Ella was beaming, her happy gaze went to the two waiters carrying in new plates with silver covers over them.
Chicken breast in aspic with leeks and mustard seeds.
Putting his forefinger to his lips, Thomas asked her to keep quiet and not show him up again over the meat. Ella loved aspic, he wasn’t going to send his back, she simply ate half of his serving. She put out her fork right across the table to his plate as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
Oh, wonderful, how good that tastes! Poor Thomas, you’re not going to get much to eat today. Ella bowed her head in pretended regret. She was enjoying the meal, she didn’t want to suffer pangs of conscience. Doesn’t that smell good? Go on, do try it. I mean, the chicken’s died for us already. You can’t just send parts of its body back, then it would have died for nothing.
Leave me alone. Thomas was red in the face. He was embarrassed by the attention she was drawing to them.
Chickie chickie chickie. . Ella’s fork reached over the table to Thomas’s plate again as if there were a little chicken there to be enticed out.
Tongue with mustard sauce and green pepper served with boiled potatoes in butter and parsley for the lady, bean casserole for the gentleman.
Ella looked triumphantly at her brother. Serves you right! She nodded eagerly to the waiter and took the fork from his hand even before he could put it down beside her plate, as a substitute for the big fork that she had used by mistake for the chicken breast in aspic, and she dug its prongs into the ox tongue. A poem! Ella was quoting Käthe, who described any delicious meal as a poem. Ella chewed, closing her eyes. I can see our Baltic estates, dear husband, our trees on the Darss peninsula bending in the wind, red deer trotting down to the sea early in the morning, bending their heads and drinking salt water, I see dunes where seagrass grows, reed beds rippling, and the white-flecked meadows by the brackish water where the singing swans raise their cygnets and graze, they bend their long necks and dig holes as they search for roots, further on, near the outskirts of the village of Ahrenshoop, the first buttercups are in bright yellow flower, and our kindly, fat cows walk among them, cheerfully crushing them. Cautiously, Ella opened her eyes and looked to see whether Thomas was listening, picturing the pretty cattle with their gentle eyes and tender tongues. Ella licked her lips. This is delicious!
Thomas ate a mouthful of bean casserole and looked at her. Your cheeks are glowing.
Here’s to glowing cheeks! Ella raised her wine glass and drank to Thomas.
Here’s to you. Thomas raised his own glass and emptied it. What makes you so cruel, Ella? Don’t you ever think of any living creature but yourself?
Heavens, where would that get us? Who else would you like me to think of? Aren’t I thinking of our cattle and our deer on the Darss peninsula? Are we nothing but creatures, then, do we do so little creating ourselves?
Thomas shrugged his shoulders. When Ella was getting on his nerves he could manage not to look at her for hours on end. One of those long periods could have begun just now.
Cheer up, little one, this is all about the fact that I like eating meat, right?
Thomas put down his wine glass, threw his head back, raised it again and belched gently at Ella. It’s an experiment, take it that way. No one has to kill and eat animals. My pacifist contribution to the world.
Ah, I see. Ella nodded in agreement, as if she were finally accepting what he said. A waltz was followed by slow music intended for couples in love and newly married, like them.
Shall we dance? Ella winked at Thomas and dabbed her mouth ceremoniously with her napkin. He put down his wine glass. Taking his sleeve, she led him through the double door to the dance floor.
There’s only one man I can be happy with, Ella whispered in Thomas’s ear, and that’s you. All the others want to touch me, stick their tongues in my mouth, fuck me, hurt me. Ella shook herself. It’s disgusting, they’re as greedy for it as animals. You’re different. She turned right, holding Thomas so close that he had to turn with her.
You think so? Thomas’s eyelashes fluttered, and he did not step back but danced hesitantly on the spot, so that Ella trod on his toes.
I certainly am. Ella nodded vigorously. No doubt about it, you’d never want that, not with me, and perhaps — she hesitated — no, certainly not with any other girl.
Ella pushed his arm, pressed her knee against his so that he would keep moving his legs. She pushed him on, but he turned against her arm. What is it, don’t you like dancing? Your shoulders are drooping as if you were a sack of potatoes. Thomas had blue eyes with a green glint to them on many sunny days, and when he was happy. Today they were a shade of grey in the dim lighting of the restaurant. Are you tipsy already? Ella giggled.
Thomas shuffled from foot to foot on the spot. I wish I were the one.
What one?
The one you look at, the one you want. Thomas’s sad expression intrigued Ella. He went on: I’m not sure if I’m really any different from other boys. You hope so. But why would I be different?
You just are different, you’re not an animal.
Yes, I am. Thomas was nodding now, I’m a mammal. Or if I may say so, a human being.
You’re not your body’s slave. Ella impatiently guided Thomas through the dancing couples, and he let her lead him, but that was not enough of a signal.
Not the slave, maybe, but the servant. Not just of my body, of other people’s as well.
Then human beings are barbaric because they’re born through sexual intercourse?
Well, aren’t they? Thomas looked doubtfully at Ella. Barbaric, I mean? Maybe it’s not just because of the two sexes, there are a few other details involved.
I don’t know. Ella was laughing now, she held Thomas’s arm up so high that it served as an arch and she could twirl in the dance under it. I can’t imagine you doing it with Violetta or any other. . you don’t want to, do you?
Thomas did not reply; he didn’t know what to say. I’ll have to sit down. He was moving more slowly, and looked as if he might stop.
Not yet. Ella twirled again. There’s nothing nicer than feeling dizzy as you dance.
Do you think, whispered Thomas, searching for words, affectionately, sternly, do you think you’re the only one to feel helpless? What can I do about it? I’m a boy. I don’t want to be a girl.
You’re drunk.
Thomas shook his head. How would I be different when I’m going to be a man, when I’m a boy? He felt exhausted and wanted to lay his head on Ella’s swaying shoulder. She was tireless when she began dancing, they could go on all night like this with him following her, holding up his arm for her to twirl under it, holding out a hand while she moved to one side as soon as he wanted to rest his head. Can I stop nature in its tracks?
Yes, stop it in its tracks. Stop all nature in its tracks. Come on, let’s swear never to grow up. Ella raised her fingers in the air, her eyes were shining. I’m going to stay small and never be anyone’s wife.
Is that what you want me to swear? Never to be anyone’s wife?
Husband for you, of course, swear never to be anyone’s husband. .
They danced, and Thomas watched their shadows on the dance floor.
There’s something I must tell you, he called out so that she could hear him; she had moved so far away that only their fingertips touched now and then.