She shrugs, her shoulders bare and delicate above a little tank top that makes me itch to pull it off of her. “Depends on how adoring your fans get.”
I bite down on the acidic response that wants to rise. I haven’t touched a girl—haven’t even looked at one—since before that first night that I talked to her. It’s been hell to listen to Scott fucking girls at the loft while I sat with my hard-on and fantasies of her lips around me. But I hadn’t touched them and I hadn’t pushed her for the more I knew she’d willingly give. Because there were too many secrets between us still.
“What are you working on?” I ask abruptly and her eye widen. Shutter. Block me out, and even though I expect it, it still fucking hurts.
She sees it and reaches for me. “Jokes.”
I pull back and shake my head. “This won’t work if we refuse to trust each other,” I say and her eyes flare with hurt and denial. I hate seeing that look in her eyes. But I bite back the apology and step back, toward the stage.
I want her to stop me. To explain. She doesn’t, and with a sigh, I return to Scott. Slip behind my drum set and sprawl on the stool. “I need to get fucked,” I grit out.
His eyes widen, and I know what he’s thinking. That it’s a bad idea, that I’ll hate myself for it later, that I’m self-sabotaging.
But he doesn’t say any of those things. He just nods at me and kicks off the set, and I follow him on the drums.
And I know that a pretty girl who looks nothing like Peyton will fall asleep in my bed tonight, after my best friend and I fuck her for hours.
If I know him at all, he’s already picked her.
Chapter 10 : After
I want to drown myself in you,
consume your soul,
until there is no you. no me.
only us.
(Rike’s poems to Peyton)
The phone is sitting on the table in front of me, and I twitch, smoothing my pants down. Again. I should have set this up for anywhere but here. It occurs to me now, when it’s too late to do anything to fix it.
I let out an unsteady breath and push my hair back. Stare at the phone. He hasn’t called to cancel, so I have to assume he’s coming.
I almost scream when the knock on the door comes, even though I’m expecting it. Waiting on it. It still startles me. I shift and wheel my chair to the door and pull it open.
Rike is standing there, and for just a moment we stare at each other. His eyes are desperate and alive with hunger, raking over me.
When Rike looks at me, it’s not just seeing. He devours me with his gaze, claiming every inch of me, a familiarity that hasn’t made sense. It does now, and I feel the press of his gaze on my bare toes, up over my legs and still healing body, lingering a moment on my breasts, and finally, coming to meet my own gaze. It’s invasive, like a touch, and I want to be bothered by it more than I am. I want to slap him into submission, want to remind him that I’m not his to look at that way. But instead, I flush, and almost purr, blossoming under the scrutiny.
“Come in,” I say, and he takes a step into the room. If I were standing, we’d be pressed against each other. As it is, I’m left craning my head back to stare at something other than his crotch. I scoot my wheelchair back, retreating to the far bed, where I sleep.
He’s quiet while I maneuver from the chair to the bed. “Do you want anything? I’ve got some beer in the fridge.”
Rike’s eyebrows climb and I shrug. “I don’t like it very much, but Tommy brings random shit by.”
His features cloud. “You love beer,” he says.
I blink at him. I haven’t had a beer in years. Since high school. And I hated it.
“Who is Tommy?” he asks.
“A friend. He’s been helping me while I stay here—I’m not incredibly mobile with that thing,” I say. He nods. I could add more—explain more—but frankly I don’t think he deserves it.
“Scott and Lindsay both say you know me. They know me. And neither of them are telling me shit, because you won’t let them.”
“I have my reasons, Peyton. I need you to trust them.”
“I can’t,” I say. “I don’t know you.” He flinches and I point at him. “And see that. Right there. That tells me I should and that you aren’t willing to tell my how or why. You do realize how fucked up this is, don’t you?”
He’s quiet, staring at me.
I want to sketch that look. Because it’s stealing my breath and breaking my heart.
“I’m trying, sweetheart,” he whispers. “I need you to work with me.”
“I want to,” I confess, and his gaze darts to mine. “This is terrifying. Not knowing anything—I want to know. I want to trust that you do and you’re doing this for a reason. But I don’t know you. And I need a reason to trust you. You want me to work with you. But you’re holding all the cards, and I need you to give just a little.”
He exhales heavily and shifts. I tense and he goes still. “Can I hold you? For just a minute?”
“Why?”
“Because I miss holding you. Because seeing you and not being able to touch you is killing me. Because I don’t want to say this.”
I nod and relief brightens his features as he pushes off the wall and comes to sit next to me. Not content, he reclines against the bed, and pulls me down next to him, arranging me to fit against him. One arm props under my head, and the other wraps around my waist, his fingers playing on the skin exposed under my tank top.
I can feel him, pressed against me at all points, his scent washing over me, and his lips on my hair.
And it feels so fucking right. Tears sting my eyes.
“I met you three years ago,” he says. “You were in my bar, and I was playing the drums. And I think I loved you before we ever spoke.”
""We were in love?" I ask.
He laughs, but the noise sounds broken. Almost sick. "Yeah, baby. We were. You were my whole world."
"And Scott and Lindsay?"
"My best friend, and you were rooming with Lindsay when we met. She actually brought you to the bar that first time, and you stayed."
My nose wrinkles and I twitch my shoulders. "Why? I hate bars."
"You liked to write there, while we played. Said it was inspiration."
I roll that over in my mind, playing with it. I don't know what to think of this. Of him. I can't deny that I'm drawn to him, that everything about him sets me at ease, but there is the simple truth: Rike, with his rough hands and too long beard, and tattoos tracing over his arms and neck—Rike isn't the kind of guy I've ever been attracted to.
"Talk to me, Pey," he says softly, his grip on me tightening just a little.
I shrug. "I don't know what to say. This is so—it's a lot, Rike. A lot to swallow and understand."
"I know that."
"Why didn't you tell me when I woke up?"
"Because who you are doesn't hinge on who loves you," he answers.
I twist to look at him, searching his face. "What if I choose that the person I am doesn't love you?"
I feel the flinch move through him, shaking him as he pulls me closer. His grip is so tight now, so desperate that it hurts. But I don't complain. I just burrow closer. Because if I walk away from him, I will not have this again, and I can't deny that the thought of that is enough to make tears swim in my eyes.
"If you need to be someone who isn't with me, I'll let you go, Peyton. I'll fucking hate it. But I've never wanted to keep you caged, and I won't be that guy now. I love you, and I want you in my life. Scott and Lindsay want you in our life. She needs you. But I want you to be happy, with or without us. And I'll watch you walk away, if that is what you need for your happiness."