Silas didn’t say anything in response, but I could feel that my words had stung him. I’d been harsh when all he’d done was voice a well-intentioned concern, but I didn’t know how else to react to it. Acknowledging it would only hurt, because that would mean accepting that he still cared. It would be like I wanted him to care, but I didn’t want him to care now. I’d wanted him to care six months ago. Only, he did care now, and in the lingering stillness of what could be our final parting, some bit of me felt bad for it. He was doing his penance, and whether or not I was ready to forgive him, I knew he felt guilty enough without me taking stabs at his mistakes. I’d gotten my retribution when I beat him half to death, and any further retaliation was petty.
Before the tension could get any worse, a rebel dropped off a sword by the horses that my mother and the boys were waiting near. Knowing it was for him, Silas wandered away without another word to put it on.
“You’re sure he can be trusted?” Nira asked after a minute, watching him with pursed lips as he strapped the sword to his hip.
But even as she asked, Silas finished putting on the sword, and the first thing he did afterward was kneel on one knee in front of Akamar. We couldn’t hear what he was saying, but it was clear he was introducing himself, and his gestures were gentle enough that Akamar seemed at ease.
“It’s in his best interest not to fail,” I answered.
I strapped my own sword around my waist—the one it was insisted I needed if I was going to be facing Hazlitt—while Silas made his way back over. He didn’t come to me, but went straight to Nira. “You’re the princess of Ronan?” he asked.
Nira’s gaze darted over to me, and there was a mixture of confusion and distrust in her eyes. “Yes…”
Silas looked at me too, though it appeared more that he was trying to determine whether or not he was crossing a line. I made no move to keep him from speaking to her, and so he bowed deeply. “I wanted to assure you myself, Princess,” he said, straightening again, “that your brother is safe with me. No harm will come to him, I swear it.” Nira simply stared at him for a long few seconds not knowing what to say, until, eventually, she managed to nod. Silas was satisfied enough with that, and said to me, “It’s time.”
Both Nira and I followed him to the horses so we could say goodbye, and my mother pulled me into a hug tighter than she’d ever given me in my life. “You’ll be alright,” I said, returning the embrace.
“I know we will,” she replied, and when she pulled away, her eyes were full of tears. “It’s good we’re leaving first,” she whispered, wiping a hand across her cheek as the tears spilled over. “I’m not sure I could’ve watched you ride away like he did countless times, not knowing if…”
It was clear that she was trying so hard not to cry, but when she said that, I understood why she was. My father had gone off to war and never came back, and she didn’t seem convinced that I’d be coming back either. “I’ll see you again before you know it,” I told her, bringing her in for another hug.
“You know better than to make promises,” she sniffled. I nodded, planted one last kiss to her cheek, and then turned to Nilson. He must’ve sensed the graveness of this parting, because he looked on the verge of tears too.
“When will you be back?” he asked, his eyebrows meeting in the middle.
“I don’t know,” I answered, squatting down to meet him eye to eye. His bottom lip quivered with the struggle to hold back tears. “Come here.” I wrapped my arms around him, and truly not knowing whether I’d ever see him again or not made my own eyes blur. It took a minute, but I blinked away the moisture before letting him go—that way he wouldn’t see it—and set my hands on his shoulders. “You take care of Mum and Akamar till I get back, alright?” He sniffled, reaching up to wipe the back of his hand under his nose while he nodded. “Maybe Silas will teach you how to swing a sword, so you’ve had some practice by the time Ava can give you lessons.”
That seemed to cheer him up a little, at least enough that his lips twitched with a smile. “Up you go,” I said, turning him around to grab under his arms, lifting him high enough that he could climb onto the horse. “I bet Mother will even let you take the reins.”
Once he was on, I held my hand out to help my mother climb into the saddle. Silas had been standing near while we’d been speaking, waiting for Nira to finish saying goodbye to Akamar. I met his eyes after my mother was on the horse, and it looked like he wanted to talk to me, but was unsure enough because of how I’d spoken to him earlier that he didn’t request it. After a moment, he turned away, seeming prepared to leave without ever getting it out.
“Say what you need to, Silas,” I told him, and though I didn’t voice it, I knew by the way his gaze lingered on mine that he could read the other half of that sentence. That this might be his last and only chance. I don’t know if it was for him or for me that I was prepared to listen, but either way, some part of me couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.
He strode a bit closer, watching the hand he set on the horse’s neck because he couldn’t quite bring himself to look me in the eyes. “I just wanted to say again that I’m sorry… for everything.”
“I know,” I said.
“I realize now,” he continued, “after last night, after seeing more of what Avarona’s been through, and having these last days to really think about what I put you through…” He paused, forcing himself to meet my gaze. “I had no right to beg your forgiveness. I wanted you to know that I knew that, in case—” He stopped, casting a weary glance toward my mother and brother, but he didn’t need to finish. I knew what he meant. “I wanted you to be at peace,” he nodded toward my family, “and know that I’ve got them. No matter what, and for as long as it takes.”
I felt those words at the very core of my heart, and though it didn’t suddenly make me ready to forgive him, my eyes flooded with tears. This was the Silas I’d grown up with. The Silas who’d always done what he could to care for me, and for my family, and whatever doubts I might’ve had left about him taking them were gone. “Thank you,” I whispered.
There was a short pause, during which he took in a breath and hesitated. “May you be one with the earth,” he began to recite, and I felt the corners of my mouth tense with sadness. “May the gods protect you and guide your hand. And may they teach you humility in the face of sacrifice.”
Silas had always bowed to the Caelen god of Valens, and he’d never understood my adoption of my father’s ancient religion, but that was a prayer to the earth gods. One he’d heard me say only once or twice over the years before going out on a hunt. I wasn’t going on a hunt now, but somehow it felt strangely appropriate, and it was the only prayer he knew and he was saying it solely for me, and I couldn’t keep a tear from slipping down my cheek.
I didn’t know how to respond, or that I even could without letting more tears fall. After a few moments, Silas gave a small smile and turned to walk to his horse. “Silas,” I blurted, and he stopped to face me again, but I hadn’t thought of what to say. I couldn’t forgive him, not yet, but I couldn’t let him leave without knowing that I wanted to try—not with our futures so uncertain. But someday… if I got the chance, and the time. “Be safe.”
He ducked his head in a shallow bow. “Goodbye, Kiena.”
He hopped up into the saddle behind Akamar, and Nira and I watched them ride off with my mother and Nilson at their side. Once they were out of sight, we trudged to where Ava and Rhien had taken to waiting near our horses.
“We should be going too,” I announced, and at hearing it, Kingston found his way over. “We’ll meet you at Cornwall,” I told him, climbing into my saddle while my companions did the same.