I’m not sure if it was the right decision, however, because Emily seemed to resent her for it. And me, of course, for being the cause.
I tried to stay out of her way, most of the time. But it was never the same.
She never ate dinner with us; she was always in her bedroom.
She never joined family nights or any of the activities we did together.
She pretty much locked herself away with her books and her memories.
Sometimes I stand in front of her door, my hand hovering so close I could knock. I think about all the things I’d say to her—how I’d beg her for forgiveness, how I’d attempt to rebuild our relationship. Or any relationship, for that matter. With her, my family. Anyone and anything would be okay, as long as she’d stop being angry. So we can move on.
But then I realize that’s the most selfish thing I could ever think.
Maybe she doesn’t want to forgive. Maybe she doesn’t want to forget.
And who am I to tell her any different?
I was the one who made her sad. I was the one who made her world stop.
I can’t possibly do or say anything that would make it better. I can’t fix anything.
And so the moment where I attempt to redeem myself passes. I lower my hand and walk to my room. Just like I always do.
Walk away, for her sake. So maybe, one day, she’ll be happy again. Even if it’s without me.
***
Present
Waking up next to Emily feels like a dream come true.
It’s only when I realize that she’s still sleeping that it sinks in what we did last night.
We had sex, and I didn’t wear any protection.
I don’t want her to worry because I don’t have anything. I get myself checked every month, and I had my latest check-up just a few days ago. I haven’t fucked anyone else beside her, and she hasn’t either. I know her too well for that. She’s not the type to fool around.
Still, I know she’ll be mad at herself and me. We’re stupid and in love. Or at least, I am. I can feel it when I look at her, my heart pounding out of my chest, a smile lodged on my face. Just thinking about being with her makes me happy, like we’re floating on a cloud.
Except, the moment she wakes up, I’ll come crashing down again.
I don’t want her to be angry with me. I have to fight for her love, fight for her approval, fight for her. I’ll prove myself to her.
In a love-drunk haze, I pick up my phone, only to realize that it’s fucking eleven, and I’m supposed to be at the tracks in less than an hour.
I scramble out of bed, gather my clothes to put them on, and grab a piece of paper and a pen. I write down some words, hoping she’ll understand. I’m not much of a words type of man. I prefer action, hot action most of all. But there will be plenty of time for that later.
First, I have to show her that I can be the man she wants. Responsible, dutiful, caring, and above all, someone to be proud of.
I glance at her one final time before I leave her apartment. I’ll have the sight of her lying naked on her bed firmly planted in my memory, which will help me win today’s race.
I will fucking win.
I will fucking get her.
I will make things right.
Chapter 33
Emily
The moment I’m awake, my eyes spring open and I sit up straight in my bed.
Oh, my god. I had sex with Chris last night. And … fuck!
I throw off the blanket, jump out of bed, and rip open my drawer to rummage through my shit until I find my pill. I quickly swallow one down before the time between the previous one ends. I’m still in time, I should be in the safe-zone.
Except, I had sex with Chris. Again.
Biting my lip, I turn around and breathe a sigh of relief when I notice he isn’t even there.
Which is weird because I could’ve sworn he went to bed with me last night.
That’s when I notice the lights are on in the living room, and there’s a half-full glass of milk sitting on the table. Next to it is a note.
I grab it and read it immediately.
I love you, Emily.
I know you don’t want to hear it, but I have to say it. I had to get it off my chest, which is why I’ll write it in a note instead of telling you out loud.
I love you.
More than anything in this world.
And I’m sorry for what I did. There’s no way I can make it up to you, but I still hope you’ll forgive me one day. I’ll wait until you’re ready. Forever, if I have to.
I wish I could’ve stayed in bed with you, but I have a race in about fifteen minutes. I’m dedicating it to you.
I promise you now I’ll win, no matter what.
I’ll win your heart again, too … one day.
Xx Chris
PS: No, I don’t have any STDs and I know you don’t either, so we’re safe. If you want proof, come and get it. Locker fourteen. The combination is three-five-zero-nine.
I sigh out loud. “Seriously, Chris?”
Now I have to follow him to the tracks to make sure. I guess that was his plan all along to get me to come to his race.
Well, since my job requires me to be there anyway to answer questions in his place and arrange interviews, I guess I have no choice but to show up.
Suddenly, my phone rings. It’s Alyssa.
“Hey, Emily! Are you going to the racetracks today?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Oh, I just figured it’d be fun for us to go together.”
I frown, wondering what she’s up to. It sounds like a trap. “You sure you want that?”
“Of course! I have a day off today, and I’m bored. Plus, I know you’ll need the mental support.”
“Thanks,” I say sarcastically.
“Aw, now, don’t take it the wrong way. You know I’m always cheering you on.”
“Yeah, I know. But … oh, forget it.”
“Oh, boy. Tell me … what happened?”
“Ah, it’s nothing,” I say, already flushing from the thought that I actually considered telling her.
“Is it about Chris?” she muses. “It is, isn’t it?”
“Maybe, but let’s just meet up, okay?” I’m trying my best to shift the conversation, but she’s not letting this go.
“What did he do? Did he try to do something? Did you guys make out?”
“Alyssa!” I can already feel my cheeks heat up.
“Oh, my god.”
“What?”
“You didn’t.”
“I didn’t what.”
She muffles a laugh. “You did …. didn’t you?”
“I did what?” I frown.
“I knew it!” she squeals.
Oh, lord. Did she find out just by asking nothing? She did, didn’t she?
“You had sex with him!”
“What? What makes you think that?”
“Don’t deny it! When you get all secretive and keep your emotions tucked away, I know there’s something wrong. And since it has to do with Chris, I figured this was the only answer.”
“Alyssa! Seriously?”
“Hey, I’ve known for a long time that dude would not give up on you. I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did.”
“Oh, my god … we are not having this conversation.” I rub my forehead, wishing I could just hang up, but that would be rude.
“Don’t worry; I’ll keep your secret. But that doesn’t mean I can’t secretly be proud of you, Em.” I think I can hear her smile through the phone. “I knew you two would get back together.”
“Jesus, he really has told you a lot, hasn’t he?”
“Ahh, we talk sometimes. No biggie.”