"I told," I say, "nobody."
"Why are you keeping secrets from me!?" He yells.
I break.
"Because that isn't my life anymore. Stop mentioning it." I holler back.
"ANA," he shouts, "Tell me!"
"No." I yell abruptly.
"You need to let me in! I need to know!" He sounds like a little kid begging for candy at the grocery store. His chagrin is almost laughable.
"No. You don’t. You want to know." I bark at him.
"Don't make this harder than it has to be!" His temper grows which in turn causes mine to explode.
I turn to him. Anger is filling my bones. I feel it move through my body like a restless flame. It builds from my stomach and makes its way across to my arms. I can feel the fire in my palm. I let it control it and my hand flies forward and matches his cheek.
"Get out of my life." I demand.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE EYE OF THE STORM
I walk through his hallway completely broken again. Why do I keep doing this. I am the one that walks out. I always ruin it. What is wrong with me. Every bone in my body wants me to go back but the fire knows that I will cause more damage if I return.
I can figure this out for my child. I can do on my own. I am completely cutting every even slight reminder of Kane out of my life. If that includes Noah, then with pain, I will abandon him too. I can't hide the mirror in my head. It reflects a girl I don't recognize. She rejects love and gives in to weakness.
Listen to me.
No.
LISTEN
NO.
I can't ignore them. I have no distraction. My legs feel weak under me. I walk to the elevator. I hold my stomach delicately. I want to just kill myself. I can't do this anymore. I am only here for the little one growing in my tainted womb. I love them more than the sun can love the moon for take half of it's weight. Please tell me this gets easier.
I pray that my child won't get the shitty life that I have been given. Life has given me shards of glass when I asked for sand. I can't handle it anymore. I want to switch off my brain and feel my mind as a blank slate. I get into the elevator. I feel the hurricane grow around me. I stand in the center watching my life fall apart. I take one noble step and let the storm sweep me up. I am taken in its chaos and embrace the predetermined hell I am in.
I hold my breath as the elevator drops to the ground level. I hold the metal railing with white knuckles. It is my only support.
Go back.
I let go off the bar in the elevator and walk out. I walk out and through the lobby. My heart murmurs. My ears ring. I need to get out of here. I run out of the door and straight into the nearest taxi.
"1st and Washington"
My mouth shudders when I say this but I need this. I need it. I want it. I have avoided this but I know is the best place for me to go right now.
The cab sways and my stomach starts to ache. I can't feel any of my nerves other than the damaged ones. My body has always betrayed me. I know it will continue to so I let it happen. I breathe with the beat of the Earth. My life wire has snapped and all that remains is my broken conscious. There is nothing feasible in me any longer.
The cab stops and I immediately step out. I stand across the step. His porch light is still on. One step in front of the other. I feel my brain moving my feet and overriding my heart. I grab the railing and it leads me up his stairs. I can feel my steps. One. One. One.
I take a deep breath.
Good.
I put my hand on the doorknob. The cold metal sends a shiver through my body. My fingers grip it and I attempt to turn it. It doesn't move. It is locked. I walk down the steps and around the house. A large cedar tree lies between his house and his neighbors. A bird feeder rest tranquility on the lowest branch. The wood is carved into a boat with perches the shape of oars. Long rows are carved over the basin of seeds. Underneath the body of the feeder lies a trap door. It opens with a simple turn of a hook. I take hold of the boat and turn the bottom hook. The door falls but is caught by its hinge. The seeds, however, have no savior. They plummet towards the Earth. They fall in a straight stream. The grass absorbs their impact and they bounce in assorted direction across his land.
I put three fingers into the trap door and feel around. Then the metal hits my ring finger. I immediately grab for it and pull it out. The key pulls out of the boat with ease. When I have reached the object of my desire, I close the trap door and lock it again. Only few seeds remain in the feeder. I would be upset but it was gravity's choice, not mine.
I walk away carefully away. I can feed the seeds cracking against my shoes as I walk through the grass. I make my way back to his door and insert the key. It is covered in natural dust from the seeds and leaves a white powder on my hands. I turn the key and the door opens for me. I open it and it creaks. My feet are relieved as I feel his soft rug.
Almost there.
I follow the voices. I ignored them but now I know where I need to go and they are exactly correct. I walk to his staircase. The smell of the oak wood is a pleasant memory for me. I follow it up. I continue on. I remember coming to his house late at night. I would come feel his love. I was so wrong. He did love me. And I love him. I feel the voices take over my entire body and I let them. Anything they say is no longer a suggestion, it is acted on without my brains permission. But my meager mind has given up and hope, therefore gives up its control. It is a sad exchange but a needed deal. This is the only way it should go. The only way I should go.
My hand drags on his railing. The rough wood is only a few years away from giving me splinters. I invite it to try to reach me for that long. As long as I control it, a few years won't be in my near future. I walk through to the top of the landing and immediately turn into his room. The door opens as it always has for me. I look around the room. He isn't asleep on his bed. He is gone. I pray he comes back. Maybe he will find me here.
I walk over to the wall and place my shaking hands on it. I run my fingers along the edges of the wallpaper. I must make the most of my senses while I still have them. I smell the room. His aroma lingers in the thick musky air. I urge it closer to me. My hand moves to my stomach and I rub it.
"This is your father's house."
I walk to his bed, massaging my little joy. I sit down on it and fill my body sink into the mattress. This feeling is so familiar. My memories that have negative tints completely fade when I close my eyes and breathe in his life. It is the most surreal feeling. True ecstasy.
I open my eyes and analyze his room one more time. My eyes connect with his window curtain. I get off of the bed and walk the few steps to it. On the curtain rod lies a rope. A simple decor to accent the bland curtains. I reach up and grab the end of the rope. I pull it down and it hits the floor. I gather it and get back on the bed.
Start with a lope.
I begin to sing.
"Hush little baby, don't you cry,"
Tie it around twice.
"Momma's gonna sing you,"
Pull it through.
"A lullaby."
I stand and pull the rope around the ceiling fan. I tie it securely. On the edge of the bed, I stand. One jump. I put my hand on my stomach. Tears fill my eyes. My father's words echo in my ears. "It runs in the family.” Visions of my mother's shredded wrists clog my brain. I'm so sorry, my child.
I'm so sorry.
I get on my tip toes and prepare to jump.
I'm so sorry.