“Her eyes were so… empty. She wasn’t there anymore. She was gone. That was the hardest part. Knowing she was gone and never coming back. I was just so glad it was me who found her and not Lizzy. I never would have been able to live with myself if it had been her.” The very idea of sweet Lizzy seeing that makes me want to vomit.
“And then there was the fire and I was only able to save a few things. Some pictures and, for some reason, our coffee table.” The coffee table? I remember seeing the one in his apartment that looked like it had been burned. Oh.
“When I saw him, all I could remember was that day and I just… I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I was far away, floating and watching my body in the car. I can’t describe it any way other than that. I’ve never felt that way before. I was so scared, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t get myself out of it. I could hear you and Cash and I tried, but my body wouldn’t let me.
“I couldn’t even think about killing him. I had the gun with the silencer all ready. I was going to take him out and drive away and never give him another thought. Killing him was supposed to get him out of my head.” It’s not that simple. If it were, then there would be a lot more vigilante justice in the world.
He shakes his head back and forth, like he’s trying to shake his thoughts out. Reaching for me, he takes my hands.
“I want you to know that I love you. I love you so much, Saige, and I never want to put you through that again. I want to be what you need. I don’t want to drag you down with me.” He’s not dragging me anywhere I’m not willing to go, but he won’t believe me when I tell him that.
“I wish I had never taken this job. Never met you. I wish I could take it back.” I think he’s going to break down again, but he doesn’t. He bites his bottom lip between his teeth and I can see how much he’s struggling.
“I don’t regret it. I know you don’t believe in fate, but I do. We were meant to find one another, Sylas and I need you to know I’m in. I’m all in for the long haul. Whatever that looks like for us. We’re never going to be the traditional couple, that’s for sure. We’re not white picket fence people. But I think we make each other happy, and we’ll find our own way to live happily ever after.” I know I sound sappy, but I don’t give a shit. I have to lay this all out and have him hear me.
“You…” he says, but he can’t continue. He pulls me into his arms and Leo protests between us and jumps to the floor.
“You are everything that is good in the world, Saige. Everything,” he says in my ear as we share our first embrace since I found him in that hotel room.
“I want to be better for you. I want to be good for you.”
“You already are,” I say.
We spend the rest of the day talking. Like I did in my letter, he lays everything out. He tells me things I already know and things I don’t. It’s harsh and ugly and heartbreaking, but I listen to every single word.
I owe it to him. He read all about my past. Not that I had anything near as horrible in mine. Still, if we want to be together, this is what it’s going to take.
When he finally finishes, I can sense that he’s coming back to his old self.
“I think I need to talk to someone. Someone other than you. A professional. I just never have because most of my activities aren’t all that legal.” That is a good point. I’m not sure what the protocol is if a shrink hears their patient doing illegal activities.
“I’m sure we can find someone who wouldn’t break your confidentiality. There has to be someone out there.”
He finally shows me a glimmer of a smile.
“I didn’t think it was going to be as hard as it was. But I’m glad I told you. You’re the only person in the world who knows everything.” That’s quite a responsibility and I don’t take it lightly.
I lean forward and kiss one cheek, then the other.
“Thank you for trusting me.”
He laughs.
“I still don’t trust you. But I love you anyway.”
That makes me laugh as well.
“Fair enough.”
We’re both completely and totally exhausted, so we head to bed without even getting undressed. I’m not sure if I’m going to make it to class tomorrow, but I’m going to give it my best shot.
Sylas wraps his arms and legs around me, as if he’s afraid I’m going to vanish. I hope I can comfort him, but then I’m the one who wakes in the middle of the night and can’t breathe.
The nightmares are back.
I thought when Sylas started sleeping over they were going to go away. In the past, they seemed to strike when I was sleeping alone. It was actually one of the reasons I went through so many boyfriends my first two years of college. It wasn’t about the sex, it was about the sleeping together afterward. Finding guys that were up for staying over wasn’t easy.
With Sylas, I only had one episode at the hotel, and then I thought I was done. I felt secure and I was in love and my life was on track.
Sylas comforts me as I cry and try and remember what happened. I never can. As soon as I think I remember something, it fades away quicker than I can try to grab onto it. I thought I had learned how to deal with it, but if this is going to be a pattern, I’m going to have to do something. I can’t sit by and let this keep happening to me. Can’t let my subconscious control my life.
“What a mess we are,” I say, closing my eyes and matching my breathing to Sylas’.
“Maybe that’s why we fit together.”
Eighteen
Sylas proves that he’s wonderful when he wakes me the next morning with enough time for me to shower and get to class on time. He gets up with me, even though he should probably stay in bed and rest some more.
“I wish I’d gone to college,” he says, watching me get dressed. I can’t help but blush at the way he watches my body move, his gaze both hot and appreciative at the same time. I would absolutely love to lose myself with him, but there’s no time.
“You do? What would you have studied?” Sometimes I think about the “Quinn” bits of information he told me and which ones are actually true. He put a surprising amount of himself in that character he played. But maybe it was easier to lie that way. Sprinkle in a dash of truth.
“I don’t know. I was so lost in high school. Always distracted by what was happening at home. I never really had the chance to explore anything. And then I started doing this and never looked back.” I decide to pull my hair up and look at him in the mirror as I make sure I get my bun just right.
“You could always go back. Live the straight life,” I say, winking. We both know there is no going back for either of us. We were made for this life. It will always be a part of us. I know that even if I don’t work with my father anymore, it will still follow me.
We’ll always have our secret lives, but at least we can have them together.
“Maybe.” He rolls over on his back and Leo jumps on the bed.
“You could. Think about it.”
He’s lost in thought again as I head out. I don’t ask him to promise me he’s not going to leave. I don’t have to. This time, at least, I trust him to stay put.
Dad calls me during lunch and I want to avoid the call, but I also don’t want him to be suspicious.
“Hey, Dad.” I wish my voice sounded more upbeat. I sound tired.
“Hey, Saige. I was just checking in. How are things?” Could he be more obvious?
“Dad. Come out and say it. You’re calling to ask about Sylas. It’s finals week and I don’t have time to beat around the bush.” I’m lucky my father doesn’t mind when I snap at him like this. He’s more than used to it.