"Okay." He was gone. She couldn't help watching him as he walked. His lithe young body was tall and graceful. His long hair was clean and curly.
A beautiful boy.
Stop that! What's the matter with you?
She shivered with fear.
Am I a sex pervert? No. It can't be. I was mistaken. I'll find out at three o'clock.
Laura had a sudden headache, and she needed a drink.
If I'm mistaken, why does my cunt still ache?
She trembled with fear.
Laura moved her class into the television room, and she turned the set on, tuned it in and shut the drapes. She sat down to take notes on the program, so that she and the class could have a discussion when the show was over.
Bobby sat two rows in front of her, slightly to one side. She saw his face and shoulders at a slight angle. Laura couldn't stop looking at him. She noticed the clear, fresh skin and the beautiful, even white teeth as he giggled with a neighbor. His hair was a dark blond.
I'll bet it was platinum when he was a baby.
The program was a fine one, but Laura couldn't keep her mind on insects. She and Bobby were both missing the show. Laura's mind was on Bobby, and his mind was on gossiping with his friend. She forced herself to take a few notes on grasshoppers, but her breath was coming very fast. She felt restless and excited, and her eyes kept returning to feast on young Bobby.
When the program was finally over, Laura turned off the set, opened the drapes and herded her noisy group back to their classroom. There wasn't much time for a long discussion, so Laura called on various children to tell what they thought were the most interesting things they had seen. Laura was so experienced that she knew how to hide her inattention during the program. She let the pupils tell her what she missed. She asked one or two questions about grasshoppers, avoiding Bobby.
Why not call on him? I would have made a point of it before! Why am I coddling him? A week ago I would have read him the riot act for gabbing during a lesson. What's the matter with me?
Laura was grateful when the morning was over. She had brought her lunch, intending to eat it in the teachers' lounge with the other teachers.
I need a drink. I can eat while I drive. I'm not even hungry. If I don't dawdle, I can get home and back in time.
Laura really lived too far away from the school to go home at lunch time. She knew she was acting like a fool, but she was very upset about her new feelings. She didn't think she could make it through the day till three o'clock without a drink.
I have to hurry.
She ran through the hall, eager to get to her car and drive home to her bar. An hour wasn't quite enough to make the trip without rushing.
Mr. Lawson was calling to her.
That's a riot! All last year I drooled over him and he ignored me. Why the sudden interest?
"Oh, Laura. Wait a second. I've wanted to ask you something for a week, but you're either too busy or you're absent."
"Hi," she answered, her mind on getting home.
"How are you feeling? I've heard that you were ill."
"I'm better now, thanks."
A few months ago I could have dropped dead and he would have walked around my body and ignored it. Why is he so interested in me now? I must have developed sex appeal. Maybe sex perverts give out rays.
Laura wasn't a bit angry with him, just uninterested.
He wasn't discouraged by the fact that she kept walking toward the parking lot. He walked right along beside her.
"I'm sort of in a hurry," she explained politely.
"I won't keep you. How about dinner Saturday night?"
She stopped dead. A year ago she would have died for that. "Uh… I think I'm busy. Can I let you know?" She didn't know what to do.
He appeared to be crestfallen. It didn't look as if Mr. Lawson had ever been refused before. He revived suddenly, because he probably didn't believe it. "Sure. I'll stop in your room at three o'clock."
"No! Please don't! I have an important conference then. I'll leave a note in your mailbox."
He looked in a state of shock, as he wasn't accustomed to anything but female adoration. Mr. Lawson was the spoiled darling of the whole school. Even the young student teachers chased after him.
What's the matter with me? I know I'm not busy Saturday night. I haven't had a date in months.
Laura's mind wasn't on him. She needed a drink.
"Okay. Can I stop in to see you tomorrow morning before class?" He gave her his most chasing personality smile. It looked like he must have practiced it in front of a mirror.
"Of course," Laura answered, noticing how handsome he was.
If I make it. No. I'm going to make it. I have to!
Mr. Lawson left her, and she ran for her car.
Now I'm going to be late.
All the way home she brooded about whether she wanted to go out with him Saturday night. She knew that she needed a social life. He was a handsome bachelor.
What more do I need?
Laura shuddered. She had a strange premonition that her needs were not normal, and never would be.
Laura had three quick drinks, and she drove slowly back to school, not wanting to be stopped by the police for drunken driving. She had decided to go out with Mr. Lawson, even though he no longer attracted her.
It's time I acted like a human being.
She was treating this attractive bachelor as though he were medicine.
But what is my illness? What's wrong with me?
Laura finally arrived at school and got things ready for the afternoon social studies film. She wasn't quite finished when the children came in, so she gave them a short reading assignment in the text, and she fussed with the machine, putting in the film.
A young boy was suddenly at her side. It was Billy Randstein, who was always helpful. "Would you like me to help you with that, Miss Bellini? Mr. Lawson showed some of us guys how to thread it."
"Thank you." She was relived not to do it in her present condition. She kept watching Billy. He was a good-looking boy.
They all look good to me today, she worried.
His reddish-brown hair, white skin and pink cheeks reminded her of a beautiful flower. Laura held her hand to keep it from touching him. She realized in horror that this boy thrilled her, too. She shuddered and tried to look away from him.
Three o'clock finally came. She had conducted a poor social studies discussion after the film, and then she had wept all through the children's recess and gym periods. Laura knew now that something was seriously wrong with her. She didn't need to have Bobby stay at three o'clock to test it. She knew.
In an effort to forget Bobby, Laura wrote a note to Mr. Lawson thanking him for his invitation and refusing it. There just seemed to be no reason now to go with him. She was very upset, and he didn't attract her at all.
He's too old. I want little boys. I want to suck on a little boy's cock. I'm a sex moron. What would I want with a nice, handsome man?
The more Laura abused and scolded herself, the worse she felt. But she couldn't seem to shame herself into canceling her three-o'clock date with Bobby. She feared it, and she waited for it eagerly-not to test herself, but to be close to him again!
It was finally time. The children were leaving and saying good-bye to her. In spite of her inefficiency that day, they seemed glad to have her back. Laura kept her eye on Bobby, intending to remind him if he forgot to stay or tried to slip out. She couldn't stand to miss this meeting after waiting for it all day.
They were finally alone together. Laura stalled, not really knowing why she wanted him there. She had him bring up his social studies report to her desk and sit near her. He wasn't very close, so she moved her chair nearer to him. The boy's eyes were on the clock.
His mind's on his baseball practice. I have to hurry. Whatever I want to find out, I'd better do it soon.
She realized that she was trying to fool herself.
Laura fell into a kind of trance. She knew what she was doing, it seemed to her as though someone else was doing it and she was just observer.