“It’s not about feeling happy, Lex. It’s about having cause to feel happy.” Clarke put her palm against the girl’s cheek. “And you say I don’t care enough to stop you from killing yourself, but I say I care about you so goddamned much I’d even help you do it, if that was you really wanted.”
Alyx stared at the deck for a long time. When she looked up again her eyes shone.
“But you didn’t die,” she said softly. “You wanted to, but you didn’t, and that’s why you’re alive right now.”
And that’s why a lot of other people aren’t... But Clarke kept the thought to herself.
And now she’s about to repudiate it all. She’s about to hunt down someone who’s chosen to retire, and she’s going to ignore that choice, and inflict her own in its place. She’d like to think that maybe Alyx would find the irony amusing, but she knows better. There’s nothing funny about any of this. It’s all getting way too scary.
She’s foregone the use of a squid this time out; natives tend to shy away from the sound of machinery. For what seems like forever she’s been traversing a plain of bone-gray mud, a bottomless ooze of dead plankton ten million years in the making. Someone has preceded her here; a sudden contrail crosses her path, a fog of tiny bodies still swirling in the wake of some recent turbulence. She follows it. Scattered chunks of pumice and obsidian rise from the substrate like fractured sundials. Their shadows sweep across the bright scrolling footprint of Clarke’s headlamp, stretching and dwindling and merging again with the million-year darkness. Eventually they come to dominate the substrate, no longer isolated protrusions in mud but a fractured tumbledown landscape in their own right.
A jumbled talus of cracked volcanic glass rises in Clarke’s path. She brightens her headlamp: the beam puddles on a sheer rock wall a few meters further on, its surface lacerated with deep vertical fissures.
“Hello? Rama?”
Nothing.
“It’s Lenie.”
A white-eyed shadow slips like an eel between two boulders. “...bright...”
She dials down the light. “Better?”
“Ah...Len...” It’s a mechanical whisper, two syllables spaced seconds apart by the effort it takes to get them out. “Hi...”
“We need your help, Rama.”
Bhanderi buzzes something incomprehensible from his hiding place.
“Rama?”
“Don’t...help?”
“There’s a disease. It’s like ßehemoth, but our tweaks don’t work against it. We need to know what it is, we need someone who knows genetics.”
Nothing moves among the rocks.
“It’s serious. Please. Can you help?”
“...teomics,” Bhanderi clicks
“What? I didn’t hear you.”
“...Proteomics. Only...minored in gen...genetics.”
He’s almost managed a complete sentence. Who better to trust with hundreds of lives?
“...had a dream about you,” Bhanderi sighs. It sounds like someone strumming a metal comb.
“It wasn’t a dream. This isn’t either. We really need your help, Rama. Please.”
“That’s wrong,” he buzzes. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“What doesn’t?” Clarke asks, encouraged by the sudden coherence.
“The corps...ask the corpses.”
“The corpses may have made the bug. Tweaked it, anyway. We can’t trust them.”
“...poor you...”
“Can you just—”
“More histamine,” Bhanderi buzzes absently, lost again. Then: “Bye...”
“No! Rama!”
She brightens her beam in time to see a pair of fins disappear into a crevice a few meters up the cliff. She kicks up after him, plunges into the fissure like a high-diver, arms above her head. The crevice splits the rock high and deep, but not wide; two meters in she has to turn sideways. Her light floods the narrow gash, bright as a topside day; somewhere nearby a vocoder makes distressed ratcheting sounds.
Four meters overhead, Bhanderi scrambles froglike up the gap. It narrows up there—he seems in imminent danger of wedging himself inextricably between the rock faces. Clarke starts after him.
“Too bright!” he buzzes.
Tough, she thinks back at him.
Bhanderi’s a skinny little bastard after two months of chronic wasting. Even if he gets stuck in here, he might get wedged too far back for Clarke to reach him. Maybe his panicked devolving little brain is juggling those variables right now—Bhanderi zig-zags, as if torn between the prospects of open water and protective confinement. Finally he opts for the water, but his indecision has cost him; Clarke has him around the ankle.
He thrashes in a single plane, constrained by faces of stone. “Fucking bitch. Let go!”
“Vocabulary coming back, I see.”
“Let...go!”
She works her way towards the mouth of the crevice, dragging Bhanderi by the leg. He scrabbles against the walls, resisting—then, pulled free of the tightest depths, he twists around and comes at her with his fists. She fends him off. She has to remind herself how easily his bones might break.
Finally he’s subdued, Clarke’s arms hooked around his shoulders, her hands interlocked behind his neck in a full nelson. They’re still inside the mouth of the crevice, barely; Bhanderi’s struggles jam her spine against cracked slabs of basalt.
“Bright,” he clicks.
“Listen, Rama. There’s way too much riding on this for me to let you piss away whatever’s left in that head of yours. Do you understand?”
He squirms.
“I’ll turn off the light if you stop fighting and just listen to me, okay?”
“...I...you...”
She kills the beam. Bhanderi stiffens, then goes limp in her arms.
“Okay. Better. You’ve got to come back, Bhanderi. Just for a little while. We need you.”
“...need... bad zero—”
“Will you just stop that shit? You’re not that far gone, you can’t be. You’ve only been out here for—” It’s been around two months, hasn’t it? More than two, now. Is that enough time for a brain to turn to mush? Is this whole exercise a waste of time?
She starts again. “There’s a lot riding on this. A lot of people could die. You could die. This—disease, or whatever it is, it could get into you as easily as any of us. Maybe it already has. Do you understand?”
“...understand...”
She hopes that’s an answer and not an echo. “It’s not just the sickness, either. Everyone’s looking for someone to blame. It’s only a matter of time before—”
Boom, she remembers. Blew it up. Way too bright.
“Rama,” she says slowly. “If things get out of hand, everything blows up. Do you understand? Boom. Just like at the woodpile. Boom, all the time. Unless you help me. Unless you help us. Understand?”
He hangs against her in the darkness like a boneless cadaver.
“Yeah. Well,” he buzzes at last. “Why didn’t you just say so?”
The struggle has hobbled him. Bhanderi favors his left leg when he swims; he veers to port with each stroke. Clarke hooks her hand under his armpit to share thrust but he startles and flinches from her touch. She settles for swimming at his side, nudging him back on course when necessary.