I stand in Tabitha's bathroom. My hand shakes as I open the bag. I pull out the bottle and examine it. 90 tablets are crammed into this tiny orange container. I have medication for schizophrenia with my name on it. It doesn't even seem right. The diagnosis has never really set in and I'm not sure that it ever will. I open the top and take one out, as the bottle instructs. I hold it in my sweaty palm for a moment.
It feels so warm in my hand. I don't want to let it control me. At the same time, I know if I don't let it control me then my thoughts and voices will. It is a decision that is crucial and I have to make it. Not just for me but I'll say it a million times: for my son.
I throw into my throat and swallow. It moves slowly through my esophagus. I lean over the sink, turn it on and take a heavy gulp. The pill travels down my neck until I can't feel it anymore. I know the pills won't have an immediate effect but I just got one pill closer to a normal life.
I sigh, put down the pill bottle and walk to my room. Tomorrow will be an easier day. I am sure of it.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE: THE DOVE
Joseph's wiggles in my arms. Unless he is fully swaddled, he stretches and flails. I chuckle as my little bear moves his shoulders back and forth. I kiss him on the forehead and continue my journey down the stairs.
The door to the outside is wide open and invites the bright afternoon sky into the great room. I walk through the door and met Tabitha on the lawn. She sits on the grass, playing with my adorable goddaughter. Her puffy cheeks get smaller as she grows taller. I want it to stop so that I can forever have a mental image of her stubby legs and and soft hair. I know that this feeling will develop with my son. I bend down and sit next to Tabitha.
She reaches out her hands to take my bundled up baby. I hand him over and watch as my best friend smiles at my gurgling son. A year ago, I couldn't have even imagined my life would come this far. I no longer have the shadow of Kane's demons on my back. I live in the sunshine as the voices slowly fade from my brain. I can't even fathom a better outcome.
I don't know if a prayer will really do much at this point.
Thank you. Despite my neglect, I see you.
I see you.
My thought is interrupted as a taxi abruptly stops in front of us. The yellow reflects the sun and blinds me. I stand up, trying to get a better view of the stranger stepping out. They step out and the taxi speeds off. When the sun settles my heart drops. He walks towards me. Sorrow fills his face. He has been crying.
"What are you doing here?" I ask. I want to be more angry than I am but everything in me sings when I see him.
"I need you, Ana," Noah says. Red streaks are imprinted on his face. His eyes are puffy and sore. He walks to me and grabs my hands. I try to look away. I don't want to look away.
"I can't keep pretending that you don't exist," he says, tears mapping down his face. "I love you."
I can't pull my eyes away. My blue eyes have me entranced in the most melodious of fixes. This is not a malicious spell like Kane's was.
"I was in shock and I realize that I may have looked psychopathic but I promise you Ana that I will never hurt you or Joseph. Ever." He is being honest and part of me hates him for being honest because I love him. I look back at Tabitha and her smile radiates.
"I saved you when you needed me most. Stay with me and let me protect you," he says.
As the sunsets on the horizon, he bends down on one knee. My heart and stomach twist. Adrenaline courses through my veins. He pulls out a small box. Tears being to trail down my face. I hold my hands up to my mouth. My brain becomes blurred.
"Marry me, Ana." He opens the box to reveal a beautiful silver ring with a gleaming white stone sets perfectly in the center.
My breath becomes short and I feel the words form themselves.
"Yes."
EPILOUGE
I walk through the airport with lightness in my step. Triumphant rushes through my veins. Noah told me to trust him and I did. He will never let me down. I look over at him, he is so candid, walking with our son. Their matching green eyes shimmer in the sunlight. I never knew I would get to this point of my life.
We reach our gate and walk into the tunnel to the plane. This is the walk to my graduation. My cap and gown adorn with medals of gold as bright as my sons hair.
His chubby fingers let go of his father's hand and he tries to run towards me. I see him reach for me and I swoop him up into my arms.
“I love you, mama.” he says as I pull him close to my body.
I kiss him firmly on the cheek. I never knew I could love someone so much. I look at his face and my mother stares back. I know somewhere, he has my mother's kindness and courage. I love him more than the sea could love the moon and more than fire could love wood. It will never change. Unbelieveable. Indescribable. Confined.
“I love you too, Joseph.” I say back to the toddler.
He giggles and nuzzles his head into my neck. I feel my body move closer to his. He holds my heart in his little hands.
We walk onto the airplane and with my free hand, I touch the outside of the plane. It is my way of saying goodbye. Something so simple yet sincere. Boston was never kind to me but now Pennsylvania holds so much promise that I can forgive Boston and move on with my life.
We get situated in our seats and I hand Marius to Noah. When he takes our son, our eyes meet and an unspoken yet blissfully trusting promise is passed between us. He has completed me. I reach into my pocket and pull out my wallet. I open it and look at my last picture of Kane. His curly brown hair messy as ever and his brown eyes filled with secrets. I loved that face. But not anymore. I have finally escaped his grasp. I take the picture out of my wallet and tear it in two without a second thought. I crush the two pieces in my hand and throw it on the ground. No more. I am free.
THANK YOU:
To these special people in my life, thank you for everything you do. The list is innumerable but it will start with the superstar of a woman, Laurie Day. My biggest fan, the best cheerleader and the reason this has gone as far as it has. You are stinkin’ spectacular.
Thank you of course to my parents, my siblings, Moriah, Beth and Michael (Si). You all are amazing no matter how much I say contrary.
Thank you to NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illnesses) for breaking the stigma and helping me through some extremely difficult times.
Thank to my cat, Solomon (Sully), for being my emotional support, my best fur buddy and overall being the best boy I could’ve asked for. Except when you ruin my toilet paper rolls. Don’t do that, please.
Thank you to the whole crew at MCV Hospital and Parham Hospital. I most literally owe you my life. Special thanks to Thomas Carr and Brittany Pressner. It would’ve been nearly impossible without you.
Thank you to anybody struggling with depression and continues to fight despite what your brain is telling you. You are worth every moment you are owed.
Love to all!
About the Author
Mare Moody (formerly Mary Bethany Moody) lives in Richmond, VA with her cat, Sully. She is finishing her degree in Journalism and hopes to continue publishing books for the foreseeable future. She is also an editor at Her Campus VCU, Odyssey Online and hopefully many more magazines to come. You can find more information about her on her facebook page: Author Mary Moody.
Copyright
All Rights Reserved ©2018 BookSurge Publications.