“What if she did?” Jessie retorted. “That doesn’t mean she’s left. She’s around somewhere.”
Chase forced himself not to shout at her. He dragged her to the sofa and shoved her down onto it.
“Stay put,” he commanded sharply. “I’ve got something I want you to see.”
He was back in a moment, and tossed a slim book down beside her on the sofa.
“I have no idea what’s in that,” Chase said. “I took it out of your mother’s trunk after she left the room, and I forgot to give it to her. It may just be nonsense—or it may not. Look through it, Jessie. See for yourself what a woman like Rachel would have to write about.”
Chase walked out of the room, leaving Jessie alone. She picked up the book, then angrily tossed it away. She didn’t care. It would be nothing but lies, anyway. No, Rachel wouldn’t write lies, not to herself, not in a diary. The book was meant for her eyes only.
Jessie stared at the book, then quickly picked it up.
Dec. 12,1863. I never dreamed my fingers would heal as well as they did. When Dr. Harrison suggested writing as an exercise for them, I laughed. I have no one to write to. It was good to find I could still laugh, though. My jaw doesn’t hurt anymore. And Dr. Harrison assures me that since my pregnancy was only two months along, the baby shouldn’t be affected. I won’t believe that until I feel it kicking.
Dec. 13, 1863. I still can’t write about what happened at the Rocky Valley. I don’t think I ever will be able to. Dr. Harrison said a journal was an excellent idea, and he thinks I should write about what Thomas did to me. I can’t.
Dec. 23, 1863. I have forgotten what it’s like to have a full belly. I never should have left Dr. Harrison’s care and moved on with the little money he gave me. God bless him for trusting me to pay him somehow. But I can’t find work. My body is still too tender for hard labor.
Dec. 27,1863. I got a job finally. I’m in a little town I’d never even heard of. It was as far as Dr. Harrison’s money would take me. Waiting on tables would be a lot easier if the hours weren’t so long. With every penny I can save, it will still be another three weeks before I have enough to get me to Jessica.
Dec. 30,1863. How can I write about this? But why not? What is being raped by a drunken old man compared to being beaten nearly to death by the man I love? This man was one of the customers, at least I think he was. He was waiting for me outside the restaurant. Thank God it was over so quickly. Am I becoming immune to pain?
Jan. 18,1864. It is taking longer to leave here than I’d anticipated. The baby’s first kick startled me so that I dropped a stack of dishes. I have to pay for them. But the baby kicked! Thank God Thomas didn’t kill his son!
Jan. 26,1864. God help me, but I’m beginning to hate Thomas. It wasn’t enough that he beat me and kicked me out for no reason, not caring whether I lived or died. But now he’s taken Jessica from me. The only thing waiting for me at her school was a letter from Thomas that he’s divorcing me and he’ll kill me if I try to see Jessica, ever. He took her out of school more than three months ago. Jeb must have told him I survived the beating. He would have left Jessica in school otherwise. What can I do now?
Feb. 8,1864. I think Jonathan Ewing may have saved my life. I’ve never met such a kind man. With no work available for a woman in my condition, I had resorted to begging. Thomas had made sure that the few friends I had left would not help me. What happened to the man I loved? Will I ever understand why Thomas turned against me? Did he lose his mind?
Jessie ran from the room with the journal clasped to her breast.
Chapter 39
THE Union Pacific was late. Otherwise, Rachel and Billy would have missed the train. Their trunks were loaded, and boarding had begun. Rachel was waiting on the platform while Billy had a few last words with Jeb. She was trying not to think about leaving the ranch, leaving the Rocky Valley again.
“Mother!”
Rachel froze. That wasn’t Billy’s voice. She saw the Appaloosa halting at the end of the platform, and recognized the rider. Jessie sat on her horse and stared at Rachel for a moment before jumping down from Blackstar.
She was aware of nothing around her except Rachel, getting to Rachel as fast as she could. She ran. There was a whirlwind of emotion running through her.
Rachel held her breath as her daughter came toward her. Jessie’s eyes reflected feelings she had never seen in them—misery, desperation. She saw the book Jessie was holding out to her, and she flushed hotly with the realization of what she’d read. What did it mean for Jessie to be there with it? That silly book had accomplished what nothing else could!
“Jessica?” Rachel held out a hand tentatively, but the moment their fingers touched, Jessie’s control shattered, and she threw herself into Rachel’s arms. “Mother! Oh, Mother, I’m so sorry! I’ve been so cruel to you,” Jessie cried. “But I couldn’t let you see that I love you, that I’ve always loved you.”
“I know, dearest. It doesn’t matter now.” Rachel could barely get the words out, she was so choked. “Oh, Jessica, don’t cry.”
“When I think of what I put you through, what Thomas did, oh, Mother, you’ve been so wronged!”
“Jessica—Jessie, look at me.” Rachel clasped her face in her hands. “Dearest, none of it was your fault. And none of it matters now that I have you back.”
Jessie looked into her mother’s eyes. She cried all the harder. “Hold me, Mother. If you only knew how often I have dreamed of being held in your arms again.”
The train whistle blew. Rachel stiffened. Jessie looked up, panic in her face.
“You can’t go now—not now!”
Rachel smiled gently. “Our trunks are already on board.”
“Then we’ll take them off!”
Rachel laughed at the stubborn note that came so quickly to her daughter. “Dearest, you need some time alone with your new husband.”
“Damn, don’t use that excuse. You wouldn’t be leaving if I hadn’t married him.”
“But you did.”
“I’ll divorce him!”
“No, you won’t, Jessica. Your baby needs him, even if you think you don’t.”
Jessie lowered her eyes, her cheeks reddening. “He told you about that, I suppose?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I still don’t need time alone with him.”
“Yes, you do. All newlyweds need time to themselves. But I’ll be back as soon as I get Billy settled in school and attend to some business matters I’ve neglected. It won’t be long, Jessica. All right?”
“You promise to come back, Mother?”
There was such pleading in Jessie’s voice that Rachel nearly decided to stay. But she felt strongly about not intruding on the first weeks of the new marriage. Chase and Jessie needed time. All was not happy between them.
“I promise to come back. But I want you to promise you’ll give Chase a chance. He’s a good man.”
Jessie sighed. “We can talk about that when you come back.”
Rachel grinned. “Stubborn to the end, my darling.”
Jessie handed Rachel the diary.
“You didn’t read all of it, did you?” Rachel asked, remembering the heartache she had poured into it recently.
“No, but I’d like to.”
Rachel patted Jessie’s cheek, then gathered her in her arms again for a last hug. “I don’t think either of us needs to read this book again.”
“I love you, Mother.”
“Oh, Jessica, I’ve waited so long to hear you say that.” The tears began again. “I love you, too, and I’ll be back soon, darling.”