Well, what is it? Andy said, and I told him we had to end this thing that was going on between us. I told him it had begun to bother me last month, when I thought I was pregnant, and when I realized how wrong it would be to bring a child into the world whose parents were blood relatives. I told him I was still very fond of him, but that what we’d been doing was wrong, and I couldn’t go on doing it, not feeling the way I did now. I told him that there were plenty of men and women in the world without cousins having to start up with each other.
He said, You started it, Muriel.
I said, Well, I don’t really know who started it, Andy, I just know I fell in love with you back there in April, and what happened was just something neither one of us could control, I guess. All I’m saying now is that I really want to end it, and I hope you’ll just permit it to die, Andy.
It must’ve been a quarter past 8:00 by then, I’ve shortened it a lot, but it must’ve taken me at least a half-hour to get it all out. During that time the television was going outside, it almost sounded as if there were people in the house besides us, people with their own problems and their own lives, thrashing them out on television the way we were thrashing them out there in Andy’s room. After I told him, he just lay there on his bed for the longest time without saying anything at all, so finally I got up to go, and he said, Sit down, Muriel. And then it all came out. He told me how much he loved me, told me he’d tried so hard to stay away from me in the beginning, realizing we were cousins and knowing it was wrong. But then, when he saw I was interested, he figured he could dare to make a move, I’d been living there in the house for more than two years by then, he’d never so much as touched my hand in all that time, but now he felt he could dare, because he saw I was interested at last. And even then, even after it was plain to both of us what was eventually going to happen, even then he’d tried to stop it, knowing all along he was lost. And so now he was really lost, now I was abandoning him — was that it?
No, I said, I’m merely trying to tell you that we’ve got to stop, Andy.
Stop what? he said. Stop loving you? How can I do that? Do you want me to kill myself, Muriel? Do you want me to die? I’ll die without you, you know.
You won’t die, I said.
Take off your dress, he said.
He said it so suddenly, he still wasn’t looking at me, he still had his hands behind his head, he was still staring up at the ceiling.
Take off your dress, he said.
I asked him why he wanted me to take off my dress, and he said I knew why, just take the damn thing off. You’ve been driving me crazy for the past God knows how long, he said, just take off your fucking dress, he said, you owe me at least one more time.
I told him I didn’t owe him anything, and that was when he got off the bed, swung his legs off the side of the bed, and came toward me and said, Take off the dress, Muriel, I’m not kidding. I was frightened by then, I was really frightened. There was a crazy look on his face, I was afraid he was going to hit me. He grabbed my wrist and forced me down on my knees, but I wouldn’t take off the dress, I wouldn’t help him. I told him he had better not hurt me, and he said he wasn’t going to hurt me, but I was going to do what he wanted me to do, and then he said, Go on, take it, I know you want it, and I did what he told me to do because I really was afraid he would hurt me. Afterward, he went to the bed and lay face down on it and began crying. I really felt very sorry for him, I almost reached out to touch his hair with my hand. There was only the sound of his crying and the television set going outside, a doorbell ringing, and then I realized it wasn’t the television set at all, it was the real doorbell, it was the apartment doorbell. So I went out of Andy’s room, closing the door behind me, and I went to the front door and opened it.
It was Patricia. She had forgotten her key, she said.
I told her to come in.
She asked me if everything was all right. She was looking at me peculiarly.
I told her everything was all right.
I hope to God it is.
Friday, September 5
Someone has read this diary.
The strap was cut when I took it out of the drawer tonight, so I know someone has read it. I’m sure it was Andy. I remember a while ago when he asked me was I writing about us in the diary, and I told him I was. I think he wanted to see what I’ve been writing. It frightens me to think that he read all the stuff I wrote about Jack. I don’t know what’s going on inside his head. I think he’s still very angry, and feels he hasn’t yet got back at me. Even after last night, even after what he made me do last night. I’m not sure he thinks he’s even with me. At least not yet. It’s so strange. I loved him so much, and now I only feel afraid of him, and a little sorry for him. And he loved me, too, or at least he claims he did, and now he feels nothing but hate — I can see it burning in his eyes.
At supper tonight he said he wouldn’t be coming to the party tomorrow. He said the restaurant had called and asked him to work tomorrow night, and he’d told them he would. I’m sure he doesn’t have to go to work tomorrow night if he doesn’t want to. He just can’t stand being anywhere near me, that’s all. He can’t stand the sight of me now that I’ve ended it. So Patricia and I will have go to the party alone, an idea Aunt Lillian doesn’t like, two girls coming home late at night from a party. Patricia calmed her somewhat by telling her we’d be home by 11:00 sharp, but Aunt Lillian still doesn’t like the idea. I don’t want to go to the stupid thing at all. All I want to do now is move ahead with my own life, get out of this place as soon as possible, find an apartment of my own, see what happens between Jack and me.
At lunch today I told him all about last night, my finally telling Andy we were through, and how he’d practically raped me. Jack said he’d be very happy when I got out of that house once and for all. And then he said something that got me very fluttery all over again. He said, And once you’re out, Mure, we’ll see about my getting out. I knew he was talking about his wife. I knew he was talking about leaving her.
So tomorrow night I’ll go to a dull party I don’t want to go to, and then I’ll only have Sunday to get through till I can see Jack again on Monday.
But at least the worst is over with.
I’ve ended it with Andy, and I can breathe again.
10
Patricia Lowery’s grandmother recognized Carella from his earlier visit, but this time he was accompanied by a tall blond man he introduced as his partner, Detective Kling. She said she would have to check with her granddaughter before she let them in the apartment, and then closed and locked the door, leaving them to cool their heels in the hallway for a while. Kling had not yet read the diary. Carella had briefed him on it, however, and had also voiced the regret that he could not charge Jack Armstrong, All-American Boy, with any crime but Attempted Seduction of the Innocent — which could not be found in the state’s Penal Law, and which in fact was only a violation of Carella’s own moral code, a Class E misdemeanor at best. Old Grandma Lowery was a spry old lady, but it took her ten minutes to get back to the front door with word that her granddaughter would most certainly talk to the detectives. They followed her through the apartment into the back bedroom, where Patricia sat in an armchair with a book open on her lap. There was no place else to sit, except the bed, so both detectives remained standing while they talked to her.