(Tone)
Oh my God, you have got to change that message. It’s Jen, by the way. You remember me, right? Your ex-girlfriend’s best friend? The word is
omniscient,
buddy, not
omission.
Got it? Good. Oh, also, don’t come around here anymore. You just make Kate sad. And no, I’m not drunk right now, but am totally hopped up on hormones, so you’d better be scared, because I swear to God, if I catch you around here again, I’ll—
(Click)
(Tone)
Hi, you’ve reached Kate and Dale. We can’t come to the phone right now, so at the tone, please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you. Thanks!
(Tone)
Stupid machine cut me off. I really mean it. Remember that time in college when I threatened to kick the ass of that friend of yours who brought the smack to the house party Kate and I had? Remember? I didn’t care that he had a gun, I wasn’t scared of him. Well, that’s what I’m going to do to you, too, bud, if you keep on. . . . What do you mean hang up the phone? No, I will not hang up the phone, Craig, I happen to be helping Kate. She had a very bad day and I am just—no, I am not making things worse, I’m helping. I happen to be a trained human resources representative, and I’m—don’t you—Give me that!
(Click)
Hi, you’ve reached Kate and Dale. We can’t come to the phone right now, so at the tone, please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you. Thanks!
(Tone)
Dude, it’s Craig. Sorry about that. Jen and Kate went out for mojitos, and Jen just had one, but she’s wasted. You know, she’s on all those fertility drugs, so she gets really drunk on just like one drink. So, sorry, man. I took the phone away from her and hid it in the closet. She should be all right in the morning. I hope.
(Click)
From the Desk of
Kate Mackenzie
To do:
Quit job (unless fired; if fired, see #2).
Start packing up belongings.
ASPIRIN????? Maybe in bottom drawer.
Find new job.
Find new apartment.
Find new boyfriend.
Oh, God, I don’t know, my head is throbbing. . . . Did I call Dale last night? God, I hope not.
Pick up dry cleaning!!!!!!!!!
Kathleen A. Mackenzie
Personnel Representative, LZ
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6891
kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com
Chelsea/19th betw. 9th and 10th.
Exp. brk. wall, grt. light, elev.
bldg., courtyd. view. $1195, No
Fee. Call Ron 718-555-7757
Yo. It’s Ron. Leave a message.
(Tone)
Hi, Ron? It’s Kate. Kate Mackenzie, I left a message yesterday? About the studio in the East Thirties? Well, I never heard from you. Does that mean the studio’s taken already? Well, even if it is, can you call me back? Because I saw your ad for the place in Chelsea. The one that’s eleven ninety-five? Could you call me about that one? Because I’m really interested. Again, it’s 212-555-6891 until five, then you can reach me at 212-555-1324. And thanks. Thanks a lot. Call anytime.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Does your head hurt as much as mine does?
Katydid:
More. You only had one drink, remember? I had seven. Do you think I’m fired?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
For coming in with a hangover? Whatever. They’d have to fire the whole department. Especially the day after the Christmas party.
Katydid:
No, for crying while I fired Mrs. Lopez.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Oh, please. This is Human Resources. They never fire anybody in this department. Maybe if you stripped off your blouse and started singing “Everybody Wang Chung Tonight” in the mailroom.
Katydid:
The T.O.D. wants me in her office at ten. I will bet you anything it’s to give me a verbal warning.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Would you stop? They are not going to fire you. If anybody’s getting fired, it’s the T.O.D. Did you see all the senior staff members standing around outside the dining room this morning, looking (ineffectually) for Mrs. L’s dessert cart? There are going to be some phone calls today, believe me, when word gets up to the VPs that there aren’t going to be any more chocolate cheesecake muffins.
Katydid:
They’ll just find some other outside vendor.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Yeah, but no one’s muffins can match Mrs. L’s.
Katydid:
True. Jen, I think I have to quit.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
WHAT???????????????
Katydid:
Seriously. I mean, how can I stand by and let them do that to poor Mrs. Lopez? I mean, it isn’t right. She’s a sixty-four-year-old woman.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
A sixty-four-year-old woman who wouldn’t give pie to the head of personnel’s boyfriend, who also happens to be one of the most powerful lawyers in the city, and this company’s chief legal counsel. Kate, you had no choice. Mrs. Lopez brought it on herself. You’d warned her before. It isn’t like she wasn’t aware of the consequences.
Katydid:
Yeah, but maybe I wasn’t stern enough with her. Maybe she didn’t take me seriously. Nobody does, you know. Takes me seriously. I mean, why should they? I’m just like this IDIOT from Kentucky who dated the same guy all through high school and college. Why did I even major in Psych in college? I mean, seriously. I am the worst judge of character of ALL TIME.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Because you suck at everything else, remember? Besides, weren’t we going to help people?
Katydid:
WHO ARE WE HELPING?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Come on. You know you’ve helped a lot of people. What about that girl you hired for the Art Department last month? The one who was so happy when she found out she got the job, she cried and sent you flowers?
Katydid:
So I had one good day. But come on, Jen. We’re not exactly Making a Difference. Like we planned. I mean, remember when we were going to open Jen and Kate’s Free Therapy Clinic?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Yes, but that was before we moved to Manhattan and had to dedicate half of our salaries to rent.
Katydid:
Maybe we should have stayed in Kentucky.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
So we could be spending our weekends eating pork tenderloin at the NASCAR races? No thank you.
Katydid:
I happen to like pork tenderloin. Um . . . Speaking of Kentucky, do you remember if I called Dale last night? I have this dim memory that I did.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
So what if you did? I mean, the goober asked you to, remember? In that stupid note. Seriously, there is something wrong with him. Who leaves NOTES on people’s DOORS in New York City? And what was that slur against
Charmed
?
Charmed
happens to be a very good show.
Katydid: