I don’t know if killing his father is going to make Sylas feel better or worse. I don’t know if it will give him the peace he needs. But he needs the chance to find out. It’s not my choice to make, but his.
Dad and Sylas share a moment and I feel like an intruder. They stare at one another and something unsaid passes between them. Dad nods, picks up the stack of papers and hands them to Sylas.
“Thank you,” Sylas says, closing his eyes and exhaling. “Thank you.”
Sylas leaves the office, but I stay with Dad. I know Sylas is going to wait for me up in my room.
“Are you okay?” I ask him. I’ve been saying this a lot as well.
“No, I’m not. I just gave up on the woman I love.” He’s staring out the window again. I walk toward him and rest my head against his shoulder.
“You’re honoring her memory.” If killing the man who killed her can be called “honor.” I’m still not sure how I feel about it.
“Seeing his face brought everything back. How she slowly lost her beautiful light. He crushed it from her. Stomped her under his foot. He deserves so much more than death. So much more.” His voice shakes.
I brush my hand up and down his back.
“I know, but you can’t let this eat at you for the rest of your life. She’s not alive anymore, but you are. I’m here and I love you and then there’s Lizzy. Don’t forget about her. You’re going to love her and I’m sure she’s going to love you.” I need to make him focus on what he has, not what he’s lost.
He exhales through his nose.
“You’re right. You’re right.” He looks down at me. “I’m sorry I’ve been so distracted lately. So distant.”
“It’s okay,” I say, giving him another hug. “I love you, okay?” He puts his arms around me.
“I know. I love you, too.” He plants a kiss on the top of my head and then I tell him I’m going to go with Sylas. I have no idea what our next move is, but I have the feeling it’s going to involve a trip to Texas.
“I’ll let you know what’s going on,” I say, just before I close the door. He goes back to gazing at the garden.
Sylas is exactly where I thought he would be. In my room, on my bed. He’s going through the papers again. He doesn’t look up when I walk in and quietly close the door.
“What are you going to do now?” I ask. I'm not sure if he’s going to include me in his plans. I hope he does, so I don’t have to do it behind his back.
“Cash knew. He knew and he didn’t tell me,” he says, but he’s not angry. He’s surprised.
“When you were gone, I called him and asked if he’d seen you. He said that there was something he wanted to talk to you about. Maybe it was this.” He sets another page aside and meets my eyes.
“Maybe. Or maybe he was never going to tell me. Your father would go and find him and kill him and I’d never know. They say ignorance is bliss, but that’s bullshit.” Certain kinds of ignorance, I suppose.
“What are you going to say to Cash?” I ask. I’m picturing another scene with physical blows.
“I’m not going to hurt him. He’s stronger than I am, for one, and he fights dirty.” I breathe a little sigh of relief.
“That doesn’t mean he’s off the hook, though.”
“I imagine not.” I bite my lip and wonder what I should do. What my place is in all this. Wonder if I’m still a priority in the face of revenge.
“We should go,” he says, gathering up the pages and tucking them under his arm. We. He said we.
“Okay,” I say, and he gives me a tight smile before getting up from the bed and walking toward me.
“When we get back to your place, I’m going to need to fuck you. Hard. All night.” My body blazes with fire and need. I love it when he wants me like this. It’s primal and raw and it’s just as wonderful as when we go slowly.
“Okay,” I say, and my voice comes out as a squeak.
He wasn’t lying. The minute we get out of the car, he’s taking my hand and dragging me up the stairs to my place. He even takes the keys from me to open the door faster.
The papers tumble to the floor, scattering all around. He tackles me and before I know what’s happening, we’re fucking on top of the surveillance photos of his father. I try not to think about the symbolism as he drives so hard into me his hipbones leave bruises and I know I’m going to be raw in the morning. The little spark of pain adds another dimension to the sex and I hold onto him so he won’t fuck me across the floor. When he finally comes, he pulls out and does it on my stomach. He’s never done that before and I wonder why, but I don’t ask. His eyes are wild and he’s breathing hard. He lies on his back for a moment and then gets and comes back with a towel to clean me off. I slowly get up and peel the papers off my back.
“Bedroom?” he says, and I nod. The next second I’m in his arms and he’s carrying me, holding me much more gently. He lays me down in bed and then joins me. I turn on my side to face him. He’s looking at my body, his eyes tracing my neck and shoulders, my stomach and hips and toes.
“Are you going to kill him?” I ask in a hushed voice. His eyes flick up to meet mine.
“I want to. More than anything. It’s what I always wanted. I was always jealous of the person who sunk a shiv into him in the prison yard. Come to find out that never happened and now I get to be the person to do it.” He reaches out and twirls a few strands of hair between his fingers.
That didn’t answer my question.
“I keep trying to think what she would want. What she would say if I asked her,” he says.
“And?”
“I don’t know, Saige. I really don’t know.” The storm has passed for the moment, but I’m only waiting. The clouds will come around again.
“You don’t have to decide right this second,” I say, tracing one of the birds on his stomach.
“But I have to decide soon. He’s not going to stay in one place.” Probably not.
“But Cash has already found him, so it’s just a matter of tracking him now.”
“I suppose.” He flops on his back and looks up at the ceiling.
“I don’t know what to fucking do. I have so much going on in my brain. It feels like it’s going to explode,” he says. I turn over and then lay myself across his chest.
“You can talk to me, you know. About anything.” His arm goes around me and starts drawing random patterns on my back.
“I know. I really want to thank you for today. I know I scared you and I'm sorry about that. I really regret putting my hands on your father. I’ve just never felt so out of control in my life.”
“You don’t have to thank me. This is what people do who love each other. They support one another.” It’s about time he had someone to be his rock. His light in the darkness. I’m more than happy to fill that role.
“Every day I remind myself I don’t deserve you, Saige Juliette Beaumont. I don’t deserve you, Redhead.”
I kiss his chest.
“It doesn’t matter if you do. You’ve got me.” He chuckles.
I expected him to jump right up and charge after his father, leaving me in the dust. But he fucks me several more times instead and then falls asleep. I think he’s exhausted, both physically and mentally.
And I still don’t think he knows what he’s going to do. I like that he’s stopping to consider what his mother would want. I know she’d like that, if she were here. I’m not sure if I believe in heaven or not, but I’m sure if she could have stuck around, she would have. For both her children.
Lizzy. It’s good that she’s not involved in this.
I fall asleep after Sylas and only wake when he gets up.
“Where are you going?” I say, reaching out to grab him.
“Bathroom,” he says, leaning down to kiss my forehead. “Be right back.”
My eyes fly open and I panic, thinking maybe he’s tricking me and he’s going to leave. But then I hear the water run and he’s back in the room, lying down next to me and pulling me against his chest again.