If I’d been able to pull myself together in the face of Sapers and George Pete Turner, now I broke down. Totally. Absolutely. Without hope or redemption. I leered down at this woman in the pink pants suit and cement hair (who reminded me disconcertingly of my own mother) and shrieked like a madman: “Ha-Ha! I did it! Yes, yes: I killed her!”
The elder Mrs. Jerpbak’s face shrank until it resembled something you might stumble across in a root cellar. She jerked back in her seat like a whiplash victim and clutched at the neck of her blouse. “Ha, ha, ha!” I crowed, turning on the younger Mrs. Jerpbak with the exultation of the Superman, beyond civility, beyond law, beyond reason. “Killed her with my own hands, I did. And by God, I enjoyed it!”
People began to turn their heads. Savoy dug her fingers into my arm and hissed in my face like some scaly thing prodded with a stick: “We were just talking about the rewards for turning in dope farmers, did you know that? Huh? Did you hear about that?” Her face was twisted and ugly, furious, vituperative, the face of an extortionist.
I didn’t feel well. I snatched the glass of clear liquid from the bar and downed it at a gulp. It was gin. I gave Savoy a sharp savage look — oh, the bitch, the bitch — folded my face up like a deck of cards (the floor heaving and swaying, faces melding in a blur as if glimpsed through the windows of a hurtling train), and then turned and vomited in the elder Mrs. Jerpbak’s lap.
Petra was sitting with Teddy and Sarah when I returned, beer-less, my bladder full and stomach empty, reeking of my own intestinal secrets and flailing through the crowd in a galloping, braying, headlong panic. “Felix,” Petra said, “where have you been?”
I could barely speak, locked in the paranoiac’s delirium, envisioning Jerpbak calling out the National Guard to avenge the assault on his mother, looking at Petra and seeing a horde of keypunchers and savings-and-loan men in fatigues, jaws grim with a spoiled weekend, their shiny new high-laced boots trampling through the scrub outside the cabin. Hounds bayed, helicopters hovered. We know you’re in there, shithead, Jerpbak bellowed through a megaphone, and then his voice faltered and broke: Ma, he bleated, Maaaaa!
“Felix?”
“Listen,” I said, panting, jerking my neck wildly as beefy faces lurched in and out of my field of vision, “listen, I’ve got to take off, I mean something’s come up, it’s, uh, well it’s my mother. Her, she—”
Petra was on her feet. “Are you all right?”
I could think of one thing only: slamming up the road to the summer camp as fast as the Toyota would take me and burying my head in the sleeping bag. “Can you, do you think you could get a ride back to town?”
Teddy and Sarah were standing now, too, their faces pinched with distrust: I was nobody, a stranger, an untouchable. I could have been a Hare Krishna begging change in the airport lobby. Petra’s jaw hardened. “Is this a joke?”
“No, listen, I’m sorry,” I said, already backing away.
“Felix.” There was impatience in her tone, exasperation. But there was something else, too: the hint of a plea.
“I’ll call,” I blurted — gutshot, terrified, stung by bestial urges and the frenzy of the doomed — as I turned to run for the car.
“Don’t bother,” Petra said.
I was running. No time to look back. I ran with all the force of the panic rising in my chest, ran in shock, ran as if the entire Jerpbak clan, Savoy, Sapers and George Pete Turner were chasing me with a pot of tar, ran till my lungs were heaving like a drowning man’s and the burning red door of the Toyota jerked back on its hinges and I plunged the key like a sword into the hot slot of the ignition.
I drove without thinking, fast and hard. Seventy-five, eighty, bad tires keening round the curves, my stomach churning. I hit the dirt road to the summer camp at fifty, slammed over scree, fallen limbs, the rock-hard hump that rose between the ruts like bread in a pan, and careened to a halt in a tangle of poison oak and stinging nettle. I shoved out of the car, fell to my knees and puked till I could feel my digestive tract strung out on a wire from throat to sphincter. My eyes watered, my head ached. I watched indifferently as a glossy black beetle crawled between my fingers and a party of ants discovered the sour eruption in their midst, then rose shakily, relieved the pressure on my bladder and forced myself back into the car. After grinding back and forth a dozen times, I managed to jerk the Toyota from the bushes and out onto the hardpan surface of the road.
It was then that I noticed the other car. An old MG, slung low, the grill like meshed teeth. It was parked on the Covelo road, almost directly across from the entrance to our driveway. I put the car in neutral and backed to the edge of the blacktop for a closer look. The car was in prime condition, newly painted, not a nick on it. There was no one in sight. Where was the driver? Had the car broken down, run out of gas? Or was this some backpacking Sierra Club freak ignoring our posted signs? I sat there a moment, studying the inert vehicle in the rearview mirror, then started up the road for the cabin.
Everything was as I’d left it — the tumbledown shack with its cloudy windows and peeling tarpaper, the gutted outbuildings, mounds of garbage. The Jeep sagged forward on its bad spring, the open hood testimony to my frustrated efforts to start it. It was six-thirty. The sun hung over the cabin as if stalled, a hushed expectant stillness in the air. Dowst wasn’t back yet.
I felt a hundred years old. My clothes were sweat-soaked, my mouth tasted of bile. I’d left the plantation for six hours and the wrath of the gods had fallen on my head. There was no doubt about it, I thought, trudging across the moribund field to the house, Savoy meant to blackmail us. And I’d have to tell them. Tell Phil and Gesh, my partners and fellow sufferers, my buddies. Tell Dowst. Tell Vogelsang. Tell them I’d gone back on my word, tell them I’d fucked up. I stepped up on the porch, scattering lizards, and the tiniest hope flared in my scored brain: Vogelsang. Maybe he could sound her out, buy her off, kidnap her and ship her to Bolivia in a crate of machine parts. Anything was possible. After all, he was used to working miracles — and he never lost. Never. Not to anyone.
The door pushed open with its usual whine of protest — bed, I was thinking, an hour’s sleep, that’s all I’ll need and then I can sort things out — when I caught a whiff of cigarette smoke and turned to see a figure seated on the couch. It wasn’t Dowst, it wasn’t Vogelsang, it wasn’t Phil or Gesh or Aorta. I stood there frozen in the doorway, stupefied, blinking at the gloom. I saw ankle boots, skinny tie, short hair brushed straight up and back.
“Hello, Felix,” Jones said.
Chapter 8
I heard the minutest sounds: the drip of the bathroom faucet, the rattle of a fly trapped against the windowpane. Tap-tap, tap. The fly threw the husk of its body against the glass — blindly, uselessly — until the rasp of those cellophane wings became unbearable. For an instant, as if in a dream, the objects of the room lost definition (shadows and shapes, shapes and shadows) and then materialized again. I saw a bag of garbage spilled beneath the stove, cobwebs, dirt, a deck of worn cards on the kitchen table, I saw Jones. The moment was timeless, eternal. Tap-tap, tap. Jones made no move to rise from the couch. Finally, the seconds swelling like blisters, he attempted a smile, the sort of smile one ten-year-old gives another before shoving him over the back of a crouching conspirator. “Don’t you remember me?” he said.