He looks up from the pictures and walks over to me.
"Who was he?" His eyes pierce into my skin. The blue brings me back to when we were happy before he asked about Kane. Kane ruins everything.
"I didn't want to tell you because he is my ex boyfriend of seven years."
"Hold on." He is confused. "That's the douche you dated in high school?"
"Yeah but I-"
"Holy shit. He looks so different." He cuts me off.
"Yeah, I dated him for two more years after we graduated." I said with an enormous amount of guilt.
"He-uh." I want to tell him. You can tell him. "He was abusive."
"What?" Anger bursts from his voice. "What did he do?"
"Uh-" I've never told anybody a list before. "He raped me and-"
"He did wha-" He starts to yell but I put my hand up.
"Let me finish," I say softly. "He raped me multiple times, hit me and actually kidnapped me one time."
His shoulders lift and I can see the fire growing and taking over him. I have never see him have so much emotion.
"Where the fuck is this guy," He spits. "I'm going to fucking kill him."
He puts the pictures on the coffee table and walks to the jackets. He grabs his sweater and starts to pull it on.
"Noah," I bark. "This baby needs his father. You can't attack him because he will fight back."
I stand up and walk to him. I look at him in the eyes.
"Just calm down. I am ok now." I coo.
"He can't get away with that." He yells at me.
"He won't!" I belt. "Sit the fuck down, Noah."
My yelling throws him off.
"I'm trying to protect you." He says with hurriedness.
"I don't need a protector."
He puts his hand on his face, closes his eyes and sighs into his palm. His hand wipes down his face and he looks at me intently.
"Promise me that he will never touch you ever again." He puts his hands on my shoulders and buries his eyes into mine.
"I promise."
He sighs again and hangs his sweater back up. I sit back on the couch and pick up the pictures. I know they will at least slightly distract him. He sits next to me on the couch. Together, we look at our baby. I wish I could tell just from this picture if it's Noah or Kane's. I could do a DNA test but it's too invasive and I could miscarry my baby. That's the last thing I want.
"You know I want to hurt him. I am only controlling myself for you."
"I love you," I mutter. I don't aim towards either my son or Noah. I love them both. My fantasy of sleeping on Saturdays can come true. I want to express that I want it.
"I love you too," he mutters back. I don't know if he is telling the baby that he also loves him or if he is responding to me. Either is just as sweet as the other.
"We can get away from here. Out of Boston." He looks at me. "Where do you want to live?"
"Leave Boston?" I ask. I have always dreamed of actually doing that but never actually had the guts to do it.
"Yeah." His smile returns. "How does Connecticut sound?"
"Way too expensive," I say with a laugh. "What about Pennsylvania?"
"Good schools," he comments as if he is a realtor.
"How do you know that?" My smile grows.
"The internet is great, man." He smiles back at me. We make eye contact. This time it is not filled with hate, anger or begging but love. I wonder how much better our relationship would be had Kane never been part of my life. I would have my mother. I would have Noah. I would know who my baby's father is. The spiral. I push it off. This is not happening every time I get happy. I need to focus on my smile and his smile. Kane has nothing to do with this.
I look at Noah's face and brush my hand across his cheek. He leans in and kisses me gently. All of the air in my lungs is dispelled. I feel my muscles relax. My heart beats harder than it has in a long time. This feel so right. I want him. He is my choice. I kiss back harder. I feel a flip in my stomach. Normally I'd chalk that up as butterflies but this time I physically feel something move. I pull out of the kiss and gasp.
"He moved!" My jaw is gaped open at the wonder.
"He did!?" Noah matches my excitement. "Wait. He?"
He grows more excited and starts to move his arms up and down.
"I'm having a son?" He asks eagerly.
"Yeah," I say overjoyed.
He leans over and kisses me again. Let's hope this happiness lasts.
The sun begins to go down. We sit, a family of three, watching the sunset. The sun rose to our relationship and now it sets as we begin a new part of our life. Striations of purple, pink and blue splotched on my future.
No.
You love Ka—
I stop it in its tracks. I didn't know that was possible. I feel everything come back apart underneath. I can control them. I am being dried after a storm which I managed to survive. This is euphoria.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: THE HURRICANE
I wake to blood curdling screams. My body irks and I look towards the source. Noah is sobbing and squealing for help. The bed is shaking and I can his leg twitching. In the darkness, a thick liquid pours out like a deep shadow of pain. My heart beats twice as fast as it should as I try to process the situation. I can see an enormous black smudge coming out of his leg. He winces, the more it stays there.
"Quiet!" A voice barks. My eyes as still waking up but I begin to see a shadow of a person. I grow nauseous. This is the end. Happiness only lasted so long.
"Keep whimpering and I'll twist it." The voice is cold and hard. A shiver goes through me. I recognize that voice.
I gasp. As soon as the sound of my breath leaves my mouth, the shadow moves to me immediately.
"Look who you woke up." He says with an evil drawl. "How'd you sleep?"
His moves his face close to mine until I can feel his breath on my nose.
"Aren't you going to answer me?" He growls. I can hear Noah still struggling and gasping. He whimpers loudly.
"Shut up!" Kane yells.
My eyes adjust to the darkness and I can see Kane grab towards the object in Noah's leg. It's a knife. My breath becomes unsteady and I can feel the stress enter my body. I am shaking and shivering. He is going to kill me. He takes the knife and moves slowly turns it in its spot. Noah screams out in pain again. I have never heard a scream so loud and high. I want to save him but I know if I move to him then Kane will stab me too. I think of my baby. I can't risk anything.
"If you scream one more time I will twist it deeper." Kane maliciously spits. He turns back to me. He sees my fear and shakes his head. He chuckles lightly.
"At least I brought another knife." He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a retracted knife. He brings it close to my face and flicks it open. The tip of the blade lands only a centimeter from my nose. I can barely breathe. I'm afraid if I do then my face will hit the blade.
"So baby girl," he smoothly repeats, "how'd you sleep?"
He doesn't drop the blade for a second. I can hear Noah gasping and spatting.
"I slept well," I stammer.
He looks at me and laughs.
"Well!" He cackles more. "Oh, you and your proper grammar."
He sits up and crosses his arms, temporarily pulling the knife away from my face.
"I love you so much." He says with a hearty chuckle. I don't respond. How could I? He senses my disapproval and pulls himself back into his previous position. The blade hangs over my cheek this time. I hold my breath. He feels me recede.
"Don't you love me?" He puts the knife closer to my face and feel the blade tip caress my nerves. All of Noah's breathing and moaning goes quiet. I begin to panic more. He could be dead. I risked all of it just to show him my son and now I have caused his demise. I can only blame myself. I continue to hold my breath.