asked standing forcefully. “Think about it. What would you do in my place? You have this great life with an amazing girlfriend who would do anything for you, and you would throw all that away?”
“If your life was so great, then what the fuck is this? What have we been doing since May?” she screamed gesturing between the two of them.
“I don’t know, Lexi. God, I don’t know. Give me some time to think about all this.”
Lexi’s mouth dropped open. “You need some time to think? I didn’t have any time to think when Clark confronted me.”
“That’s not my fault! Alright!”
“I thought we were in this together,” she said weakly. Her mind was whirling. Clark was right. It’s not like this actually mattered to Jack. He may not have told Clark about what had happened, but it wasn’t like he was going to leave Kate for her either. He had set her up in his mind to be the other woman, and that’s where she resided. That’s where she had always resided. She had never come first with him. Even when his relationship was threatened, he couldn’t see past his “amazing” girlfriend to what was really in front of him.
“This is all so sudden, and I just need time to get things straight. I can’t rush over there right now and tell her what happened. Even if I did that, it’s not like we could be together. You still have to straighten things out with Clark. So let’s put this whole conversation on the brakes. You’re already upset. I don’t want to continue to cause you pain.”
Too late.
Lexi felt completely drained as she left Jack’s house. Somehow she managed to get back to her apartment in one piece. She collapsed onto the couch. Glad, at least for the moment, that she had no more tears to shed. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy from crying. Her complexion had drained of color. Her lips were only a soft pink. The messy ponytail she had forced her hair into that morning had all but fallen out. She realized for the first time that she didn’t even match. She wore purple sweatpants coupled with a ratty orange t-shirt and blue zip-up hoodie. She kicked off her red, black, and white sneakers to reveal one orange and one neon yellow sock. She couldn’t even remember changing.
Lexi stared upwards pathetically counting the number of dots on the ceiling. She reached a number somewhere in the triple digits, forgot which ones she had already counted, and then started over again. Then she started losing count of how many times she had numbered the same area. She closed her eyes hoping to block out the pain she was feeling. All she wanted to do was forget that all of this had happened. Close her eyes and wake up to find that everything was back to normal or at least skip to the part where she felt like a human being again.
She wasn’t sure how long she had been lying there when her phone started buzzing. She didn’t even realize she had stuffed it into her pocket. A feeling of dread took over her body as she stared at the screen flashing Clark’s name. Her stomach curled in around itself wondering whether or not she should answer. Of course, she knew she should answer, but she really didn’t want to hear him say the words that she knew was coming. How could she let this all be over?
She felt the phone buzz once more, and then with a loud sigh answered the phone. “Clark,” she mumbled into the phone.
“Hey, baby,” he said from the other line. Lexi’s heart fluttered at the pet name. Well that was a good sign. She shook her head. No, it was more likely a habit. She wasn’t sure if she was supposed to respond to him or if he was going to do all the talking. Her throat felt like it had a handful of cotton balls shoved down it, and even if she had wanted to initiate conversation, she would probably need a full glass of water before she could even attempt to manage it.
“We need to talk.” Lexi gulped. That didn’t sound good. How could he sound so calm after blowing up this morning? How was he so controlled? She was all over the charts. She had cried for hours, and then stared at the ceiling for God knows how long. Clark sounded more like he had just taken a brisk morning jog, gotten out of the shower, had breakfast, and was ready to start the day.
“Alright,” she began, clearing her throat. “Let’s talk.”
“Come meet me for coffee.”
Lexi’s head swam as a vision of Jack standing behind a counter handing her a paper cup brimming with coffee filled her. She snapped her eyes closed hoping to clear her head. The last thing she needed to think about right now was Jack. “Can I…just come over?”
“I’d rather not be at one of our houses.”
Why did she always have to associate coffee with Jack? She just wanted to hit herself. Everything seemed to remind her of Jack. She needed to focus on what he was going to say to her. She needed to remain calm as he broke up with her.
“Coffee it is then,” she said weakly. “See you soon.”
“Yeah.”
Lexi decided that it really didn’t matter that she was going out in public in something resembling a clown outfit. If all she was going there for was to be broken up with, then what did it matter? It didn’t really add to the humiliation. She couldn’t humiliate herself any more than she already had.