“Hey,” I said. “You’re not kidding around there.”
She bit her lip, then answered.
“You’re telling me. You can’t imagine how hard they are. They hurt even…”
Without taking her eyes from mine, she moved her dress aside and got out the other one. It was truly impressive, I must admit. I nodded.
“Feel it,” she said. “You’ll see what I mean. Feel it…”
I thought it over for a second, then latched onto it from across the table. It was warm and smooth, with transparent blue veins in it-the type of specimen that’s a pleasure to get your hands on. She closed her eyes. I let go, then stood up to go look at the goldfish.
The whole house smelled like spoiled milk. I didn’t know if this had something to do with the dairy underneath, or if it was because of the little newborn. It was disgusting for guys like me, who don’t go in much for milk products. While she was burping him, the little tyke looked at me, dazed, then spit up on his Oshkosh B’ Goshes. I wanted to roll over and die. Bob showed up and got out a bottle.
“You will note that he only pulls this shit on my afternoons off,” he said. “Oedipus did not only fuck his mother-he also killed his father.”
“Bob, this one needs to go to bed.” Annie sighed.
“Bob, you got something to munch on?” I asked.
“Sure. Go get whatever you want out of the store.”
Annie didn’t take her eyes off me. I gave her a look as cold as a tombstone, then went down. I hate it when they think you’re easy. Stay away from easy shots-you come out better in the end. It’s never bothered me that I have a soul and know how to use it-it’s the only thing, in fact, that’s ever really interested me.
It was getting dark in the store. It took me a while to find the party-mix section. Roasted almonds have always been my vice. They were on the bottom shelf. I squatted down and loaded up. I must have been daydreaming. I didn’t hear her come in-I just felt a light breathing on my cheek. One second later, she grabbed me around the neck. She pushed my face between her legs. I let go of the almonds. I untangled myself in a hurry and stood up.
Annie seemed to be in some sort of delirious trance. She was vibrating from head to foot-bathing me with her burning eyes. Before I could come up with a good line, she popped her tits out of her dress and pressed herself against me.
“Hurry up,” she said. “For God’s sake, hurry up!”
She wedged one of her legs between mine, her thing jammed into my thigh. I moved aside. She was panting like she’d just run the thousand-yard dash. Her chest seemed even bigger in the darkness. She was obscenely white. Her nipples were aimed right at me. I raised my hand.
“Annie…”
But she grabbed my wrist in mid-flight and plastered my hand over her tits. She started rubbing herself on me again. I sent her flying into the shelves.
“I’m sorry…” I said.
I felt a wave of fury come out of her belly, like a torpedo, setting the store on fire. Her eyes glazed over.
“What’s come over you? What seems to be the problem, mister?” she hissed.
I wondered why she got formal all of a sudden. It was so strange, I couldn’t answer.
“What’s wrong with me?” she went on. “I’m not pretty enough? You don’t desire…?”
“I don’t give in to all my desires,” I said. “It makes me feel a little freer, that way.”
She bit her lip, stroking her belly gently with her hand. She let out a little childlike whine.
“I can’t stand it anymore,” she said.
While I was picking up the cans of almonds, she lifted up her dress, her back against the canned goods. Her little white under pants flashed through my skull like a bolt of lightning. My hand started traveling toward her-I told myself it was simply too strong to deny. But then I told myself: Do this and you’re a scumbag, selling your soul out for a cheap fantasy. I took a good look at the scoreboard before deciding. Man is nothing. But it’s his conscience that makes something out of nothing. These thoughts bore me up-they were part of my emergency kit. I gently took her by the arm.
“Forget all this,” I said. “What say we go up and have a nice peaceful drink with the others? Okay…?”
She let her dress down. She lowered her head and buttoned her dress.
“I wasn’t asking very much,” she murmured. “I just wanted to know if I still existed is all…”
“Stop worrying about it,” I said. “Everybody needs to let it out, one way or another.”
I stroked her cheek. But clumsy gestures can be like hot coals.
She looked at me, desperate.
“Bob hasn’t touched me in over a month,” she sobbed. Ever since I came home from the clinic. It’s making me crazy! Don’t you think it’s normal to want it? Do I have to just wait for him to decide…?”
“I don’t know. It’ll all work out.”
She ran her lingers through her hair, sighing.
“Yeah, it’ll all work out. Sure. Probably one of these nights, while I’m sound asleep, he’ll decide. Naturally, it’ll be a night when I’m totally exhausted-dead as a doornail. He’ll come over and slip me his thing from behind. I can see it all now. He won’t even bother to see if I’m awake or not.”
It always seems like a tiny little dent in the beginning, but bend over a little and get a closer look-you find that you’re standing on the edge of a bottomless abyss. That’s why they invented goose pimples, to keep your teeth from chattering.
I put a bag of chips in her arms, and we went upstairs. No one was in the kitchen. She had two drinks, waiting for the others to come. I drank a toast to the goldfish.
In the end, Bob and Annie made us stay for dinner. They insisted. We looked at each other. I said, Betty, it’s up to you, you’re the one who wanted to eat Chinese. Betty said, Let’s stay.
“Now that the kids are asleep we can eat in peace,” Bob said.
I went down into the store to get some groceries with Bob. It was practical. In time of war, much more reassuring than pianos, I thought. There were even little garlic croutons, to consume preferably before the end of the next five years. Ideal for freeze-dried fish soup.
“I’ll buy the wine,” I said.
He rang up my bill and gave me my change. We went back upstairs.
We let the girls make dinner. It made them happy. We gave them a few olives while waiting. In the meantime, Bob dragged me into the bedroom to show me his collection of detective novels. It took up a whole wall. He stood in front of it, his fists on his hips.
“If you read one a day, it would still take you at least five years!” he said.
“You don’t read anything else?” I asked.
“There’s some science fiction on the bottom shelf…”
“You know,” I said, “we’re really pushovers. They toss us a few bones so we won’t try and grab the real meat. I’m not just talking about books-they’ve worked it out so they can say anything they want…”
“Huh…? Anyway, if you want I can loan you a few, but be careful, no kidding. Especially with the hardcovers.”
I glanced at the unmade bed. No one gets out alive. In the end, chances are you’re wasting your time. The problem, though, is that it’s never really completely wasted.
“Starting to smell good in the kitchen,” I said. “Better go have a look…”
“Yeah. But you got to admit, I really floored you there.”
After dinner we sat down to a nice easy game of poker. We each had a glass of wine, and there were enough ashtrays to go around. From where I sat I could see the moon. It didn’t seem like much in itself, but if you’re going to rhapsodize, you might as well go all out. All the greats have. The game did not keep me on pins and needles. When I wasn’t looking at the moon, I looked at the others. The mystery was just as profound. Roots entangling endlessly-the chances of lifting a corner of the veil growing fainter each time a cloud comes to cover the moon. One thing led to another. I slid into a bath of gentle stupidity. Not uncommon these days.