“Used to go to the Country Club, in Reseda. It's not a country place, it's rock-”
“I know where it is.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“What about this side of the hill?” she said.
“Don't know,” he said. “Don't go out much.” The admission embarrassed him, and he looked at his watch.
“Need to get back?” she said.
“No, they're asleep by now. I called them before I left. My mom's staying over. I just want to phone, make sure everything's okay-”
“Call from my place,” she said. “It's not far from here.”
Thinking: He'd told his mother he'd be late. Big plans or blind optimism?
For some reason, she didn't care.
While he talked to his mother, she fixed her makeup. Thankfully, the apartment was in decent shape. She'd barely lived in it since the case broke. She invited him to take off his jacket and hung it up. Standing in the kitchen, they each had a glass of red wine. He complimented her decor. At his insistence, she showed him her art. Not the works in progress, her old portfolio, color blowups of pictures she'd sold through the co-op gallery.
He was impressed; didn't try to touch her.
They moved to the living room and went through her small CD collection, trying to find something they both owned, coming up only with Eric Clapton's Derek and the Dominos.
Sitting two feet apart on Petra's couch, they listened to half the album, then his hand shifted six inches closer to hers and remained there. She covered her half of the distance and their fingers touched, then entwined.
Sweaty hands, but neither of them dared wipe. She found herself gripping his knuckles too hard and reduced the pressure.
He breathed faster but didn't move.
During “Bell Bottom Blues” he tilted his head toward her and they kissed.
Closed-mouthed, mutual garlic, for what seemed like a long time, then a wide, open exploration full of clicking teeth and swirling tongues, hands on back of neck, soft lips- he had very soft lips; she was glad the mustache was gone. When they broke, they were both robbed of air.
He was ready for more, but the hunger in his eyes shook Petra and she pulled away. They listened to the rest of the song sitting still, holding hands again. She was wet, her nipples ached, her body demanded loving, but she didn't want it, not with him, not now. One more song and she got up to use the bathroom. When she returned he was standing, jacket on.
She sat down again, an invitation, but he remained on his feet, in front of her, reaching down to touch her hair, her cheek, her chin. She looked up, saw his bottom teeth pinching his upper lip.
She was trembling now, and had he tried again, who knew what would have happened.
He just stood there.
She got up, put her arm in his, and walked him to the door.
He said, “I'd really like to see you again.”
More confidence in his voice, but still unsure.
“I'd like that, too.”
A half hour later, alone in her bed, naked, having touched herself and bathed, someone's late-night TV squeaking through the darkness, she thought of everything she needed to do in the morning.
37
The sun comes up behind me, orange. Brighter than in the park, no trees to cover it. The ocean is roaring, gray. The black plastic's too thin; I'm cold.
No one's out on the beach yet, so I just lie there watching the sun and the few cars up on the coast highway going back and forth. The thick poles that hold up the pier are black with tar and crusted with barnacles. I see one that's open, reach over and poke it, and it closes.
The Jacques Cousteau book had a chapter about barnacles. They stay where they are, eat whatever floats by. They make their own glue and it's as good as Krazy Glue. Sometimes they're impossible to move.
Okay, now it's warming up a little; I better move. I get up and shake the sand out of my hair, fold the plastic and tuck it behind one of the poles, using a rock to weigh it down.
Time to get some new stuff. Food, money. A hat. I remember that sunburn. Maybe some sunscreen, too.
Where should I go? Should I leave L.A.? Not up north, 'cause that's closer to Watson. Down south, like to San Diego? But what if that doesn't work out? The next stop would be Mexico and there's no way I'm going to any foreign country.
If I stay in L.A., where will I hide?
I think about it for a long time and get really scared. Same feeling like when I watched PLYR- I need to stop thinking about that…
It's stupid to even be thinking of a plan. I have no future. Even if I survive for a few months a year, two years, so what? I'd still be a kid, no schooling, no money, no control over anything.
Still no one out on the beach. It looks so tan and peaceful. The ocean, too, gray as steel except where the tide comes rolling in, throwing up spray, like spitting at the sky.
Spitting at God…
Wouldn't it be nice to just walk into the water, let yourself be carried away? Maybe you'd drown. Or maybe there'd be a miracle and you'd wash up like one of those bottles with a message in it on some island with palm trees. Girls wearing just grass skirts, long black hair down to their butts, and you'd come out of the ocean like some god and they'd be all thrilled to see you, fight with each other to be your girlfriend, take care of you, feed you some barbecued pig with an apple in its mouth and fruit that they just pick from the trees, no one has to work.
Either way, no worries.
I get up, walk across the beach to the tide line, roll my pants up and stand there, let the waves trickle over my toes.
Cold. My feet get numb and they look like white wax.
How long would it take before you stopped feeling cold? Before your body stopped feeling anything?
I read in a nature book that gazelles and wildebeest chased by lions stop feeling pain, so their death becomes easier.
That didn't happen to me with the pervs, so maybe it's just animals.
Or maybe I just didn't get… close enough.
If you didn't feel or worry, you could just give yourself up like some sacrifice- like Jesus did.
I must have walked, because now I'm in the water up to my knees and my pants are getting wet and kind of ballooning and swirling around. Not so cold anymore. It feels clean. I keep going. The water's sloshing against my belt and I stand there and look across the ocean; maybe I'll see a boat or a whale spouting.
A few birds are out there, flying around, diving. I take another step. Just one, but it makes a big difference, the ground drops out from under me and all of a sudden I'm up to my neck, trying to step back, but I can't get a hold on to anything and now I feel the water moving under me and I'm in over my head, swallowing water, choking- up again, I can see the top of the water, the beach is getting smaller. I start to swim, but it doesn't help. Something's pushing me forward, I have no control, start kicking, waving my arms around, knowing this is stupid, you have to stay calm stay calm, but I'm being pushed out, forced, I don't want this! I'm tiny, weaker than a barnacle, because I have no glue. Why am I thinking about Mom now, how bad she'll feel, so cold, my eyes burn, my throat burns, my eyes got to keep them open but ohnocan'tkeepmyheadabov
Up in the air again, coughing spitting, eyes burning, throat hurts like a knife scraping it and I'm still being carried out by the- no, the beach is getting closer-
The ocean tosses me up, the sand gets even closer. Releasing me, like Jonah? No, no, here I go under again, swallowing so much water I think I'll explode, then up, coughing, vomiting, rocks in the water, hitting me, stinging.
The ocean playing with me. Which way will it throw me now?
Stones scraping the bottom of my body. The ground. Sand.
Back on shore.
Sand sticks to my soaked clothes. Salt in the scratches makes them burn. I roll away from the water.