My ears ring.
I can't do it.
You need to do it.
I know.
Then why not?
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: THE WIND
I feel myself begin to fall. I hear a loud bang over the ringing in my ears.
"ANA!"
My fall accelerates and I expect to feel the emptiness that awaits me. I prepare to let it take me. But I feel warmth. I feel skin. Somebody is pushing me into the upright position.
I feel my feet hit the bed again and the noose being slipped off of my neck. There are spots in my eyes so I can't see clearly. The person is crying. I can feel their sobs against my chest when they pick me up and take me off of the bed.
My vision begins to clear when they place me gently on the floor. I look up. Tears fill my eyes as I see Noah. He came to save me.
"I couldn't do it," I cry out to him.
"I know," he shushes me.
He knees down and rubs his hand across my sweaty hair. He attempts to console me even though I know that he is one that needs to be consulted.
"I'm so sorry." I grow more upset. I almost killed his child. I almost killed my child. What the fuck is wrong with me?
He shushes me more. He puts his arms over me and pulls my body towards him.
"It's ok," he says gently, “just breathe."
I nod my head through the tears. He hugs me tighter. My hand reaches to his shirt and grabs a handful of the fabric. I breathe in his scent. Every part of him is calming my congested brain. I can feel his warmth and his vivacity. I want it. I need it. The sobs get more intense.
"I love you," I cry into his white shirt. I really mean it. I love him. I love his sure smile. I love the way his hair reflects in the sunlight. I love the softness of his fingertips. I love his respectful attitude. I love his love for life. I love his dedication for others. I love him.
"I love you too," he says.
These words bring a warmth to my heart that hadn't existed after our argument.
"How did you know where I was?" My voice trembles. Noah pulls out of the hug and gestures to the doorway. Tabitha stands in the door frame. Tears stream down her face. He waves at me lightly. She smiles through the pain and wipes her tears. She doesn't want to show me that she is upset. Then it hits me. Noah is in Kane's house. Does he know? Did Tabitha tell him?
"Do you know about him?" I ask. I intend to make the question ambiguous. If he understands my context, he will answer. If he has no context, he will ask what I mean.
He slowly nods his head.
"Yeah, I do." He looks around the room and sighs deeply. I wonder how much Tabitha knows and how much she told him.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," I cry, "I didn't want to be reminded and have to think about him whenever I talked-"
I am cut off my Noah pressing his finger to my lips.
"It's ok," he coos, "I know."
His understanding hurts me. I wanted it. I know I wanted it but now that I have it, I don't know how to handle it. He doesn't pity me. He simply wants to help me and that's what hurts the most. Why can't I handle love.
"You are free from him, Ana," Noah assures me.
Free. From Kane. I am free from Kane. Sitting on the floor of his bedroom with a noose of my making wrapped around his ceiling doesn't feel like freedom.
"We will have a future," he tells me, "we can get away from Boston."
This hits me hard. I want this.
No. You don't.
Yes I do.
All of my thoughts start to vanish. I feel blank. I feel broken.
"Where will we go?" I ask.
I see Tabitha walk down the stairs with a cell phone against her ear. They are going to take me to a mental hospital.
NO.
I can't control it.
You were going to be ok if you just listened to us.
I know.
"We can have a little house in Pennsylvania," he says. He has tears still running down his face but a smile developes and the tears slowly fall into his mouth. He looks at me with such hope. He has little to no care about the world around me. The world flowed between us but it stops at my heart and throws the gravity back at him.
A smile refuses to make its way onto my face. I feel conflicted. I wanted to die but I am happy that I was saved. Am I?
He leans down and presses his lips to mine. I feel it bubble in my stomach. I love him. But I don't want to. God, help me. My lips respond to the kiss but my body isn't sure. I wish I could cut myself into three. My heart, my mind and my body all separate. My heart with Kane, my mind with Noah and my body by itself. My body would float, blissful and free. No brain to weight down its weary neck. No heart to pump poison through its closed veins. Nothing but loose joints, shallow breaths and sun beaming on its pale skin.
Maybe if I killed my heart and mind, then my body would be free.
I hear a commotion outside. People are talking loudly. I get more nervous. They are coming to get me.
They think you are insane.
You are.
I know.
"I don't want to go to a hospital," I say to Noah. He looks at me with sympathy.
"You have to go," he says. I can tell he doesn't want to force me to go. For some reason, he is compelled to. “I don't want this. They will tell me things I don't want to hear."
"They will help you, Ana," he says. He puts his hand on my stomach and rubs it softly.
"Don't you want to get better for our baby?" He says.
I want to get better for my baby. But I know this is not the way to get better. I can't go. I squeeze my eyes shut. I don't want to go.
When I open my eyes again, I see my grandmother in the corner of the room. She looks at me with a worried look.
"Never go to mental hospital," she warns me. She holds her cane in her right hand. When she talks, she points it at me. She uses it to intimidate me.
"I went when I was 20. Your grandfather sent me. I tried to stop the voices with a steak knife and he called the cops on me. They took me to a giant building and locked me in."
She walks closer to me and I listen to her, completely attentive to every word she says.
"The doctor told me it just because I was a woman. They put me in a room and told me to just go through my menstrual cycle and it would be gone."
I am scared. I don't want them to keep me until I have my baby. They will take them away from me.
"They kept me in that room for a week. They finally switched me to another room and I was sent back into another psychological evaluation. This time they told me I was insane and needed to get electrotherapy."
I feel the fright heighten.
"They put a kitchen strainer on my head and zap me with a lightning bolt. I was never the same again."
She looks at me with a stern look.
"Never go to a mental hospital."
"Ok, Grandma," I say, "I won't go."
"Who are you talking to?" Noah asks me. He looks overly worried.
"My grandmother." I point to her.
She smiles at him and waves.
"Ana," he says, "nobody is there."
I look at him confused.
"She is right there," I gesture yet again to her.
I get off of the floor and stand up. My feet are completely unsteady. I wobble with my first step. I walk to my grandmother and attempt to touch her shoulder. When I do, air hits my hand when I look to Noah. When I look back at her, she isn't there.
I look at Noah scared.
"You need to go with them," he says.
"No!" I say. My grandmother cared about me. She wouldn't tell me any advice that wasn't sound and true.
I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. I walk backward. They aren't taking me. The door opens and two men walk in. They wear white shirts and blue pants. The patch of Aries is placed on their shoulders.