And if you think this is going to stop me from marrying her, you can just think again. I still intend to marry her, but you—and anyone associated with theJournal —will NOT be welcome at the ceremony. And not just because of what you did last night, either. I’ve let Stacy know that she will not be invited to our nuptials, either. Not after the way the two of you have behaved concerning Janice. Apparently, “alternative lifestyles” are perfectly acceptable to the two of you (I shudder to think what kind of values Stacy is teaching those poor innocent children of hers). Well, same-sex partnerships aren’t acceptable to me, or to my future wife. Janice is a spoiled brat and always has been, and this “Sarah” business is just to get attention from Mom and Dad. The sooner you two realize this, the better.
It pains me to have to say this, but I feel like you’ve left me no other choice: Mitch, I never want to see or speak to you again. Even the thought of working in the same office as you makes me sick. Kindly stay the hell out of my life.
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Stuart Hertzog <stuart.hertzog@hwd.com>
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com
Re: You
Right back atcha, buddy.
Mitch
JIFFY-FAX FAX WHILE U WAIT BERKELEY, CA
Dear Mom, Dad, Stuart, Stacy, and Mitch,
Sorry if any of you have been worried about me for the past twenty-four hours. I’m actually fine. I just finally came to a decision about my life, and, well, as soon as I came to it, I decided to put it into action. I didn’t want to wait. But I thought I’d write and let you know that I’m all right. I’m back at Berkeley, actually. I’m with Sarah.
Mom, I know you pulled me out of school because you don’t like Sarah—or don’t like that I love her, I guess, would be more accurate. But a friend of Mitch’s reminded me—Kate, Mitch. She’s really cool. You should try to hang onto her—that Gramps left me some money. I know you always said I wasn’t to touch it, Mom, and that I should save it for a rainy day. But, well, here’s the thing: It’s raining. I’m going to use the money Gramps left me to pay for finishing up school, and then Sarah and me, we’re thinking about starting a kayaking service up in Puget Sound. You know, where the orcas are? Sarah and I just love orcas.
Mom, I know this has probably got you pretty mad, but the fact is, Gramps left me that money for when I turned eighteen, to do with whatever I want. Frankly, I think paying for school where I want to go, and then starting my own business, is exactly what Gramps would have wanted—just like I doubt he minded that Mitch spent his on a trip around the world, or Stacy spent hers on those horses of hers, or that Stuart spent his on . . . Stuart, did you ever even spend yours?
Well, anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I’m all right, and no hard feelings, and stuff.
Stuart, I hope I’m still invited to your wedding and all, but if I can’t bring Sarah as my date, I’m not coming.
Dad, call me sometime. You know the number.
Mom. Whatever.
Mitch and Stacy, thanks for everything.
Love to you all,
Sean
To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>
Fr: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@freemail.com>
Re: Sean
She fax you a copy of her letter yet? I’m so proud I could burst. I hope she and Sarah DO come to Stuart’s wedding, whether they’re invited or not. You know they’ll be the only couple there worth talking to.
S
To: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@freemail.com>
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>
Re: Sean
Fwd: l Re: You
I wouldn’t count on any of us getting invited. Get a load of the forwarded e-mail.
To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>
Fr: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@freemail.com>
Re: Sean
No fair! I want Stuart to refuse to speak to me, too! You get all the luck.
FYI, thanks to Sean’s letter, Mom’s taken to her bed. She got somebody to refill her script for Valium.
My question is: Where the hell is Dad? I thought he was supposed to be home by now. Oh well.
Stace
To: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>
Fr: Vivica <vivica@sophisticates.com>
Re: Lunch
Oh my God, it was so nice to meet you! You really are just as cute as your picture. I’m so sorry Dale wouldn’t marry you like you wanted him to. You totally deserve to have a nice husband . . . especially after you traded plates with me (who knew bococino meant cheese?) It’s no joke, being lactose intolerant. I can’t even have sour cream on my potato skins anymore!
I’m sorry you won’t consider being a model. Really, it is just loads of fun. And I’m almost positive Ricardo could get you a gig or two. I mean, maybe notVogue, but like, catalog stuff, or something.
Anyway, it was really fun meeting you, and I hope we can get together again sometime soon. I don’t know when, though, ’cause like I said, the band leaves tomorrow for its tour and I’m off to Milan. . . . but I’ll call ya when I get back!!!!!
Love,
Viv
Best Way Messenger Service
Envelope for Kate Mackenzie
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
A Note from
Dale Carter of
I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches
Liberation Records
Dear Kate,
Look, Kate, I know I’m not your favorite person in the world right now, but I just want to say thanks for not telling Vivica about how I bit off that guy’s finger. I mean, biting off a guy’s finger, that’s like fighting dirty, and I don’t want Vivica to think I’m a dirty fighter. I mean, the guy DID keep shoving his hand in my mouth, so it wasn’t like I had a choice.
But Viv wouldn’t know that. So thanks. Really. For not telling her.
I’m really sorry things didn’t work out between us and all, but I think you’re right about it being better this way. I mean, Vivica is a totally dope girl, and I never would’ve met her if you hadn’t dumped me.
And don’t worry about your security deposit. I feel real bad about all that, and about you losing your job and all of that. So I’m messengering over a check for your share of the deposit and some other stuff. Like, you know, to pay you back for all the shit you bought for the place, like the TV and all. Hope it’ll be enough to help you find a new pad of your own.
Well, okay, I guess that’s it. Peace out.
Dale
P.S. What do you think of this new song?
When the stars come out at night
I call them Vivica
And when the moon, it shines so bright
I call it Vivica
And when the sun comes up, and warms us
with its healing rays
I call it Vivica,
Vivica,
My Vivica.
Content of Check
Dale Carter
0002
207 E. 3rd St. Apt. 10J
New York, NY 10003
March 23, 2004
Kathleen Mackenzie
$10,000
Ten thousand and 00 cents