I know he can’t, but I’m not going to explain that to him, so I quickly change the subject. “Why can’t you help her?” I ask, pointing to Alyssa’s room.
He furrows his brow and releases a long, deep sigh as if reaching for an explanation. “She has an incurable virus. I have scientists working on finding the cure as we speak, but they’re nowhere close to finding one. I’ve already allocated too much pain medication. There’s not much else I can do.” He pauses to wipe his forehead with his hand. “How do you tell a thirteen-year-old she’s going to die? How do you tell her there’s nothing you can do to save her life?” He balls his hands into fists and then relaxes them like he’s releasing his pain. “I hate failing, and I’m failing her in every way possible.”
My heart breaks for him. I see the pain in his eyes when he speaks about her and wish there was something I could do to make it all go away. I know what it feels like to be a failure. It haunts you constantly.
“Can I get it?” I ask.
“No.” He shakes his head and gives me a distant look.
“Then how did she get it?”
“Look, you can’t get it, all right? So try not to worry about it.”
“Okay. Doesn’t she have family?”
“We’re all she’s got.” He leans against the door.
“Tell me what I can do to help, and I’ll do it.”
“I need you to be there for her. Be her friend.”
“Anything but that,” I say, shaking my head nervously. “I’m not the right person—”
“You’re exactly the right person.” He pats my arm.
“But she hates me. She told me to get out and leave her alone.”
“Because she’s scared. She came here without her family and she’s afraid to let anyone in.” His face softens. “Reminds me of someone else I know. Now, go say good-bye.”
Is he referring to me? He doesn’t know me.
I knock, but silence greets me as I nudge open her door. I stop behind the hanging sheet, unable to move any farther. “I’m leaving now, but I’ll be back in the morning. Would it be all right if I brought something for you?”
“Whatever,” she says.
I don’t respond as I leave. Sure, we’ll be great friends.
Cole sits on the nurse’s desk with his back toward me. Zeus trots over, licking my hand and bringing a subtle smile to my face.
“Nice to see you too. How was your day?” I wipe the slobber on my pants.
Just as I near the desk, Amber reaches around Cole and covers his eyes.
“Guess who,” she says.
“I don’t know,” he replies with annoyance. He extracts her fingers from his eyes and pulls her around to his front.
“Heard you had a good night… hot stuff.” Her haughty laugh is annoying.
How fake can she be?
He laughs. “Yeah, yeah. Who told you?”
“Your boys. Maybe next time you’ll remember to invite me.” She gives him a coy look while she plays with the large curl of her ponytail.
“Nah.” He punches her arm playfully, and she wraps her arms around his neck.
“You wouldn’t have to pay me,” she says. “For you, I’ll do anything.”
Cole shoves her away and looks angry. “I don’t mind kidding, but now you’re crossing the line. Back off.”
“Just messin’ with you. Lighten up already.” Her eyes meet mine and her air of innocence doesn’t fool me. “But seriously, if you want me to come over, let me know,” she says.
Can she scream “I want to die” any louder? Did she not see the execution?
Cole leads me to the stairway in silence since the elevators malfunctioned halfway through the day. Eight flights down and still nothing’s said between us. Zeus’s nails click on the concrete as we descend, and I’m grateful for the noise.
His hand touches the small of my back when he leads me to the door of the Jeep. I stiffen and he removes it.
“We’re taking the Jeep?” I ask.
“For now. Just get in.” His brusque voice reminds me of how mean he was last night, ordering me around like some lowly servant.
So I lift myself in, holding the door handle, then strap the seatbelt on tight while averting my eyes. All day, I pushed the thought of him, his buddies and the prostitutes out of my mind, but now the memory comes up fresh and sharp. Anger flows through me like a bursting dam.
Why does he act all nice and then treat me like crap? Why does he bother saving my life if he’s going to treat me like trash on the street? He doesn’t make any sense.
He puts the Jeep in drive and we traverse back to our quarters. The entire time I stare at the bleak, colorless monotony that’s become my life. The humid breeze plays with my hair, but it doesn’t bring much relief. I feel Cole’s eyes boring holes into the side of my face and try to ignore it, regardless of how many questions I want to ask.
I’m scared too. I saw the execution the same as he did, but there’s no excuse for being hostile now.
I’ve only been here a week and I’m already exhausted with trying to read his signals and dance around his moods. At times, I want to explode like a bomb or give in to my animalistic instincts like the others.
But my father raised me better. He’d be disappointed if I became what I’ve been labeled. And I won’t give the commander the satisfaction of ruining me.
After Cole retires to his room, I let my hair down, giving my scalp a rest from the ponytail. My long tendrils hang freely over my brand as I stand in front of the mirror.
“Sorry about last night. If I don’t treat you that way when they’re around… they’ll start asking questions. I can’t have them doubting my ability to follow through with my orders.”
His voice startles me and I spin around to face him. His tired eyes meet mine. His face is apologetic. “And when they’re not?” I ask. “What about the camera in my room? Aren’t you worried about them watching you talk to me right now?”
“I’m the one watching you on camera, not them. And from now on, in private, we’ll be civil.”
I nod my head and turn away still feeling uneasy.
“You should be thankful I’m apologizing at all,” he says.
My eyes snap to his in disgust. “I trusted you with my life.”
“And I did my job.”
“So that’s how it’s going to be?” I ask.
“That’s all it can be.”
Okay, then.
Days pass in the same manner. Cole escorts me in silence. I nurse Alyssa, fold linens, and keep a low profile. Alyssa loves the pillow I gave her, so she’s been a little more receptive of my presence, but she still only gives me one-word answers when I ask her how she’s doing. Every night, Cole leaves me food to eat, but neither of us speaks. After our last exchange, I lost a lot of respect for him. It makes me uncomfortable so I don’t ask him about the papers he had or if I’ll ever be free from surveillance.
I know he can’t enjoy watching me do nothing every night.
I lie on my mattress and run my hands through my long hair. The loneliness is driving me crazy, so I start talking to Zeus, which, to tell the truth, is kind of nice. He at least pretends to care, or seems to anyway.
Thursday. The day means nothing as usual. The head nurse, whose name I finally found out is Bertha, rushes around with the dark-haired nurse. The eighth floor seems particularly swamped today, so there’s no time for questions. Left to my own devices, I’m determined to develop a deeper relationship with Alyssa.
Our interactions have been limited to her basic needs for the most part. I change her linens, give her baths, and attempt conversation with her while getting nowhere. She’s like an armored battleship ready for war. I tiptoe around to keep from disturbing her whenever possible. However, her situation still pricks me. She must feel so alone and deserted.