"Ready for your appointment?" Nurse Juay asks me.
"Yes," I sigh, "finally."
CHAPTER TWENTY: THE TSUNAMI
"So he lectured you on the voices?" Brook asks me as we walk down the hallway, on our way to the visitors section. I knew I would get lost if I didn't go with someone who actually their way around.
"Yeah, he says I can control them without medications." I say exhausted. Although it was only my second session, it was twice as fatiguing as the first. During the initial one, he told me I was schizophrenic. During the second he drilled the fact into my bones and forced me to actually address the voices. Have you ever gone up to your boss and told them to their face all of the wrongdoings they have done to you? If you have, you understand the mental distress it causes. Apparently I am 'strong' enough to 'get passed this.'
"I'm just telling you from experience, medications definitely help." He says, shaking his head. He chuckles lightly and looks back at me.
For the second time, I am caught in his glance. His vibrant green eyes kill me. His dumb smile, though annoying initially is completely entrancing. Goddamnit, why do I keep falling for so many people? I don't even know if I have fallen for him. I am just going to blame my hormones. This baby is doing weird things to me. But then again… Noah is out of my life, Kane is out of my life. The father spot is open wide for Brook to fill in. What am I even thinking? No. This is ridiculous. I can't do this to my head again. Why am I so addicted to effects of feelings. Maybe it is just my way of living in a romance book rather than reality. Only good things happening. Sexy sex and dastardly attractive heros to save the heroine. Ugh.
"My mom is over there," Brook says, breaking our eye contact, "I'll talk to you later, ok?"
"Yeah," I say. I still have no idea who came to see me. Nurse Juay simply said that somebody came to visit me and somehow to knew the hours without me calling them. I hope it is Tabitha. She is the only person from outside that I am ok with seeing me in this mental state. I stand in the middle of the room like a deer in the headlights. I see people from all walks of life standing with their families and friends. A line of security guards and nurses stand in the doorway. They occasionally open the door for a visitor. I turn away from the door. I don't want to be seen by anybody else's family. For some reason it makes me self-conscious.
Ana?
I can't listen to the voices. They can't take over this moment.
Ana, it's me.
Wait.
"Ana?"
I turn around. I see him and my whole body irks. I feel like vomiting and rejoicing at the same time. My whole conscious is tied into knots. I am elated yet scared. I don't know how to react yet I know exactly what to say.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I exclaim. The bellow is a strange mixture of hate and love.
"I wanted to see you," Kane says. I am not surprised that he is in a mental hospital but I always thought it would be him as the patient and not me.
"How did you know?" I am flabbergasted.
"I saw the mess in my house… I called the police and they said they saved a suicidal girl. I asked who and they told me. They also told me where you were so I looked up the visiting hours."
"Um, are you ok?" He asks with such smoothness and love. The doctor says I am bipolar but I'd love to send him in for an evaluation. I think he would get similar results.
"I mean, I guess," I say.
"Why did you leave?" He questions. He sounds hurt.
"Kane, I can't be with you," I say, avoiding his long, fixed stare.
"Why?" His voice is soft, sincere and debilitating. Seven years of memories always crush my soul when I see him. Goddamnit.
You can be with him.
I swallow through my dry throat and look at him. I have to say this into his deep, brown eyes for me to convince him— and myself.
"Kane, you have done too much to me. You can't kidnap me, rape me, abuse me and still have my love."
His face is bereaved. I want to tell him how much he has flowed through my brain but I know if I do that I will again feel the effects of emotions. I can only handle so much in one day. He reaches out and touches my arm. His rough fingertips slide down my bare forearm. A shiver rises up my spine and I exhale heavily. His touch is too much for me. He looks at me with pure dejection in his eyes. He leans his head forward.
Do it.
I close my eyes and lean in. This is the last time I swear. His lips press against mine and my entire body is refreshed. I can feel the lingering bitterness wash away. I lose track of any anger and I fall back under his spell.
"Ana?" I hear another voice blare through the room.
It snaps me out of my faux bliss. I open my eyes and pull out of the kiss briskly.
"Noah?"
He stands stiff, shock written all over his face. In his shaking grip is a bouquet of baby's breath; my favorite.
"Is this Kane?" He is hurt and he has every reason to be.
"I-uh." I stumble trying to explain my wrong doing. If it is a wrongdoing. I honestly don't even know anymore.
"Who is this?" Kane demands.
"He's-um," The word vomit returns.
"Alright," Noah dolefully replies, "Message received."
He turns around, and starts to walk out. He stalls for a second. He looks at the trash can in front of exit for a moment before chucking the beautiful flowers into it. He sighs so deeply that it can heard throughout the visitor's center. As the nurse opens the door for him, he mutters a thank you. Something tells me that this is the last time I am going to see him. I hope not. My heart is in more knots than it was before. Kane stands before me and Noah has disappeared from me. This is the exact opposite of what I intended to happen when I left my neighborhood.
"Who was that?" Kane's anger is growing.
"He's nobody," I assure him. I know if I told either of them the realities of my relationships, they would both leave me. They may leave anyway at this point.
Kane's face rapidly cools. In a split second, he changes to a calm, collect man. He steps closer to me and throws his arms around me. He holds me in a tight hug. My mind twists and I search for a reason for his vanishing temper. His face gets close to my ear.
"If you ever see him again, I swear to God I will kill him." His teeth clench and all of the anger I just saw pushes into my ear.
He pushes out of the hug violently and steps away from me.
"I'll see you later," he says cheerily. A smile returns to his face and his cheeks rise to show his dimples. In his eyes I can still see his temper dosing his brain in evil ideas. He turns and walks out of the room, not even gesturing to the nurse who opens the door for him. I am thoroughly scared what this man can do. Whenever I fall back in love with him for even a second, his psychopathic side creates so much fear in me that it is impossible to feel love towards him… yet I do. What the fuck is wrong with me.
I think of Noah. I had it all with him. He cared. He never talked down on me, abused me or told me how useless I am. We had history, just not as entangled as Kane and I's. The sunset lit our faces and the house around us became so small that the only thing we could do was get closer. His rough hands resting on my thigh, lovingly stroking it. His hearty laugh echoing when I made fun of his egg making abilities. We would sleep in on saturday's; our son would climb up the side of the bed and curl between the two of us. Him and I would make eye contact and a deep understanding would flow between us. I have put all of that at risk. I have put him at risk.