Her knuckles were white from how tightly she clenched the steering wheel, while other cars blew past her as though they owned the highway. It was nothing short of terrifying. Though the drive only took a little over two hours, it felt like an eternity. Josh went on and on about how surprised they would be to see him, how perfect everything would be. She nodded occasionally, but her eyes remained locked forward, only half-hearing what he said. She just didn’t want to die, not this way. She could only imagine what it would be like to wreck at this speed. She kept slowing down to ten miles under the limit, but Josh would quickly point it out and she would have to speed up again.
She hadn’t been ready to leave until early evening, learning to drive and studying a map of her route. Cody had assured her the traffic would be that much lighter for their delay. Maybe that was true on the highway, but leaving Boise now officially rated number one as the most terrifying experience of her life.
They arrived in Twin Falls late in the evening. She’d calmed a bit, the traffic here proved to be quite a bit less. Half an hour later they pulled over in front of Josh’s home. The modest two story house looked nice and well taken care of. It had a big yard and a large tree out front that she imagined any boy would be thrilled to climb. Though night had fallen, they hadn’t closed their curtains, and from the road she could see straight into their living room.
“Well here we are,” she said, “I guess this is it.”
“Thank you,” Josh said, and threw his arms around her, squeezing her tightly. “I’ll never forget you.”
She hugged him back. He seemed so frail in her arms, so much smaller now. “I wish you the best.”
As he pulled away from her he said, “See I told you that you were a real angel.”
She laughed with him. “I think you had several angels watching over you. You just didn’t know it.”
He nodded, his smile so big it threatened to split his face in two. He hopped out and waved and walked to the house.
She watched him go. Everything felt right. It looked like a good house for a boy to grow up in. It needed a kid’s presence. The boy had believed against all odds that he would make it home. He had. He’d proven the world wrong.
In the open window she could spy into their world. She could see the kind of home the boy had to look forward to. She could see clearly into the dining room, where they would all sit together for supper and talk about their day. It would be a home-cooked meal of course, that’s what mother’s like that fixed, even these days where everything came in a box. In the living room an upright piano rested against the wall. The house had music too. Josh hadn’t mentioned that. They probably didn’t sit around a television. They would gather around it and sing as a family, enjoying each other’s company.
She wanted to believe that. Josh had what every child dreamt of. He had a real, loving home.
Josh’s owner, his father, moved in front of the window, followed closely by his wife. They were both attractive, a perfect family. How would it be to have what he had? Josh saw them too as he neared the door. He stopped to watch, probably looking at them from the outside for one last time before he joined them.
She didn’t blame him. She felt a twinge of jealousy. How would it be to be a part of that? To have a husband, a child, like Josh most likely, the security of a warm, loving home. She could almost picture it. That world had never been meant for her.
Maybe one day in Cody’s artificial world. Yes, it would be her heaven.
In front of the window, with the husband and wife, a little blond girl with pigtails skipped up and joined them. The dad bent over, grabbing her up in a bear hug. Josh hadn’t mentioned a sister.
But Josh hadn’t budged. He collapsed, dropping to his knees. “Go on,” she whispered, willing him to get up, “Go in.”
But he didn’t move. The Norton’s… his parents… closed the curtains without seeing them. A minute passed by, then another. Still the boy remained motionless. She stepped out the car, walking slowly up behind him. “Josh? Josh honey? Why don’t you go in?”
He didn’t answer. She placed her hand on his shoulder but he didn’t turn his head.
“Josh?”
She shook him lightly. Finally she walked around to face him and knelt down. His eyes were open, but he didn’t see her. They were wide and sad, but he didn’t shed any tears. He had shut down.
Gently she scooped him up in her arms. He should’ve been heavier, but there was nothing to him. She slipped him into the back seat of the car and stood there staring at him. If she hadn’t looked into his eyes, she would’ve sworn he slept. He had willed himself to shut down a final time.
He’d finally given up.
10
The light blinded him. Josh blinked, and slowly the room came into view. He lay in a small bed, in a room with few furnishings. It looked like a hotel room. He rolled over, not surprised to see Angel. Her face showed concern, staring at him with red and puffy eyes.
He looked up at her, seeing her perhaps for the first time. Not the woman he thought was an angel, her expression so full of apathy when they’d first met. Not the toy of Cody or the woman that had stood up to James. He saw a young woman, a girl really, not even old enough to be an adult, not in this world. Her hands covered her mouth. She looked as though she’d been praying. She was nothing but a scared, lonely child too.
“Why?” he asked, “Why did you bring me back? I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to live anymore.”
“Josh…”
Just another scared little girl. She would try to talk him into going into the simulation now, joining her in an imaginary world, their only hope for heaven. The world had turned its back on them. She would try to talk him into leaving it, like an angel.
“I can’t live with the memories,” Josh said, “I still love them, I can’t stop the feelings. Even though I know it’s all true now, that they threw me away, that they replaced me. I could never be good enough for them to take me back. I’m still broken. My soul is broken. I don’t want it anymore, I don’t want to feel. I want to go to sleep and forget it all. Please, Angel. Turn me off.”
She reached for his arm hesitantly, as though he might pull away, but he didn’t have the fight left in him. His final hope rested with her.
“Josh,” her voice was barely louder than a whisper, “I will if you want me too. But I want to present you with one other option. What if… what if I could be your mother?”
He shook his head. “That’s impossible. They’re imprinted in me. It’s why I can’t stop loving them, even now. And what if Kidsmith decides that they have to find me? I don’t want reset.”
Angel held up a tablet with the Kidsmith logo across it. “I don’t have to reset you. I know a really good hacker that knows kids. I can erase the impression. I could be your mother…
“…if you would have me.”
Her words sunk in slowly. He saw her anew, but this time clearly. She wasn’t a scared little girl, but she was scared for him. And he saw her fear born in anticipation, that he would tell her no and reject her offer.
“I’ve done it to myself already,” she continued, “I’ve erased all tracking data. I’ve removed my imprints but I’ve kept everything else the same. I have all of my memories. I can’t promise what you had, but I can be your mother. I can give you love. I can fix you when you break. I will never leave you or throw you away. We can figure out this world together, you and me.
“But it’s your choice. I won’t force it upon you. You’ll remember everything, but you’ll be able to move on. I won’t force you to love me. I won’t change your personality. You’ll still be Josh.”