"This is a Lady Meng Jiang brand hymen," Wandering Zhou said proudly. "Lady Meng Jiang's tears could topple the Great Wall, so naturally her hymen is sturdy."
In the ensuing peals of laughter, Wandering Zhou poked the hymen a third time and this time was finally able to puncture it, releasing a flood of blood-colored liquid. He proudly gestured and said, "Did you see? Did you see? This is wedding-night virgin blood!"
After the laughter died down, Wandering Zhou recommenced his original routine. Because Poet Zhao wasn't married, Wandering Zhou called out to Song Gang, "Song Gang, what brand of artificial hymen did your wife use last night?"
"An imported Joan of Arc one, of course," Poet Zhao replied on Song Gangs behalf. Then he added, in the same proud tone as Wandering Zhou, "Song Gangs wife wouldn't be using domestic products, would she?"
Wandering Zhou asked Song Gang again, "Last night when you made love, how did your wife feel?"
Again, it was Poet Zhao who replied, "She cried out in agony!"
Wandering Zhou nodded with satisfaction, then asked, "How did you feel?"
Again, it was Poet Zhao who replied, "Broke out in a cold sweat."
This response, however, displeased Wandering Zhou. He frowned and said, "It should have been warm sweat from all that happy exertion."
Poet Zhao immediately corrected himself. "First it was a cold sweat, and then—a-one, a-two, a-three—three seconds later, it turned into warm sweat!"
"Well said!" Wandering Zhou said loudly. "After three seconds of enjoyment, a polar chill becomes an African heat wave." Wandering Zhou was very pleased with Poet Zhao's rapid correction. He nodded approvingly, then confidently asked Song Gang, "Song Gang, in conclusion, what is the greatest advantage of artificial hymens?"
This time Song Gang blushed, blushing under his mask all the way from his neck to his forehead. He hadn't expected that he would still be placed in such a difficult position even if he didn't speak or nod. Now he wanted to find a hole in the ground to crawl into. In the end, it was again Poet Zhao who answered for him. Pointing at Song Gang, he said loudly, "Song Gang's wife is the only woman he has slept with in his entire life. But after she used an artificial hymen" — Poet Zhao held up two fingers—"Song Gang can say he has now slept with two virgins."
"You are absolutely right!" Wandering Zhou's eyes shimmered with excitement, and he shouted to everyone, "That is the advantage of artificial hymens. They not only allow women who have already lost their hymens to regain their self-confidence and self-respect, but furthermore help men to be even more faithful to their wives! Quick, come buy some. Women should buy them, and men need to buy them even more! For the price of a single operation in the hospital, with Joan of Arc hymens men can enjoy more than ten deflowerings with a single woman, and with Lady Meng Jiang hymens you'd be able to enjoy thirty deflowerings."
The virgin beauties and the Liu townspeople all laughed as they enjoyed this song-and-dance between Wandering Zhou and Poet Zhao. But as they watched they became somewhat confused. One man pointed at Song Gang and asked Poet Zhao, "He was clearly asking Song Gang, so why are you always the one who answers?"
"Would you be willing to talk openly about sleeping with your wife?" Poet Zhao retorted. "You wouldn't be, and neither is Song Gang. Therefore, he asked me to answer for him."
By this point Song Gang profoundly regretted having gotten himself into this situation and kept his head bowed low. Song Gang didn't say a word, neither nodding nor shaking his head. He just stood there, feeling extremely uncomfortable, as if there were a dull knife sawing away at his flesh. Wandering Zhou's sales pitch was extremely successful, and though no one bought a hymen on the spot, that night people kept waking Wandering Zhou and Poet Zhao as they slept next to the road, quietly asking to buy their artificial hymens. For several nights in a row, Wandering Zhou and Poet Zhao were woken by these hymen buyers even more often than by the mosquitoes. Most of the time it was virgin beauties who had come to take part in the competition, but sometimes it was young women from Liu Town. Of course, many men came to buy them as well, having all been affected by Poet Zhao's pitch and thinking to themselves that if they couldn't sleep with another woman, then at least they could experience several more first nights with their own wives.
All of this made Wandering Zhou look at Poet Zhao with new respect. He said, "You are truly a rare talent, and we should definitely collaborate in the future. This time your bonus will probably exceed your original salary."
When Poet Zhao heard this, he was delighted and asked, "How much of a bonus will I receive?"
Wandering Zhou replied, "You'll know when the time comes."
That same day, news of their performance made its way to Lin Hong, who became furious. She was about to erupt in anger when she returned home, but seeing Song Gang slumped on the couch with an uneasy, pathetic expression softened her heart, and she realized that he was merely trying to earn money for their household. Shaking her head, she walked to the outer room, but when she saw Poet Zhao, her anger immediately returned. She rushed at him furiously and, seeing that there was no one around, said in a low voice, "You bastard!"
CHAPTER 63
THE INAUGURAL National Virgin Beauty Competition finally began, attracting worldwide attention. In recognition of the fact that the event was being held in the street, and in consideration of both the blazing sun and the virgin beauties’ delicate skin, the organizing committee decided to host the competition between afternoon and evening. The opening day was the most magnificent afternoon Liu Town had ever seen. Three thousand bikini-wearing virgin beauties — tall and short, fat and thin, beautiful and ugly — stood in a row stretching back more than a mile. Even the longest street in Liu Town was not long enough to hold them all, and therefore the line of virgin beauty troops turned a corner, extended over a bridge, and stretched down a second street.
The entire town turned out for the spectacle. The stores closed, all the factories stopped work, and all the other businesses also let their employees off early. As a result, everyone in town was crowded up and down both sides of the street, the wutong trees on the sides of the road were full of people who had clambered up them like monkeys, and all the electrical poles had men performing pole dances on them. The windows of the houses on both sides of the street were full of people, as were the rooftops. The doctors and nurses from the hospitals rushed out, explaining that if they didn't come see the spectacle, it would be a thousand years before a similar opportunity presented itself. The patients also came out, some using crutches and others with their arms in slings. Those who were in the process of having intravenous infusions came out holding their IV bottles, and those who had just had operations were carried out by their friends and relatives. Even if they had to be lying on a gurney or sitting on the backs of bicycles, everyone came out.
People from neighboring cities and counties spent up to five or six hours riding over on their bicycles, and then another five or six hours biking back after having caught a glimpse of the virgin beauties. Liu Town, which ordinarily had a population of about thirty thousand, more than tripled in size, to more than one hundred thousand. The streets with the virgin beauties standing in line were cleared out, and the traffic cops, armed police, and peoples police were mobilized, forming a firewall to hold back the crowds. For the police, this was their happiest day, because they were able to see the virgin beauties more up close than anyone else. Even happier, however, were the reporters, since they were the only ones allowed to walk up and down the cleared-out streets. When they spotted a pretty woman, they would stop and interview her, carefully inspecting her heaving bosom and her belly button.