She took in the concern on my face, and that seemed to calm her more than anything. She dropped her head forward against my shoulder. “No. I’m fine.”
“You’re the smarter one of us,” I told her, wrapping my arms around her for comfort. “I need you to keep your head.” She huffed with slight amusement, and I gave her one tight hug before pushing her back enough so she’d look at me. “On my life, I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“I know.” She stretched upward to peck me on the cheek. “And I’d do the same for you, but we owe it to Kingston to depart immediately.”
I nodded my agreement, and now that she was a bit calmer, we gathered our things and went to search for Kingston. When we explained to him what had happened, he seemed to think it best that we leave right away as well. The horses were prepared, and after giving our thanks for their hospitality, Ava and I continued our journey south.
Chapter 9
We’d been traveling for days now since we’d left the Vigilant camp, following along the main road that connected Valens to Ronan. We were technically in Ronan now, and everything was changing. Though we’d been traveling uphill all day, crossing the last mountain range between here and Ronan’s capital, it wasn’t getting colder. It was getting warmer. There was still a chill in the air, but the snow had been thinning considerably since yesterday. By now, all that really remained was a frosty glow on the foliage around us. I was so accustomed to the bitter cold that I’d even shed my fur coat, and was starting to wonder what I’d do about the heat infamously related to Ronan.
Ava was traveling at my side atop the horse that Kingston had given her. Right now she was laughing: an infectious, open laugh that echoed in the thinning woods around us even though I wasn’t finished with my story. I was telling her about how I’d dealt with some older boys who’d harassed Nilson a couple of years ago. Anytime Nilson got near town or went to the river outside it with any of his friends, they’d terrorized him. So I’d snuck down to the river and kept out of sight so Nilson wouldn’t see me. Clearly I hid the boys’ clothes, but even better was that I’d set Albus on them once they got out of the water.
“Completely nude?” Ava asked, still cackling.
“Aye,” I answered. “Ran baring their pasty bums all the way back to town. Albus chased them at least a mile.”
Ava snorted. “And what did you do with their clothes?”
“I let Nilson decide.” As I replied, I peered ahead of us to see how the terrain was changing. We were almost to the top of this mountain. “He’d been plotting his revenge,” I continued, “though he had little means to executing it.” Ava nodded in anticipation. “He’d discovered where they all lived. So he cut out the back of all their trousers and we dropped the clothes off at their doorsteps.”
“You Thaon’s are a ruthless lot,” Ava accused with a delighted laugh.
I hummed my agreement. “King Hazlitt had better be careful.”
“I’m sure he has nightmares about seat-less trousers.”
“Letting Nilson on the king will be a last resort,” I teased.
Ava laughed off the conversation for a minute before saying, “I wish I could have met your brother.”
“He would’ve liked you.” I imagine Nilson and Ava would’ve gotten along very well. He was only ten years old, but I almost envied his charm when it came to girls. Almost. “What will you do?” I asked, following the direction my thoughts were taking me. “If you can’t stay in Ronan?”
Ava considered it for a long moment without looking at me, and then shrugged. “Perhaps I’ll go with you and meet Nilson after all.”
She sounded so casual about it, in a way that made it seem like she wouldn’t have minded if that was what really happened. But all it did was hurt, because it felt like she was joking when being with her was one of the few things I’d ever wanted out of life. I wanted it more every day. Every time she sat by me at the fire at night, every time she kissed my cheek and grabbed my hand and smiled at me.
“You shouldn’t say those things,” I murmured.
Though I wasn’t looking at her, I could sense that she’d glanced over at me with surprise. “Why?”
“Because our fortunes could never align like that.”
“Kiena,” Ava said, with a sigh so soft that I almost didn’t hear it. “Sometimes things are only impossible because you believe them to be.” I didn’t know what to say to that, so she added, “If my real father doesn’t accept me, how many other choices will I have?”
I didn’t answer, but I realized what she meant. She had no other choices. If King Ironwood didn’t accept that she was his daughter, if he didn’t decide to throw us both in prison for being from Valens, where would she go? She couldn’t go back to Guelder, and she’d shown no interest in seeking out her mother’s other family in Ronan. So why wouldn’t she go with me? But the fact that it was so much more probable than I’d allowed myself to think was as exciting as it was terrifying. If she went with me, she wouldn’t be a princess. No one would stop us from being together, and all it would take was a rejection in Ronan.
The length of silence had been so extended that Ava finally asked, “Would you not want me to?”
“No, that’s not it,” I assured her. “I just, I don’t know what else I expected you to say.” I paused with hesitation, weighing the consequences for a moment before saying, “I’ve been afraid to want.”
“What is it you want?” she asked quietly, as if she already knew the answer and was scared of deterring me from saying it.
But I wouldn’t say it, not directly. “What I want makes me selfish,” I answered. “And that makes me incapable of being anything but afraid.” I wanted Ava, but more than that I wanted Ava. I wanted her not once, or not from now until I left her in Ronan. I wanted her always, but hoping that she’d be rejected in Ronan simply so she’d be with me was wrong. It was hoping that the family she’d always dreamed of, that the home she so desperately wanted didn’t want her, and I could never wish that. “Believing in something’s impossibility is simpler than hoping for it when you shouldn’t.”
I finally looked over at her, only to see that she was watching me with an understanding sympathy in her eyes. “I used to feel that way about home,” she said, and then let out an amused breath. “Hoping is terrifying.”
I nodded my agreement. In the lull in conversation, I noted how we’d finally reached the peak of the mountain’s incline. However, it wasn’t like I expected. The mountain didn’t descend after the peak. We’d reached a plateau, one that stretched for miles and miles and was our first break from the thick forest. There were scattered trees, but not enough to provide us with cover, as it was mostly tundra and boulders.
“Can I ask you something?” I asked, scanning around us as we began to traverse the lengthy top of the mountain, making sure there were no soldiers on the road because we now had a clear view of its entirety. Ava hummed her consent. “How did you find out King Ironwood was your father?”
“I’ve always known,” she answered, much to my surprise. “My mother told me when I was a child. She used to tell me stories of Ronan, many were about him.”
“You don’t talk much about your mother,” I pointed out.
Ava’s lips pursed with a regretful smile. “Hazlitt is an even crueler husband and father than he is king. It broke her long before I learned to steel myself against it.” Her shoulders slumped a bit, and I could already see why she never talked about it. “Where my mother learned complacence was the only way to lessen the heat of his temper, I learned that defiance was the quickest; his wrath was worse, but it didn’t come as often. Still… it was hard to see my mother’s complacence as anything less than making her an accomplice.”