“My father got rid of her, and then he got rid of the tutor, too. They told me at dinner, and when I cried, my mother slapped me so hard she split my lip. She said decent ladies don’t cry, because tears are how wicked women make righteous men doubt their convictions.”
A heartbreaking moment, and the saddest part was that it had to have been one of many, a string of confusion and shame. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”
She rubbed her cheek against his chest with a sigh. “I don’t want to manipulate you. I just don’t want to be alone, and I don’t want to be with anyone else.”
“Shh. Right now, it’s time to sleep it off.” He eased his bedroom door open with his foot.
Noelle huffed. “I wish you were drunk. Then you’d tell me things about you.”
Oh, if only she realized. “I am a little drunk.” He eased her onto his bed and tumbled after her. “What do you want to know?”
She seemed to consider the question with adorable gravity as she wiggled into a comfortable position with her cheek resting on his arm and her hand over his heart. “Where are you from?” she asked finally. “Eden, or the sectors?”
“Neither. I grew up on a farm east of here.”
“In the communes?”
Nothing so sterile or acceptable. “A private operation. We grew corn for the distilleries, along with some other things.”
“Oh, one of the illegal farms,” she murmured sleepily. “We’re not supposed to know about those. In Eden they tell us that nothing can live outside the communes, that the land can’t support people. But I heard my father arguing with a partner once about whether or not to send the military police to shut one down. I think some of the councilmen pay to support private farms so they won’t have to worry about rationing during the lean harvest years.”
If they did, they relied on outfits more reputable than the one Jasper had worked. “My parents dropped me off when I was ten,” he told her. “An apprenticeship, they all called it, but the only thing I learned was how to survive. I guess that’s a trade all by itself these days, though.”
Noelle lifted up onto her elbow and peered down at him. “They left you when you were ten?”
He couldn’t meet her gaze. “Had to get to work.”
She laid her palm over his cheek, her skin soft and warm above his beard. “That must have been so hard. And terrifying.”
The farm had housed kids even younger, children who couldn’t handle the backbreaking work. “I’d still be there if Robbins—the man who ran the place—hadn’t traded me to Dallas to settle a debt.”
“How old were you then?”
“Twenty-two.” And Dallas had been in the beginning stages of building an empire.
The curling ends of Noelle’s hair tickled his throat as she kissed his temple. “I’m glad he took you. You’re worth more than any debt.”
“That’s what he thought, I guess. He still made me work it off, though—one year.” After that, he’d been free to go, but where? Sector Four was as good a place as any, even before he’d proven himself loyal to the O’Kanes.
She settled close to his side but kept her fingers pressed to his cheek, absently stroking his beard. “You’re all so strong. You’ve been through terrible things and you still live. I don’t think I ever realized how numb I was until they threw me away. Like I was a shadow of a person.”
She felt good cuddled against him, so good it dulled the razor’s edge of the lust. “Sometimes…you have to hit bottom before you can figure out where to go.”
“I’ve been slipping for a while. Ever since—” She broke off, tensing. When she continued, her words were lower. More intense. “My father had started negotiations for me to marry. After that, nothing mattered. I didn’t care if I was ruined. I thought my father would cover it up to save face but all of the important men would know, and no one would have me after that.”
“There are worse things than being alone on your own terms.” Though maybe not in the city.
“I thought so, too. I knew my father would restrict me to the house for a few years to keep me from harming the family’s reputation, but I didn’t mind that. I’d have had access to a desk and the city’s library. But then something else happened.”
Jasper’s stomach clenched. “What?”
As if she felt his tension, she made a soothing noise and stroked his chest. “Somewhere between deciding to let that boy touch me and getting arrested for fornication, I woke up. Even if my father had kept me in the city, I wouldn’t have been happy locked up alone with my books anymore. I know I’m all tangled up inside, and I know it bothers you…but I’m sure about one thing. I’m not made to be untouched and alone.”
Nobody was, least of all a woman as filled with life and curiosity and desire as Noelle. “I know what you mean.” He kissed the top of her head. “Sleep. You’re gonna feel like shit in the morning.”
“Don’t care.” With a sigh of satisfaction, she squirmed closer. “At least I’ll feel.”
He waited until her breathing began to slow to whisper, “Me too.”
Chapter Twelve
Noelle woke up dying.
Her skull pounded. Her mouth tasted like she’d swallowed cotton, and the roiling in her stomach reminded her she’d swallowed something far, far worse. Even shifting to her side made the room tilt and the churning increase until she whimpered.
“Don’t move. It makes it worse.”
“Lex?” The pillow smelled like Jasper, and the bed didn’t feel like the pull-out couch. It couldn’t be Lex’s bed, either—the sheets weren’t nice enough. “Where am I?”
“Jasper’s place. He had to go.” Lex rattled a small bottle. “Head hurt?”
“Not so loud, please.” Noelle pressed her palm to her temple and tried to keep her head from throbbing so hard it split open. “I don’t think I can eat or drink anything right now.”
Lex touched her cheek. “You’ve got to. Water and aspirin, honey, that’s all that’s going to fix this.”
Groaning, Noelle eased carefully onto her back and squinted up at Lex. “Where did Jasper go?”
“Business. Well, trouble,” she amended. “Something’s going down tonight. Got to prepare.”
Noelle choked down the aspirin with as small a sip of water as she could manage and studied Lex’s face. There was no hint of subterfuge, no sign that Jasper had dumped Noelle on Lex to get away from her.
That would be more comfort if Noelle’s memories of the previous evening were clearer—or less embarrassing. “I think I was very drunk.”
Lex grinned. “Does that mean you don’t remember making out with me? I’m crushed.”
It surfaced in a rush, a vivid memory of Lex’s tongue swiping through her mouth before Noelle ended up sprawled on the table. She groaned again and covered her eyes with one hand. “I remember. I guess it’s a good thing Jasper drank half my shots.”
“Relax. As far as those parties go, it was damn tame.” Lex stretched out beside her. “Bren said he got you back to my room, but I figured you must have dragged your drunk ass down here to have it out with Jasper.”
She remembered that, too, far more clearly than she wanted to. “I changed my mind. Maybe I wasn’t drunk enough.”
Lex laughed. “Being passed out cold has its upsides.”
“It probably keeps you in bed where you belong.” Noelle eased onto her side and smiled at Lex. “I think it ended up all right, though. We talked.”
“Good. He seemed square this morning, anyway.”
That gave her hope. Between the humiliation of begging for something Jasper wasn’t ready to give and the mortification of breaking down into tears, the evening should have been a disaster. But the moments she recalled most vividly were those spent cuddled against his side.