As an outsider, I was considered unclean. I couldn’t argue the point. I also couldn’t talk my way out of the treatments. There could be no interacting with other guests until I’d jumped through their hoops.
Making conversation as I followed the pretty woman down a hallway, I said, “I noticed all the rooms in this building are named for flowers. Orchids, I guess.”
“That’s right.”
“Is that confusing for newcomers?”
“Everything’s confusing for Novitiates. That’s why we number the guest rooms. Keep it one-two-three simple for you people.”
“Us people, huh? Like we’re kinda dumb. I don’t blame you. I bet you get some weirdos in here occasionally.”
“Occasionally.”
“Anyone ever ask what F-M-T stands for?”
The woman’s reaction was unexpected, but it revealed how fast news traveled. “You already asked Fabron that question. You didn’t believe the man? Or are you testing me?”
I said, “Oh… F as in female. Like in female massage therapist. I get it.” Fabron would’ve also confirmed I wasn’t very bright.
He had told the woman more than that.
Norma opened a door to a room that smelled of eucalyptus, steam, and body lotion. There was a massage table, wall speakers mounted flush, and a stainless table stacked with sheets and towels. “Get yourself undressed, Mr. North. You’re about to learn there’s a lot more to massage therapy than a back rub. We’re professionals. Health care-trained, like doctors.”
Her condescending manner was consistent with the rest of the staff, but it was still irritating. What were Norma’s limits?
“Like physicians, you mean?”
“That’s right.”
“No kidding? I’m surprised.”
“Novitiates usually are.”
I said, “It’s not because of that. It’s because I read an article-some medical journal, maybe. You can get a massage certificate in two weeks, some places. Or you can get a certificate over the Internet, watching videos. Even where it’s regulated, it only takes a little more than a month.”
The woman knew it was true. I smiled at her reaction before adding, “How’d you like a doctor with a month of medical school try to take out your appendix?”
She was arranging towels to show my opinion didn’t warrant attention. “If you got something against massage, mister, why come to a place like this?”
“Because I like back rubs.”
Norma’s eyes became slits-two dark creatures peering out. Like Fabron, she had boundaries that were seldom tested.
“You’ve got a hostile streak in you, Mr. North. A sure sign of poison in your system. Lots of built-up toxins and free radicals.”
I said, “That sounds unhealthy. I’ve never been a fan of radicals, particularly when they’re free.”
“You’re one for jokes, but I know what I’m saying. Herbal tonics are the best way to flush those toxins, so why not have yourself a drink before I start?”
There was a carafe of tea-colored liquid on the counter, iced, and garnished with a sprig of blue flowers. Looked like the same flowers I’d seen the previous night. Montbard had said the flowers were rare.
I said, “No thanks, bottled water’s fine. I prefer to flush my toxins in private,” pushing the boundaries, but what the hell.
The woman’s frown communicated irritation, but also suspicion. “It makes no sense. You’ve no respect for what we do-massage purifying the body-so why pay all that money to stay here?”
I shrugged, opening a bottle of water.
“You’re not wondering why I’m even bothering to care? I see a lot of clients in this room. Asking why they’re wasting their money isn’t something I usually do.”
“I already told you, Norma-I enjoy back rubs.”
Still frowning, the woman gestured toward the table. “Slip out of those clothes and lie on your stomach. I’ve got another appointment soon.”
My list of enemies at the Orchid was growing.
Norma was wrong. I don’t have a problem with massage. I have a problem with members of the massage industry who promote pseudo-science and quackery-for-profit.
Some “therapists” make claims so outlandish they would be funny-if they weren’t dangerous. They claim to massage away lymphatic toxins, alter body polarity, restore positive energy, correct meridian imbalances, heal through therapeutic touch, treat disease with reflexology, calm hyperactive pets and children via manipulation or aromatherapy. It is quackery without anatomic or scientific foundation, yet it goes unchallenged even in states that claim to regulate the business. What many dismiss as goofy, new-age fun is actually an intentional con.
There are good universities where students work their butts off studying the science of sports medicine, a respected field that includes therapeutic massage. The fact that these professionals are confused with “massage therapists” is unfair to the discipline and dangerous to the public. The frauds, of course, love it.
I’d told Norma I’d read an article about massage. Truth was, I’d read a lot on the subject because of something unfortunate that happened to a female friend. The reading included a book on “voodoo science” by Dr. Robert L. Parker, professor of physics, University of Maryland. Dr. Parker had isolated seven red flags that signal bogus science. Many of those red flags were obvious in the Orchid’s spa literature. I’d thumbed through the stuff in the waiting room.
The spa offered standard massage fare, along with typically murky claims for shiatsu healing, hot-stone chakra balancing, and the “reintegration” of soul and body.
There were also flags of much brighter red.
Aromatherapy: Essential oils balance the patient’s biological background while neutralizing toxins such as free radicals and other causes of disease…
Lymphatic Massage: Acu-probe safely applied by experts. Causes lymph to flow, and improves detoxifying function of the kidneys…
Colon Hydrotherapy: Detoxifying external and internal massage. Warm herbal water is used to gently flush the colon of intestinal stasis…
Body/Mind Integration: Patients share innermost thoughts with their therapist during massage, particularly toxic feelings of anxiety, guilt, and negative past-life experiences…
Sexual Energy Massage: Using an ancient technique, ching chi is released from the genitals through digital manipulation that re-channels libido and eliminates toxins created by undirected sexual energy…
Rechanneling libido was one of the Orchid’s few legitimate claims. But rechanneling libido isn’t uncommon in the trade-a nasty little secret the massage industry tries to conceal.
A lady friend of mine who adored massages told me about an experience at a ski resort. An expensive hotel with a spa that had a sterling reputation-according to the spa’s literature.
My friend scheduled a massage in her room. She requested a male therapist. “Their hands are stronger,” she told me. “I’ve used the same guy in Lauderdale for years. He’s great.”
It is true there are good, reputable massage technicians. It’s true there are fun, reputable spas that monitor the behavior of their staff. Not all promote quackery. But my friend wasn’t in Lauderdale, and the man who came into her room carrying towels and a folding table was a stranger.
After half an hour on the table, the hotel’s “therapist” started using a technique new to her, concentrating on her inner thighs. The man’s intent was obvious, but only in hindsight-gradual sexual persuasion. My friend didn’t participate, but she didn’t protest. By the end of the hour, she was no longer fully draped, and the man’s hands had moved to what the industry refers to as “inappropriate regions of the body.”
That’s when my friend’s husband walked in. No reason he shouldn’t. The massage had gone over the allotted time. He was paying for the room-and the massage. It was only a few seconds before they realized the husband was watching, but it was time enough for him to see what the therapist was doing, and to misinterpret his wife’s role.
For years, the husband had believed his wife. Massage was therapy. But what he saw transformed years of trust into suspicion. Accusations, denials, and arguments led to counseling.