After Writer Liu accepted his appointment as PR Liu, his first task was to deal with Baldy Li's vast mountain of mail. These letters came from every corner of the country and were all from self-avowed virgins. The thought of a multimillionaire who had never experienced love or met an honest-to-goodness virgin captured the imagination of countless women, leading them to write him letters professing their undying devotion. Young girls and young wives, mothers and prostitutes, city gals and country lasses, middle-school, high-school, and M.A. and Ph.D. students, even a lady professor all claimed to be virgins. Furthermore, they all either hinted or stated outright that they wanted to offer Baldy Li their hymens, which they had carefully preserved up to this point.
Every day the postman would deliver a huge sack of mail, and then a couple of burly young fellows from Baldy Li's company would drag the bag from the mailroom to Writer Liu's — or, rather, PR Liu's — office. PR Liu worked diligently. His office was right next door to Baldy Li's, and, like Baldy Li, he became so busy that he only had time to sleep two or three hours a night. He read through the vast pile of virgins’ letters, selecting a few of the better ones to read out loud to Baldy Li. Baldy Li was so busy that he barely had time to take a breath, so PR Liu had to seize whatever free moment Baldy Li happened to have. For instance, he would read a bit while Baldy Li was taking a piss, a bit more when he was taking a shit, and a bit more while he was having dinner. When Baldy Li went out, PR Liu followed behind, reading him a choice excerpt or two. When Baldy Li got into his sedan, Liu would also squeeze in and continue reading. When Baldy Li returned home in the middle of the night and lay down in bed, PR Liu would stand next to his bed reading; and when Baldy Li fell asleep, Liu would lie down at his feet and sleep as well. When Baldy Li woke up, PR Liu would immediately spring to his feet and continue reading as Baldy Li brushed his teeth, washed his face, and ate his breakfast. He continued reading right up until Baldy Li reached his office and became occupied with other matters, and only then would he rush off to brush his own teeth, wash his own face, and eat his own breakfast. Then he would bury himself again in the mountain of letters, struggling to get through each new batch that arrived with the days mail.
PR Liu became Baldy Li's shadow, and the virgins’ letters titillated Baldy Li to no end. When he thought of there being so many hymens throughout the country, lined up like a Great Wall of troops waiting for him, Baldy Li couldn't help excitedly scratching his thighs with both hands. The letters PR Liu picked were the most brilliant and moving ones, and Baldy Li's eyes would glitter as he listened to them. He was like a child in nursery school, crying out innocently at every turn, "Really? Really?"
Later Baldy Li found that he couldn't get away from these virgins’ letters; they had become his spiritual sustenance. He became addicted to them as if they were amphetamines, and whenever he felt tired, he would have PR Liu read him a passage, after which he would immediately be able to throw himself back into his work. While he was being interviewed or was discussing business, he would often develop an irresistible craving and would have to sneak out and have PR Liu read him another letter. Only then would the reinvigorated Baldy Li be able to sit back down with the reporters or business partners. During that period, he would often forget that his public relations director was called PR Liu and instead would call him simply Virgin Letter. PR Liu was human, however, and therefore periodically also had to go to the bathroom to take a piss or shit. And if sometimes, when Baldy Li needed a hit of his spiritual heroin and couldn't immediately locate PRLiu, he would stand in the middle of the hall and call out frantically, "Virgin Letter, where are you? Where the fuck have you gone?"
At that point, PR Liu would dash out of the bathroom, holding up his pants with one hand and a letter with the other, and start reading aloud.
CHAPTER 60
THE REPORTERS swept in and retreated like a tidal wave, all in the space of three months. During that time, Baldy Li flitted about like a social butterfly, until one day he suddenly noticed that the reporters were gone. Although there was still a steady stream of people coming to town to discuss business with him, suddenly there were no more reporters, and Baldy Li was finally able to relax a bit. Feeling as though he had been relieved of a heavy burden, he said that now he could finally sleep like a normal person. The first night, as soon as his head hit the pillow, he slept eighteen hours straight. Even after waking up when PR Liu called him on the phone, he complained that he hadn't slept enough. PR Liu himself had slept for seventeen hours and also complained that he hadn't slept enough. As both men lazed about in their beds, PR Liu read Baldy Li virgin letters for two hours until he heard thunderous snores on the other end of the line. Only then did Liu put down the virgin letters, and as soon as he closed his eyes he immediately started snoring as well. Baldy Li and PR Liu each slept for five more hours, and both sported puffy and bloodshot eyes when they saw each other at the office the next day.
For the next week, Baldy Li lounged on the couch in his office, listening to PR Liu's hoarse voice read more letters. Although the virgins’ heartfelt letters still stimulated him like spiritual heroin, he found it hard to adjust to the reporters’ sudden disappearance and became increasingly distracted. Interrupting PR Liu's reading, he wondered aloud, "Why did those bastards all vanish at the same time?"
PR Liu stood in front of Baldy Li's couch and explained that that was the nature of the media — bastards, each and every one of them, flocking en masse toward whatever happened to be the latest hot spot. Like dogs, they pounced wherever there were bones.
Baldy Li abruptly sat up and said, "And do you mean that I, Baldy Li, am no longer a bone?"
PR Liu stammered in response, "Boss Li, you shouldn't speak of yourself in that way."
Baldy Li lay down again on the couch and dispiritedly continued listening to the latest virgins’ letters. He was lost in thought, and after listening to Liu read for a while, he suddenly sat up, face flushed with excitement, and cried out, "No, I insist on being a bone."
The continuous flow of virgin letters had given Baldy Li an inspiration, and he announced that he was going to host a National Hymen Olympic Games. When PR Liu heard this, his eyes opened wide in amazement, whereupon Baldy Li gushed ideas while walking back and forth through his office. He uttered the word fucking more than twenty times. He was going to make those fucking reporters come running back like mad dogs. He wanted the fucking television reporters to broadcast his Hymen Olympics live and also to have it streamed live on the fucking Internet. He wanted the fucking sponsors to open up their fucking checkbooks and take out their fucking money, and to have fucking ads for the games plastered all over the streets and alleys. He wanted to have those fucking beauties wear bikinis and sashay up and down the street, and to have the fucking townspeople of Liu feast their fucking eyes on the spectacle. He wanted to establish a fucking Hymen Games organizing committee, find some fucking political leaders to serve as fucking chairmen and fucking deputy chairmen, and find ten fuckers to come serve as fucking judges. Pausing briefly at this point, he specified that the ten judges must all be male. Finally, he told PR Liu, "And you will be my fucking spokesman."
With pen and paper in hand, PR Liu quickly recorded Baldy Li's fucking instructions. Only after Baldy Li sat down on the couch to catch his breath did PR Liu speak, singing the praises of Baldy Li's brilliant scheme and proposing two very minor suggestions. First, he volunteered that it seemed somewhat inappropriate to call it a Hymen Olympic Games and asked whether they could change the name to Inaugural National Virgin Beauty Competition.