I press the "I just got a raise" button (AKA "Stop Traffic Generation") on the Lan Analyser, and almost immediately the user shouts back "Excellent, it's working now, thanks"
"That's ok, don't mention it. Have a nice day"
The big-boss has been listening to all this, so I reckon that the trip to his office won't be so bad after all. I tell him I'll be right down as soon as I secure the net and hang up. On the way down, I invent a new buzzword which always keep management happy. Complete Transient Lockout. Sounds much better than pulling the plug. Like Master-Reset sounds better than off-switch.
I get to his office and the staffing officer is there too. Uh-oh.
"Simon – How would you like to be our System Manager?"
?!!!
"Well... I don't know, I like that hands on.."
"Extra 10 grand a year, Varisty Car.."
"Monaro?"
"Ok"
"Sold!"
....And so ends the saga, as it should have at #10.
The Bastard System Manager From Helclass="underline"
BSMfH #1
I get into my office and it's my first day – I want to make a good impression, so I empty my IN tray into the bin. Now that's what I call efficient!
I get a call from the big boss – he's been getting complaints about the Trainee Bastard Operator from Hell. I ask him to forward all the complaints to me and that it would be best to let me deal with them. I ring the operator and get him to make an appointment with me.
Two weeks later, he does, and I show him the complaints that have accumulated so far.
"Seventy Three complaints in your first three weeks!" I shout "It's good – but it's NOT Good Enough! You should be getting at least 10 complaints a day – AT LEAST! Now, let's see what you're doing wrong: You get a call from a user – what do you do?"
"Kill them off?" The TBOFH replies
"NO! How can you kill them off if you don't know their USERNAME? Your FIRST priority is to get their username. Then what would you do?"
"Kill them off?"
"NO! Get them to tell you what their problem is!"
"Why?"
"Because later I can say they didn't explain their problem to you properly! It's a great defence – works every time. A user rings me up to complain; I listen to their problem, then say "OH, WHEN YOU SAID `MY PC DOESN'T WORK' HE MUST HAVE THOUGHT YOU MEANT `HOW CAN I MAKE MY PC NEVER WORK AGAIN AND DESTROY MY LIFE'S WORK AT THE SAME TIME?' – IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!' then they tell me how implausible that is, I say how terribly sorry we are, then fake some connect and CPU time records so their monthly bill is about the same as the Uraguayan national debt... Understand? So, after you've heard their problem, what do you do?"
"Kill them off?"
"NO! Then you make up some excuse. Have you got an excuse card calendar?"
"Uh. No.."
"And you said you were qualified to operate a computer! You'd better have mine." I pass my computer card calendar over, flipping it to page one – "ENTROPY"....... ...I like it. "Now, you give the cretin an excuse then what do you do?"
"Kill them off?"
"YES!" (He certainly has a fixation) "Then what?"
"Hang up?"
"NO! Then they'll call you back when the problem recurs. Your job is to make them FEAR calling you. How can you work when people are calling? So, you make them pay for calling in the first place. What would you do?"
"Delete their files?"
"Yeah, it's a start, but then they may call back when they get new files. You want them NEVER to call back. What could you do?"
"Swear at them?"
"No. I can see we'll have to demonstrate. Have you got a metal ballpoint?"
"Yes"
"See that wallsocket over there. Take the refill out of the pen and poke in into the wallsocket."
"But it's live!"
"Would I really make you do it if it were live?"
"Oh" >fiddle< >fiddle< >BZZZZZZZEEEEERT!< >THUD!<
Of course I would.
He was no good anyway. No killing instinct.
BSMfH #2
So I'm interviewing for new Operators, and, as the Bastard System Manager from Hell, I have high standards. And as the Immediate Past Bastard Operator from Hell, I have even higher standards.
I get the first applicant in.
"Ok" I say "I'm just going to ask you some simple questions to guage your knowledge of Computing and Networking in relation to the Operations Field"
"Sure"
"Right. Question One. What's the best way to stop an individual posting nasty articles to news?"
"Close their account"
"Good – But can you elaborate?"
"Delete all their files, Change their password to `Knobhead' and Erase any backups of their account"
"Excellent. What is a killfile?"
"Uh. It's a list of usernames/topics/news items etc that you wish the news-reader to automatically skip so you don't have to wade through rubbish"
"Uh No. Remember I said pertaining to Operations. A killfile is in fact a file with a list of names of people you are going to kill."
"Oh. Of course."
"Never mind. What is DCE?"
"Delete, Close and Erase"
"Good. DTR?"
"DON'T TRY to RING. The Operator's watchword"
"Well done. DBMS?"
"Dont Bug My Supervisor. Probably the most important acronym around"
"You betcha. Ok. A user comes to you with a complaint about another user sending sexually explicit email messages to them. What do you do?"
"Take a copy of the messages, close the complainant's account (by accident) and extort money from the mailer by threatening to show their parents"
"Good. I think you'll do nicely. Hang onto this wire..."
"I don't think so."
"Excellent. You passed the final test. You start tommorrow. Please leave by that door so as not to disturb the other applicants."
BZZZZZEEEERETTT!
Electrified Door Handle. Gets them every time. I think it's the "Complaints Dept" sign that draws them to it like moths to a globe...
I push the body out onto the fire escape.
"NEXT!"
Quite a Bastard:
BOFH Rides Again:
Bastard Operator from Hell #14
Don't ask how I got back, I just did. Suffice to say that work frowns upon management material that uses electrodes to gain client information. Especially when you do it to the boss's in-laws. That's HIS entertainment.
So I'm back in the saddle. Unfortunately, that means there's a surplus of operators in the computer room. One slam of the tape safe door later, the problem is solved. The knocking dies down in a couple of hours, so I guess the safes really *are* airtight.
To welcome myself back, I send a message out saying there's a shutdown in 10 minutes. 5 minutes later I shut the system down. I love doing that. I see the hard-disk activity lights flicker as the "disk recovery" phase of startup run through, globally deleting journal files. Funny how we always start up with lots of free disk...
I just get Wolfenstein started and the phone rings. What the hell, I almost missed it while I was away, so I answer it.
"Computer Room" I say
"THAT WASN'T TEN MINUTES!!!!" the voice at the other end screams.
"What wasn't 10 minutes?" I ask in a pleasant manner. I can see that things have deteriorated in my absence. Spare the rod and spoil the rm -r, that's what I always say.
"THAT! You said it was going to be te... >pause<... Um, who is this?"
"This is the Operator; who did you expect it to be?"
"Darren? Is that Darren?"
"Uh, No. Darren.. Darren is... unavailable... at the moment."
"Oh. Do you know when he'll be back in the control room?"
"Probably around the time of our next backup – the year 2007 or sometime thereabouts I should imagine"
He's toying with asking me if he can recover their files or not. I let him dangle for a few moments.