Quickly I glanced away, ashamed at my reaction and feeling like a total dork. What was I doing here? I couldn’t play this game with Nate because I had no idea how to play it. I’d been locked in a cocoon of pain for so long that I didn’t even know how to communicate and act normal with a regular boy, let alone someone like Nathan Everets—a guy who was so far above me I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to reach him.
But the way he looked at me sometimes…
Suddenly aware of how revealing my pink bikini was, I crossed my arms over my chest and shivered.
My eyes squeezed shut, and I wished I was home with Gram, curled up on the front porch with a book I pretended to read while she flipped through her gardening magazines.
“Hey,” Nate said, a touch of rasp in his voice, and I thought that maybe a tremor rippled just beneath. “Are you all right?”
I nodded, afraid to say anything because I didn’t trust that I wouldn’t make a complete ass out of myself.
“Good.”
And then two strong arms were around my waist and a shriek fell out of me—one that would have made my mother proud—as Nate lifted me over his shoulder and carried me to the edge.
I didn’t get a chance to say anything because at the moment, my brain was focused on how hard he felt. There were no soft curves—there was no soft anything. He was all hard, lean, and muscled lines, and his skin burned into mine.
And God, he smelled so good.
I shook my head, suddenly aware that my butt was near his face and that his hand was on the small of my back, holding me in place. When I finally got my shit together and opened my mouth to say something, it was too late.
There was the feeling of air on my exposed skin. Sun in my eyes. And then there was the shock of cold water.
I went deep and began to kick my legs, grateful for the silence that fell over me and the darkness in which I could hide, however briefly. My legs kicked and kicked, my arms joining in, and when I finally surfaced and cleared the water from my eyes, I was surprised to see that I’d swum halfway across the large pond.
I glanced down. Good. Bikini still in place, nothing exposed that shouldn’t be.
The swans protested and took off, their large graceful bodies slicing through the air as they landed on the soft grassy bank, honking their annoyance.
Treading water, I turned around and I think I might have yelped when I spied Nate so close to me, his head above water as he watched me intently.
I wished he didn’t make me feel so nervous. I didn’t like nervous. It meant that I wasn’t in control, and ever since that awful night, the one I don’t like to talk about or remember, I was all about being in control.
“Feels good,” he said softly. It wasn’t a question.
I nodded, my eyes not leaving his as he floated closer. Wet, his hair clung to his neck and disappeared into the water, while a slow grin swept across his mouth.
I began to move backward. I couldn’t touch the bottom where we were, and I had no idea how long I could tread water before I’d begin to tire.
I moved back maybe ten feet and he kept pace, his eyes still on mine. Still making me nervous.
“What are you doing?” I said roughly, eyeing the bank but thinking the swans wouldn’t be happy if I hauled my butt out onto their territory. Did swans attack people? Should I chance it?
“What do you think I’m doing?” he asked.
I thrust my chin up and made a face. “I don’t know. That’s why I asked.”
I refused to keep playing whatever game this was, so I continued to tread water, and even when he floated so close I could see the drops that clung to his eyelashes, I refused to budge. I wasn’t used to these kinds of games.
“What do you want me to do?” he asked.
I said nothing because I had no idea what to say, so I shrugged, which was kind of hard to do while treading water.
“I’ve been thinking about kissing you since yesterday.”
Holy. Hell.
“Really,” I managed to say, glad to hear the tinge of sarcasm I was going for was present.
“Yes.” His finger grazed my thigh, and I swear my heart was going to beat out of my chest. “Really.”
He rose up in the water an inch or so, making me suddenly aware that even though I was treading water, he was tall enough to stand.
“Well, what are you waiting for?”
Holy shit. Did that just come out of my mouth? Was I crazy?
Uh. Stupid question. I’d been seeing a therapist for over a year and I’d slit my wrist. Sure, it had been a lame, halfhearted attempt, but still…I was pretty sure that passed as freaking crazy in anyone’s book.
A heartbeat passed.
And then another.
His dark eyes glittered. His hands rolled over my shoulders, and he pulled me so close that I felt the heat from his skin on mine. It seared through the cool water, and I felt it like a handprint as his fingers moved down my thigh, coaxing my legs up until I wrapped them around his waist in such a way that it made all kinds of hot, needful things erupt inside me.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think.
I was awash in sensations and feelings, and for once, I didn’t turn them off. I let them roll over me. I let them roll into me. Because they felt so damn good. Because they made me feel alive, and for once, I was just going to let them be.
I wanted to feel again. Was that so wrong?
And when his mouth rested near my ear, my hands slowly crept up until I clung to his shoulders like a child afraid to fall.
“I was waiting for this,” he said.
My eyes squeezed shut, and I loved the feel of his hard body against me. He was real. Solid. Alive.
I might have groaned or made some other equally embarrassing noise, when I inhaled sharply, hot fires burning everywhere inside me as his hand moved to my butt and he held me even tighter against him. It had been so long since I’d let anyone touch me, let alone hold me like this. Like we were already a part of each other.
“Are you done waiting?”
“Yeah,” he said throatily. “I am.
Chapter Fourteen
Nathan
I had never wanted to kiss a girl as badly as I wanted to kiss Monroe Blackwell. Never.
Not even that first time, when I’d pressed myself against Rachel and she’d opened her shirt so that I could see her boobs. I knew I was gonna get a hell of a lot more than a kiss from Rachel, but even then, I didn’t feel like I did right now.
Like I was coming apart. Like if I didn’t hold Monroe as close to me as I could, I would explode.
I was hot and tight and hard. And I knew that if she moved an inch or so lower, she would know just how hard I was. It wasn’t like I could hide it.
She made this noise, this almost painful-sounding noise, and my hands clutched at her, holding her in place, because suddenly I was afraid I was gonna lose it big-time. I’d gone from zero to freaking one hundred in less than a minute, and I didn’t know if I could control the shit that was going on inside me.
I was so afraid of scaring her off that I nearly let her go. I nearly let her float away from me, because as much as she was into this right now, I knew that I needed to take things slow with her. I thought of her eyes. Of the secrets they held. I thought of the pain I’d glimpsed, and something inside me twisted.
What was I doing? I was no good for her. Hell, with the crap going on in my life, I wasn’t good for anybody.
“Are you done waiting?” she said.
I blinked, my body tightening even more if that was possible.
No.
Then she moved a bit—we were skin on skin. She made that sound again, and I was done.