"Twenty-five. She looks younger-she could be younger. Beatrice always had a fine bottom, did you not, Beatrice?"
My eyes said no-yes. Her fingertips floated my globe, my split peach, my pumpkin glory pale. The tip of her forefinger sought the groove. My lips quivered. Jenny did not look away. All hands should be hidden from people. My mother told me that. Hands can be wicked. My wrists were bound.
My aunt's finger tasted the inrolling of my bottom cheeks and wormed between them.
No-even my husband did not do that. Edward never did that. His stepmother was jealous of me. He bought her flowers. I remembered his cock. It was thin and long.
I made a noise-soft, small noise. The fingertip had touched my rose, my anus, my little bottom mouth that makes an O. My aunt smiled. She had turned my chin towards her. I bubbled little bubbling sounds. I jerked my bottom. My lips pursed in a long, soundless oooooh. The fingertip oozed in me and it moved. Back and forth, an inch of it, it moved.
My aunt took my nose pinched between her thumb and finger. I was like a fish. I had to part my lips to breathe. Rouge-scented, her mouth came to my mouth. Her tongue extended, licked within. I squirmed. Between my bottom cheeks her finger sank. In deeper sank. I was impaled. My breath hush-rushed. Her tongue worked. It worked its long wet work around my tongue. Her finger moved in-out, gently, like a train uncertain at a tunnel. Menace of dark and tightness.
Her finger felt burny, itchy, strange. Then it came out. Her tongue came out. I tasted her rouge on my mouth with my rouge. I wanted to tell Jenny that but I hated her. My aunt gave my bottom a pat and stood up. She smoothed her skirt down.
"She should bathe," my aunt said. "Take her, Jenny."
Jenny made me get up. Into the hallway I was led, along to the bathroom. As in those days it was huge-a fireplace within. The walls were draped with dark blue velvet all around. The bath was of white porcelain. Unshackled, my attire was removed. The water had already been brought in and emptied by the servants into the bath. It was lukewarm and pleasant.
"You know I love you," Jenny said.
I sat down. The water lapped me with its tongues. I liked that. Jenny sponged me and poured scented water over me from a pitcher.
"Do you remember we learned wicked words at boarding school?" she asked. I wanted to ask things, but I did not. I nodded. Her eyes were bright and merry. Christmas tree decorations. "What is cunt?" she asked.
"Con," I said. I did not want her to think 1 did not know. I like the French word but not the English word. The English word is ugly. Its edges are sharp.
"And prick?" She held my head round so that I could look into her eyes. Her breasts were splashed with water. I wanted to nibble her nipples.
"Pine." I knew I was right. I would never then say prick. Why are all wicked words sharp in English? Someone sharpened them. Anglo-Saxons with dirty beards and guttural voices sharpened them. My bottom squashed its cheeks into the water, plump. Is it too big?
"And sperm?" She would not stop. Jenny was often tike that before, not ever stopping. She would tickle me in bed when we were younger and make me say things. In my imaginings I would say better things, naughtier things, but I never told her. Did she know? Was this punishment?
"Foutre," I said. I knew she liked the word best. I liked the word best. It was like a ripe plum being chewed and then pieces coming out briefly on the lips before being swallowed. The word was thick bubbles around my tongue. Creamy bubbles.
"Have you not been whipped yet?"
It was Jenny asking me. At first I did not know that it was. I thought the voice came from the ceiling. I did not answer. 1 was mute. Her fingers moved over the outjutting of my breasts. My nipples had risen under the sponge. Jenny licked inside my ear. I giggled. It wasn't fair.
"I knew you hadn't been," she said, "get up."
My feet slipped. She smacked me. "Now stand still," she said, just as Father and Uncle said. She sponged my legs and made me open them. The sponge was squelchy and warm under my pussy. Did Jenny ever touch me there before? No, yes. In bed once, I think. That was summers ago. The ice cream has all been eaten since then, the plates put away.
"Move your hips. Rub them against the sponge, Beatrice. Did you often come over Edward's prick?"
"I hate you," I said. There were tears in my eyes. She knew that I would not tell her. She became impatient with me.
"Oh, get out," she said. She pulled me roughly from the bath and towelled me. She was brisk and quick as Mother used to be when I was young. Younger young. Then she powdered me. Clouds of powdering me. The powder made me sneeze.
She led me back into my room. The house was silent. Had they all run away?
"I want champagne," I said. I do not know why I said it. Bubbles. Foutre. Jenny laughed.
"There should be rouge on your nipples," she said. She had left the door open. From along the passageway came sounds, cries, whimpers.
"Please?" I asked. I felt as if I were speaking in a foreign language and that I only knew the beginnings of sentences. Then I recovered myself. "I heard Caroline," I said.
Jenny put a white linen nightdress over my head. It flowed to my feet. The hem was wide. "You shall see," she replied. She took my hand and led me along the corridor. The door to Caroline's room was half open.
Caroline was lying naked on her bed, face down. Her wrists and ankles were bound as mine had been. Aunt Maude was swishing a long slender cane lightly across her tight, pink cheeks. Caroline's face was flushed. At every contact of the cane she jerked her hips and whimpered.
"You will both sleep now," Jenny said. She pushed me back into my room and closed the door. I heard the lock click. The tasselled curtains parted to my hands. I pressed my forehead to the cool glass and stared down into darkness. The baker's van had gone-the maid-the cat. Had the loaf been eaten?
My bed was soft and comfortable, the sheets scented with lavender. The oil lamps made shadows on the ceiling. I could not stir myself to extinguish them. A servant would come in the morning and attend to them.
Through the green-blue sea I floated. The dark shadow of a huge ship loomed above me. I reached and touched the planks and felt the barnacles. There was seaweed in my hair. Father came floating towards me. My skirts billowed up to my hips in the deep, still waters.
No one could see.
SIX
The sun was warm when I awoke. The curtains had been drawn back-the lamps removed. Evidently I had slept heavily. Jenny roused me, smiling from the doorway where she stood. The gong below sounded for breakfast.
"You are late," she said. She wore a long black skirt, the waist drawn in tight. Her blouse was white, the buttons of pearl. Beneath the silk of her blouse, her breasts loomed pinkly. A perking of nipples. They indented the material. Like a child late for school I was hustled into the bathroom and out again.
"I have no dress to wear," 1 said. Jenny smacked my hand.
"You are late," she repeated. The smell of sizzling bacon came to us. I was hungry. My mouth watered. The wardrobe doors were opened quickly. A thin wool dress of light brown colour, rust colour, was handed to me. "Nothing beneath except your stockings," Jenny said. She palmed my bottom and my breasts as I raised my nightdress. The sensation was pleasant. The dress cascaded over my shoulders and was worked tightly down over my curves. It was as if I were naked. I was preferred in boots today, Jenny said -black lace-up ones that came to my knees. The heels were high. I feared to fall down the stairs. I told her.
"Nonsense," Jenny said. "Brush your hair quickly. Show me your teeth. Are they clean now?"
I was taken down. Approaching the dining room we walked more slowly. My legs felt longer in the boots, the high heels. My aunt and uncle and Caroline were already seated. Silver tureens stood on the massive sideboard. Caroline looked up at me quickly and then attended to her bacon. We ate in silence as if some doom were pending. Neither my aunt nor uncle spoke, even to one another. It was a penance perhaps. I ate voraciously but delicately. The bloom of health was upon me. The kidneys and mushrooms were delicious. The maids who served were young and pretty. I liked them. They avoided my eyes. They had learned their learning.