Miles went up to his study, as he always did. Time passed. The agony became greater. At last, treading very softly, he went to Lisa’s door.
The room where Miles and Diana slept was on the same landing as Miles’s study. The room where Lisa slept was on a separate landing down some stairs. Miles was not afraid of waking Diana, who was a prompt and sound sleeper.
He did not knock on the door but turned the handle very quietly and stepped noiselessly through into the darkness of the room.
The intensely enclosed darkness and silence seemed for a moment to stifle him and he put his hand to his throat. The violent pounding of his heart was making him feel sick and faint. He stood still, releasing the doorhandle, trying to breathe normally. He could see nothing, but after a while he began to hear the soft sound of Lisa’s sleeping breath. He moved very quietly forward with hands outstretched, his feet questing carefully for obstacles. He could see the whiteness of the bed now and very dimly discern the shape of her head and the dark hair fanned out upon the pillow. She was lying on her back, one arm outstretched upon the counterpane. Miles put a hand out towards the bed. He was trembling so violently that his fingernails scratched the sheet with a tearing sound. Uttering a sighing groan he fell on his knees beside the bed. He could see her profile outlined against the window. He touched her hair.
”Oh! Miles!” She moved quickly, half sitting up.
Miles put his arms out gropingly. In a second she had put her arms round his neck and drawn his head violently against her breast.
Miles did not afterwards know how long they remained thus, quite motionless. Perhaps a long time. It was a moment of black blissful death. It was also a moment of absolute certainty.
”Oh God,” said Lisa.
”I love you, Lisa.”
”I know. I love you too.”
”Oh my darling-“
”I’m sorry, Miles.”
”Don’t be sorry. It’s wonderful.”
”I never thought you-Why suddenly now, Miles, what happened?”
”I don’t know. I feel I’ve loved you for years only I was blind to it. You were so necessary.”
”Yes, perhaps. But it wasn’t like this.”
”I know. This is sudden. And oh my God it’s violent, Lisa. I feel I shall die of it.”
”Was it something to do with Danby?”
”I’m a fool, a fool, Lisa. You’ve been so close to me for years. I took you for granted. I didn’t see my own needs-“
”But was it?”
”Yes, I suppose so. Not that I imagined that that imbecile-But it suddenly made me see how free you were.”
”But I’m not free, Miles. I’ve never been free. Not since I met you.”
”Lisa, you don’t mean-“
”Yes. I fell in love with you on your wedding day, the day when we first met.”
”Oh my heart-“
”I’m sorry. It’s a relief to tell you. But it’s also-a sort of death warrant. It’s all my fault, Miles. I should never have come to live here. I didn’t imagine you could ever have any interest in me except wanting to talk philosophy. I only came because I thought it inconceivable that I should ever reveal-what I have now revealed.”
”Oh Lisa, do forgive me.”
”Don’t be silly.”
”All these wasted years. Oh my darling-“
”You mustn’t think of it in that way-“
”May I turn the light on?”
”No, no light for heaven’s sake. Diana isn’t awake, is she?”
”No.”
”Miles, it’s wonderful even though it’s death. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would ever be able to touch you like this.”
”Oh Lisa, I can’t express to you-To think that you suffered-And I might never have known-“
”Well, you know now and I shall have to go away.”
”Don’t say that. You are not going away. I won’t let you. Do you want to kill me?”
”Miles, it’s hopeless, don’t you see? Oh God, to have found you like this, to hold you like this, and to know it’s death at the same time-“
”Lisa, don’t, don’t cry, my heart. We must hold this situation because we’ve got to. There is a way. This is only the first moment-“
”It’s practically the last moment, Miles. Do try to face this, my dear. We simply must not delude ourselves. And really for you-This has been something very sudden and odd like a quick storm. The real thing is Diana, all those years of sharing her bed-“
”Lisa, Lisa-“
”You must hang onto reality, Miles. Don’t worry about me. I’m infinitely grateful to you for this, it will be a sort of jewel for my whole life and I shall be a far far richer person. I’m so grateful and glad that you came to me now like this in the night. If you hadn’t come just like this I might never have told you. And I’m so happy that you know, even though it’s absolute pure pain too. But there is nothing more, nothing to do or plan, just this.”
”I don’t understand you, Lisa. I’m not going to listen to you. We’ve both been taken by surprise. We’ve got to think about it.”
”Thinking would be fatal. There must be no thinking. You know where thinking about it would get us.”
”Oh Christ.”
”You do see, Miles.”
”Lisa, I know so little about you.”
”Better so.”
”You say it’s a sudden storm. It’s not really so sudden. Sudden things are prepared for. Do you know what I noticed long ago, that we resemble each other, physically I mean?”
”Yes. I noticed too that we resemble each other. It’s because I’ve thought about you so much.”
”No, it’s because you were made for me. You are the one.”
”No, no, Miles. You are emotional and it is the black night time. You don’t know what you’re saying. What you are saying is blasphemy.”
”Parvati.”
”And Diana.”
”Diana was different. You know Diana was never like this. Nothing has been like this.”
”So you believe now, but-“
”I’d like to talk to you about Parvati. I think I could. I was never able to talk to-anyone else.”
”I’ve thought so much about Parvati. I wanted to see a picture of her only I never liked to ask you.”
”She was pregnant when she was killed.”
”Oh Miles-“
”I never told anyone, even Diana.”
”It still seems very close?”
”Yes. Sometimes as if I’d never really woken up to it yet.
I’d have to go back and make it seem like yesterday but I can’t. It’s a permanent nightmare, not something real. I wrote a long poem about her afterwards.”
”That helped?”
”Yes. It was necessary to-celebrate her death. I don’t know if you understand.”
”Yes, I think so.”
”I sometimes feel, Lisa, as if I never really experienced her death at all. I poeticized it, I made it into something unreal, something beautiful. I had to.”
”We’d all do that to death if we could.”
”Perhaps. But it remains like a kind of barrier, a falseness. I think it prevents me from writing. It’s like a curse. And yet I think it might be too terrible to experience-even now.”
”Perhaps you will experience it-when the time comes.”
”You could help me. I could relive it all with you.”
”No, no, I’m the last person-I mustn’t touch this-That’s another reason-“
”Lisa, you’re the only one I could connect with Parvati-It would give meaning to everything.”
”No. You must do that alone.”
”Lisa, you can’t leave me now that you’ve found me, it isn’t conceivable. We’re intelligent people. We can manage this. Will you promise you won’t go away?”