“Why’s that?”
“You think I’m easy. A tramp…A slut…A whore…Feel free to interrupt me at any time.”
“You’re doing fine.”
She shakes her head and curls her lips into a strange smile and looks at me the way a giant snake might look at a wounded mouse. “I like saucy men,” she says. “But you know what?”
“What?”
“I can be saucy, too.”
“Oh, joy.”
“You know what your problem is?” she says.
“You?”
“No. Your problem is we haven’t spent any quality time together. As friends.”
“Is this how you treat your friends? By holding a gun on them?”
“Sometimes.”
“Do you reciprocate?”
“What do you mean?”
“Ever let your friends hold the gun on you?”
She smiles. “I like the way you word things. You’ve got a fine mind, Gideon. Ever thought about being a kindergarten teacher?”
“Every hour of every day.”
She laughs heartily. When it dies down she says, “Here’s what we’re going to do.”
“Tell me.”
“When you finish eating, we’re going to do what normal couples do.”
“What’s that?”
She fumbles around in her purse with one hand while holding the gun on me with the other. Eventually, she finds what she’s looking for, and places it on the table between us.
A bottle of nail polish.
“I don’t understand,” I say.
“You’re going to paint my toenails,” she says.
“You’re joking.”
“When we do good deeds for others, we feel good about ourselves.”
“We do?”
“It builds our self-esteem. And helps us flex our empathy muscles. It’s the first step toward being good neighbors. And you know what that helps you become?”
“Crazy?”
“A citizen of the world.”
“All this from painting your toenails? Who knew? We should call the United Nations immediately. Can peace be far behind?”
“Go ahead,” she says. “Make jokes.”
“What’s the point? You’ll only laugh.”
She laughs.
“See?”
She says. “I really do like you, Gideon. I can see why Trudy wants you. But that will never happen.”
“Why not?”
“She’s too young and pretty for you. And doesn’t know how to please a man.”
Renee’s way off base about Trudy’s ability to please a man. I think about the hand job in the car until I see Renee staring at my face.
“Something wrong?” I say.
“Looks like you were daydreaming about something pleasant. I mention Trudy, you get a goofy smile on your face. We’re going to have to work on that.”
“How?”
“By adjusting your focus. From her to me.”
“And you think painting your nails will accomplish that?”
“Yes. Because painting my nails is something you can do for me, to show you value me as a person. And when we show others we value them, we open ourselves up to wonderful possibilities. Like friendship. Is that something you’d be willing to do?”
“I’d be willing to cut off my ears if it would make you stop using that stupid kindergarten voice.”
She frowns.
I say, “You seriously believe by forcing me to paint your nails I’ll become a better person?”
“Yes. And you’ll do other things to show you value me not only as a person, but as a life partner.”
My turn to frown. “Life partner?”
“Of course ‘life’ is a relative term. While I can guarantee we’ll be partners for life, it’s up to you how long our partnership will last.”
“Because it ends with my death?”
“Yes, of course.”
“What else will you force me to do?”
“To help you value me as a person?”
“Yeah. Whatever.”
“After the nail ceremony, I’ll allow you to please me orally, like we discussed earlier. I’ll give you detailed instructions until you master the perfect combination that causes my bud to bloom. After you satisfy my needs, we’ll go in the bathroom, and I’ll make a nice doo doo in the potty. Then I’ll let you wipe my behind. You’re making a strange face. What’s on your mind, darling?”
“The many ways I’m going to torture my therapist before killing her.”
“You’re making a joke.”
“You are, if you think I’m going to wipe your ass.”
“Wiping my behind seems gross to you?”
“Shockingly, yes.”
She smiles. “That’s because you don’t see it for what it is.”
“Please enlighten me. What is it?”
“A display of nurturing love. Which as we all know, is the precursor to true, eternal love.”
“Maybe that explains why I’ve never been in love.”
“Gideon?”
“What?”
“If something happened to you tomorrow, I’d nurture and care for you the rest of your life. I know it sounds unpleasant, cleaning a grownup’s potty pants, but it’s not gross when you’re taking care of the person you love.”
“Please tell me you’re aware we never laid eyes on each other before this afternoon.”
“We’re soul mates, Gideon. We’ve traveled this road many times, through many lives.”
“I don’t think so.”
“No?”
“I’m pretty sure I’d remember wiping your ass from one life to the next.”
“Don’t be impudent, Gideon. Finish your dinner. You’ll need your strength for later.”
48
Trudy Lake.
“Your boyfriend certainly gets around,” Sheriff Boyd says. “I’ll give him that much. So how do you know he’s in Paducah?”
“While waiting for you to show up this past hour,” I say with no small amount of anger, “I called half the motels within a fifty mile radius of Logan, where Renee lives.”
“And you finally found him checked into the Royal Landmark Inn?”
“Yes. Can you call the Paducah police department and have them check on him?”
“Why don’t you just call Dr. Box at the Inn and ask if he’s okay?”
“You think I haven’t tried?”
“No answer?”
“No. But the last five times I’ve called, they said Dr. Box has asked not to be disturbed.”
“Maybe they’re having sex. Maybe you’re jealous to learn your sister’s fucking your boyfriend.”
From behind us, Clem laughs.
“Shut up, Clem!” I holler. “Sheriff, this is Renee Williams we’re talking about. She kills people.”
“Not according to the laws of the state of Tennessee, she doesn’t.”
“She’s taken over his phone. She threatened me.”
“Is that the only message she sent? To keep your ass away from Doctor Box? And she won’t tell you again? Because that’s not much of a threat, Trudy. If it was, I’d be arresting every pre-pubescent girl in junior high. And I hope you know I can’t go around banging on hotel doors demanding grown men and women tell me what they’re up to.”
“You’re refusing to help me?”
“If by ‘help’ you mean will I chase down your boyfriend and make him stop dating your sister, the answer is no.”
“How will you feel if Dr. Box turns up dead?”
“Honestly? I’ll feel relieved.”
“Then go fuck yourself.”
“That’s an awfully ugly sentence to come from such a pretty face. I expect your mom would be ashamed of what’s become of her sweet daughter.”
“My mom would be proud of me for tryin’ to save a man’s life.”
“I guess we already found out how proud of you she was.”
I try to slap him, but he backs out of the way and says, “You have a nice day now, Mrs. Lake, you hear?”
49
I’m doubly shocked when Detective Tan from the Paducah police department takes my call. Shocked he took my call, even more shocked when he said, “We arrested Dr. Box earlier today for armed robbery.”
“That’s insane!” I say.
“Yes, ma’am, we agree. Turns out he was set up by a woman.”
“Renee Williams.”
“Uh…no ma’am.”
“Excuse me?”
“Zander Evans, of Paducah, aged twenty-two, last seen at Mason’s Truck Stop, Eddyville, Kentucky. That was four hours ago, give or take. You don’t happen to know Miss Evans, do you?”