"Then you and I are the same."
Risking confusion, she nodded.
"I suspect it. But you"—he pointed to her—"have taught me." He touched himself.
"And that's why you can't go around killing people. At least you better do a hell of a lot of thinking before you do. When you talk to Jebel, I and you still exist. With anyone you look at on the ship, or even through a view-screen, I and you are still there."
"The brain must think about that."
"You must think about that, with more than your brain."
"If I must then I will. But we are one, more than others." He touched her face again. "Because you taught me. Because with me you do not have to be afraid of anything. I have just learned, and I may make mistakes with other people; for an I to kill you without a lot of thought is a mistake, isn't it? Do I use the words correctly now?"
She nodded.
"I will make no mistakes with you. That would be too terrible. I will make as few mistakes as I possibly can. And someday I will learn completely." Then he smiled. "Let's hope nobody tries to make any mistakes with me, though. I am sorry for them if they do, because I will probably make a mistake with them very quickly and with very little thought."
"That's fair enough for now, I guess," Rydra said. She took his arms in her hands. "I'm glad you and I are Together, Butcher." Then his arms came up and caught her against his body, and she pressed her face on his shoulder.
"I thank you," he whispered. "I thank you and thank you."
"You're warm," she said into his shoulder. "Don't let go for a little while."
When he did, she blinked up at his face through blue mist and turned all cold. "What is it, Butcher!"
He took her face between his hands and bent his head till amber hair brushed her forehead.
“Butcher, remember I told you I can tell what people are thinking? Well, I can tell something's wrong now, and you said I didn't have to be afraid of you, but you're scaring me now."
She raised his face. There were tears on it.
"Look, just the way something wrong with me would scare you, one thing that's going to scare hell out of me for a long time is something wrong with you. Tell me what it is."
"I can't," he said hoarsely. "I can't. I can't tell you." And the one thing she understood immediately was that it was the most horrible thing he could conceive with his new knowledge. She watched him fight, and fought herself: “Maybe I can help. Butcher! There's a way I can go into the brain and find out what it is."
He backed away and shook his head. "You mustn't. You mustn't do that to me. Please."
"Butcher, I w . . . won't." She was confused.
'Th . . . then I . . . I won't." Confusion hurt.
"Butcher . . . I . . . I won't!" Her adolescent stutter staggered in her mouth.
"I—" he began, breath hard, but becoming softer, “I have been alone and not I for a long time. I must be alone for a little while longer."
"I s . . . see." Suspicion, very small and easily dealt with, came now. When he had backed away, it entered the space between them. But that was human, too. "Butcher? Can you read my mind?"
He looked surprised. "No. I don't even understand how you can read mine."
"All right. I thought maybe there was something in my head that you might be picking up that makes you afraid of me."
He shook his head.
"That's good. Hell, I wouldn't want somebody prying under my scalp. I think I understand."
"I tell you now," he said, coming toward her again, "I and you are one; but I and you are very different. I have seen a lot you will never know. You know of things that I will never see. You have made me not alone, a little. There is a lot in the brain, my brain, about hurting and running and fighting and, even though I was in Titin, a lot about winning. If you are ever in danger, but a real danger where someone might make a mistake with you, then go into the brain, see what is there. Use whatever you need. I ask you, only, to wait until you have done everything else first."
"I'll wait. Butcher," she said.
He held out his hand. "Come."
She took his hand, avoiding the cock spurs.
"No need to see the stasis currents about the alien ship if it is friendly to the Alliance. You and I will stay together a while."
She walked with her shoulder against his arm. “Friend or enemy," she said as they passed through the twilight, heavy with ghosts. "This whole Invasion— sometimes it seems so stupid. That's something they don't allow you to think back where I come from. Here on Jebel Tarik you more or less avoid the question. I envy you that."
"You are going to Administrative Alliance Headquarters because of the Invasion, yes?"
"That's right. But after I go, don't be surprised if I come back." Steps later she looked up again. "That's another thing I wish I could get straight in my head. The Invaders, killed my parents, and the second embargo almost killed me. Two of my Navigators lost their first wife to the Invaders. Still, Ron could wonder about just how right the War Yards were. Nobody likes the Invasion, but it goes on. It's so big I never really thought about trying to get out of it before. It's funny to see a whole bunch of people in their odd, and maybe destructive, way doing just that. Maybe I should simply not bother to go to Headquarters, tell Jebel to turn around and head toward the densest part of the Snap."
“The Invaders," the Butcher said, almost musingly, “they hurt lots of people, you, me. They hurt me too."
"They did?"
"The brain sick, I told you. Invaders did that."
"What did they do?"
The Butcher shrugged. "First thing I remember is escaping from Nueva-nueva York."
"That's the huge port terminal for the Cancer cluster?"
"That's right."
"The Invaders had captured you?"
He nodded. "And did something. Maybe experiment, maybe torture." He shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I can't remember. But when I escaped, I escaped with nothing: no memory, voice, words, name."
“Perhaps you were a prisoner of war, or maybe even somebody important before they captured you—"
He bent and put his cheek against her lips to stop her talking. When he rose, he smiled, sadly she saw. "There are some things the brain may not know, but it can guess: I was always a thief, a murderer, a criminal. And I was no I. The Invaders caught me once. I escaped. The Alliance caught me later at Titin. I escaped—"
"You escaped from Titin?"
He nodded. "I will probably be caught again, because that's what happens to criminals in this universe. And maybe I will escape once more." He shrugged. "Maybe I will not be caught again, though." He looked at her, surprised not at her but at something in himself. "I was no I before, but now there is a reason to stay free. I will not be caught again. There is a reason."
"What is it, Butcher?"
"Because I am," he said softly, "and you are."
V
"YOU FINISHING u' your dictionary?" Brass asked.
“Finished yesterday. Poem." She closed the notebook. "We should be at the tip of the Tongue soon. Butcher just told me this morning that the Yiribians have been keeping us company for four days, Brass, do you have any idea what they—"
Magnified by the loudspeakers, Jebel's voice: "Ready Tarik for immediate defense. Repeat, immediate defense."
"What the hell is going on now?' Rydra asked. Around them the commons rose in unified activity—"Look, hunt up the crew and get them down to ejection gates."
"That's where the s'ider-boats leave from?"
"Right." Rydra stood.
"We gonna mix it u' some, Ca'tain?"
"If we have to," Rydra said, and started across the floor.
She beat the crew by a minute and caught the Butcher at the ejection hatch. Tarik's fighting crew hurried along the corridor in ordered confusion.