Lir stops and tries to pull the gun away from me, but I don’t release it. They’ll come after us, but I just can’t. “Just run. No more fighting today. No more blood.”
The doors aren’t far and we break through them and into the cool night air well before the men catch up to us.
* * * * * * *
The signs of abandoned civilization fade behind us as we reach the woods and plunge ahead. I take the lead, jumping and ducking erratically to avoid branches and roots. Lir stumbles, but regains his feet before I even have a chance to look back. I keep my eyes focused on the trees, looking for the right one. I see it ahead and slow. Releasing Lir’s hand I point to the tree and then point up.
My hands scramble against the bark and my feet search for purchase as I shimmy up. I’m able to grab one of the lower branches to help me and climb until the limbs start creaking under my weight. It should be high enough. Lir follows, out of breath and sweaty. He collapses against the trunk of the tree, wedged in a vee where it meets a branch. I’m a few branches above him, so I climb down until I can squeeze in next to him.
It’s awkward trying to share the small space with Lir and I end up with half my butt hanging off the branch. Moving to another branch is an option, but I can’t bring myself to move away. I need the reassurance that he brings to me. The shot of adrenaline is wearing off and the tremble in my hands has spread to my limbs and escalated into violent shaking.
Lir grabs one my hands and motions for me to scoot forward. Then he settles me between his legs with my back against his chest. It’s calming being so close to him, my body flush against his. My breaths even out and my pulse slows. I relax into him, enjoying the feel of his chest rising and falling against my back. I shouldn’t be enjoying it, this strange new closeness between us. I don’t deserve it. A warm feeling tingles in my body at his nearness and I try to ignore it.
I’m not an idiot. I know about the birds and the bees and I know about love and feelings… but knowing about something and knowing what it feels like are two completely different things. Obviously, I’m attracted to Lir, but even that is a new experience for me. The only boys I’ve really spent time around have been my brother and Flint. Of course, Jace is my brother so I’m not going to be attracted to him, but it is different than how I feel around Flint too. Flint is my friend, really more my brother’s than mine, but being close to him has never made me feel like this.
When the men come crashing through the woods nearby, Lir pulls me in closer and wraps his arms around me. My eyes close, almost by themselves. His breath, still coming in faster than normal spurts, tickles my neck and he’s pulled me so close I can even feel the beat of his heart. I should pull away, reassert my boundaries, something, anything to push him away. I’m dirty and sweaty and covered in another man’s blood, but all I can do is think about how nice it is to let someone else take control for a while, how nice it is to be pressed against him with his arm circling me, protecting me. We stay like that for a while, me leaned in close to him, even after the sounds of the men have long disappeared.
“Jax?” Lir whispers into my ear.
“Mmmmm?” Between the warmth and the feeling of safety, I’ve almost drifted off to sleep.
“Do you think it’s safe to get down now?”
My eyes spring open. What the hell was I thinking? I keep my face turned away so he can’t see my embarrassment when I answer. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
I jerk away from him and climb down a few branches until I can easily jump down to the ground. While Lir works his way out of the tree, I pull myself together. Yeah, we’re friends, allies, but anything more between me and Lir is just a foolish… what exactly? Not a dream, not a wish… just an idea. A stupid one. He’s going back to his city and I’m taking Jace home…wherever that may be.
I let Lir lead the way this time and we walk directly opposite the path the men took. Who knows if we’re even going in the right direction anymore? I can only hope that come morning I’ll be able to find a distinguishable landmark on the map so we can get back on track.
What I wouldn’t give for something to rinse my mouth out with. The stale taste of vomit coats my throat and the knees of my pants are beginning to stiffen with dried blood. I don’t care much where we wake up in the morning as long as I can get clean. I cannot walk around with the blood on me. When we finally stop to sleep, my rest will be filled with nightmares for sure.
Even awake, the wet thunk of the knife entering his throat replays in my ears and the creeping chill of anxiety climbs my spine. My hands wipe against my jeans again and again, without me even thinking about it. There’s no blood on them, not really, but I just can’t get them clean and I need them to be clean. In. Out. In. Out. Wipe. Wipe.
It’s late. I’m tired. “I’ve gotta stop. I can’t…I can’t…” I slump against a tree. “I…”
“You don’t have to explain. We can stop here,” he says.
Lir backs up until he’s beside me and slides to the ground. I follow him down and he adjusts me until we’re half-sitting half-laying down in a similar position to how we were in the tree, me between his legs with my back resting against his chest. My breaths are still ragged and the sound of the knife…my knife… hitting its target is starting to drown out everything else.
I sway back and forth, rocking slightly to the beat of my breathing. He doesn’t say a word, just holds me until I gain control of myself and lean back against him. It will be okay. I had to do it. Just like before. No! I will not think about that. I slam my eyes shut and squeeze them closed so tightly bright lights play behind my eyelids.
Lir rubs my arm and wiggles around a little before leaning his head back against the tree. I rest my head on his shoulder and, if I tilt my head, I can just make out his profile. He’s still awake. His lashes sweep across his cheek when he blinks and his throat bobs when he swallows. What is he thinking about? I bet he can see now how strong I’m not, maybe even regretting sticking around for me. I’m not even strong enough to face the nightmares I know are coming.
I just watch him, studying his face, memorizing his features…why?… holding my eyes open until I lose the battle and drift off.
When the dreams finally come…they’re not at all what I expect. My dreams once again focus on me, me in danger, me crying, me shaking… It’s not the fear or the blood of those I killed filling my head, but my own. A sense of helplessness as a hand grabs my wrist. Shock at finding me covered in blood, shifting to relief that it’s not mine…
Many shifting scenes later and I’m back to looking out of my own eyes. Jace stands with his hand out, backed by a bright white light. His mouth moves, but no words come out and then his face twists, a scream flowing out past his lips. Echoing, bouncing, over and over, my brother screams.
My eyes fly open and I break out of Lir’s hold, springing to my feet, a silent scream resting on my lips. The rise and fall of my chest is rapid and it takes a moment before my heartbeat slows enough for me to even try to relax. I pace forward and back a few times, trying to work out the shakiness in my limbs. What the hell was that?
Eyes still closed, Lir hasn’t moved. I shake my head. Pale, scruffy and obviously exhausted, he needs the sleep, so I leave him be. If only I could find the same escape back into sleep.
My eyes feel like sandpaper and I’m less than fully alert. Briskly, I rub my hands up and down on my arms. I’m used to the nightmares, but that was something else, something worse. Jace is in terrible danger, he is in pain…and there is no possible way for me to know that, but I do. Every piece of me can feel it and a new urgency fills my body. Time is running out.
Red streaks in the sky signal the sunrise and it’s nearly light enough for us to set out. If we haven’t gotten too far off course, we should now be within two days of the city. Forty eight more hours for Jace to wait. Hopefully.
I pull the map from the satchel and eye a nearby tree. It’s not very tall, but it should get me high enough to make out where we are. The rough bark scrapes my palms as I climb, but I ignore the discomfort.