“So, a midnight picnic?” she said, nudging me with her elbow.
I shook my head.
“No?” she grinned. “I don’t think Gram will like us camping out together overnight.”
“I only need you for a few hours.”
“A few hours,” she repeated.
Damn, but I liked to see her smile. It made me feel like a king.
I lay down, and for a moment, she stared down at me, her expression unreadable, and I could tell she was a little nervous.
“I’m not going to bite you.”
“I know,” she answered quickly. “You’re going to kiss me.”
“Yep. That I am.” I reached up and grabbed her arm, tugging her down until she was sprawled across my chest. Her hair hung loose, obscuring her face and tickling my nose. Her scent was all around me. It was in me, and I felt it as if it was alive. As if it made me alive.
She was so warm, so soft, and with a groan, I rolled her over so that she was beside me, on her back and tucked into my arms.
For a few seconds, her breaths fell rapidly, little puffs of mist that hung in the air and then disappeared like the fireflies along the edge of the maze.
“What are we doing out here, Nate?”
“Just wait. You’ll see.”
“See what?”
I pointed to the sky and turned to watch her as she followed my finger. I’d already seen the beginning of the meteor shower as I’d pedaled like a crazy person to get here, but according to the reports online, the big show was just about to start.
We lay like that for about ten minutes. Her body next to mine. Her breaths lifting me up. The soft sounds that fell from her lips were mesmerizing. This girl had her own rhythm, her own state of being, and it was addictive.
I could spend the entire night watching her.
I knew when the first wave of meteors broke through to our side because Monroe’s eyes widened along with her smile. Only then did I look away and turn to the sky.
“Holy shit,” she exclaimed. “What is this?”
“A meteor shower,” I answered, watching the shooting sprays arc across the sky. The last time I’d watched one had been a few years back. Trevor and I and a few guys from the football team had gone out to Baker’s Landing with a couple of six-packs. We’d stayed the night. Got wasted and watched the sky.
It had been pretty cool, but nothing compared to tonight. To being out here under an endless sky with Monroe tucked into my side like she belonged there.
We watched the light show for hours, it seemed, and when the dew fell and Monroe began to shiver, I pulled the blanket over us and wrapped us up like a cocoon. I felt…peaceful, and I would have stayed that way forever if I could have.
“It’s beautiful,” she murmured. “I’m not much of science nut, so I have no clue why they happen or what it is I’m seeing.”
“It’s the tail end of a comet coming close to our sun. The bits that fly off hit our atmosphere and,” I nodded to the sky, “that’s the result.”
“Amazing,” she whispered.
“Yeah.”
I stared up into the sky and felt small. I felt small beneath its bigness and I wondered…
“Do you believe there’s something out there?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
Stupid. What the hell? Why was I getting all deep and shit?
“Nothing. Forget it.”
She wriggled and loosened the blanket enough so that she could look at me. “Do you mean God?”
I shrugged but didn’t answer, mostly because I didn’t know what to say. The lightness was suddenly gone, and I was pissed that it was my fault.
“I believe there’s something,” she nodded, her pale eyes shimmery, like they were filling with tears.
Which made me feel worse.
She exhaled a long, shuddery breath and tried to smile, but it didn’t really work. She looked so sad, so…broken.
“I used to think there was nothing. No one out there. No God.” Her eyes squeezed shut. “Just nothing. But then I realized when you don’t believe in anything anymore, what’s the point of living? What’s the point of breathing or water fights and summer picnics? What’s the point of…loving?”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I was silent. I stroked her hair, and she relaxed against me again.
“There has to be something out there, some greater power, don’t you think?”
“I guess so,” I answered. My family wasn’t overly religious, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been to church. This kind of shit wasn’t something I thought too much about, so why the hell had I brought it up?
“There has to be,” she whispered. “I need for there to be. I need to believe that Malcolm is somewhere. That when he died, he didn’t just end.”
I wanted to know who Malcolm was. What happened? How did he die? And why did Monroe blame herself? I had so many questions, but I didn’t ask any of them because I didn’t feel as if I had the right to. I just stroked her hair and pulled her as close as I could.
“I’m sorry,” I said. They were only two words, but they were all I had.
There was a pause.
“I know.”
A heartbeat passed before she whispered, “I’m sorry too.”
And then she began to cry.
Chapter Twenty-One
Monroe
I don’t know how long I cried. I only know that when I finally stopped, I felt empty and my heart hurt.
Nate’s arms, his warmth and strength, never left me, and for that I was grateful. I hadn’t let this much emotion out since that awful day. In fact, I don’t think I’d cried since. Not even at Malcolm’s funeral.
My therapist had been trying to get me to this place—a place where denial didn’t live and some sort of acceptance did.
A place where maybe I didn’t blame myself. I’m not sure if I would ever really not blame myself for what happened that day, but I was one foot in that direction, which was one foot farther than I’d been.
Who knew that all it would take was a southern boy and a meteor shower?
I relaxed a bit. My face felt tight, and I was glad it was dark because I was pretty sure I looked awful. My eyes felt swollen, my tongue thick, and I knew how blotchy my pale skin got when I was upset.
I felt Nate’s warm breath along the top of my head and turned slightly, resting on his chest with my eyes closed. I never wanted to leave here. If I could stay in his arms forever, I would, because right now, his forever was safe.
Several long moments passed. My chest tightened and then released as a wave of memories and images from that day crashed into me. I had only talked about it once, and even then, all of the little things—the things that mattered—I’d kept to myself.
But I didn’t want to do that anymore.
“Malcolm was full of summer, you know? He looked like my dad, with wavy, blond hair and these big blue eyes that pretty much guaranteed he got away with a lot. He had dimples, freckles across his nose, and he bit the inside of his cheek sometimes. It used to drive my mom batty.”
That was an understatement. My mom had tried everything to get him to stop, but nothing worked.
“It was hot that day.”
Nate stiffened, inhaling deeply and then exhaling as he continued to stroke my head and hold me.
My eyes were squeezed shut, and though I was here with Nathan, in Louisiana, in my mind I was back in New York City. I saw the blinding, relentless sun and felt the heat on my cheeks as I hurried down the sidewalk so fast Malcolm could barely keep up. He’d worn a Batman T-shirt and faded cargo shorts.
I smelled the exhaust from the buses and taxis and cars. Sausage from the vendors. Garbage piled up in the streets, waiting for the trucks to drive by and collect.
That afternoon, I’d been full of resentment and annoyance, and it killed me to remember those particular things. But I had to. I needed to get it out. I needed for Nate to understand even if I didn’t.