"Well… no doubt…"
"Seriously. You think I don't know you've got issues?"
"Excuse me?"
"Skipper, I'm only sayin' this 'cause I love you."
"You do?"
"You're one big ball of neurosis and insecurity. You always have been. You worry all the time. You're lonely even though you've got great friends, a great wife. You're dissatisfied even though you're doin' great work, got a great job, helpin' other people. You've got the whole world in the palm of your hands, but you don't know it."
"Do tell…"
"Sure, Christina keeps you from going totally off the deep end-"
"Does she now?"
"— but even she can't do it forever all by herself. Skipper, your friends love you. We don't wanna see you have a total meltdown. End up in the nuthouse or dead in a ditch."
"We have that in common."
"So whaddaya say?" He squeezed Ben's arms even tighter. "Come with me. Let's make the journey to inner peace together."
"Loving…"
"Are you gonna claim you already found peace of mind? 'Cause you're about the least peace-of-mind person I know."
Ben gave him a piercing look. "I appreciate your concern. But it's not for me. I hope it works well for you."
Loving looked as if Ben had just run over his cat. "Are you sure, Skipper?"
"I'm sure."
"Nothin' I can do to change your mind?"
"Absolutely nothing." He opened the door and let Loving out. "Best to the Buddha." And closed the door behind him.
Not ten minutes later, Ben was interrupted by another knock at his office door.
"Loving, I don't need no more dharma."
"Ben?"
He looked up. Dennis Thomas was poking his head through the door. "Have you got a moment?"
"Of course I do." Ben showed him to the chair opposite his desk. "How's life on the outside?"
Dennis grinned. "A lot better than life on the inside. That's for darn sure. I'm very excited about my future."
"Well, that's two of you."
"Huh?"
Ben smiled. "Loving is going on a meditation retreat. He wanted me to go. But obviously, I declined."
"I'm not surprised."
"I'm glad to hear that you don't think I've got issues."
"I didn't say that. I just said I'm not surprised you're not going."
Oh. "What can I do for you, Dennis?"
"I wanted to give you a gift."
Ben held out his hands. "That's not necessary."
"Please. As little as you charged me, it's the least I can do." He reached into his sidebag and handed Ben a big blue book. "I hope you'll like it."
Ben stared at the cover. Autobiography of a Yogi, by Paramhansa Yogananda. It's like an epidemic around here…
"I gather this has something to do with meditation?"
"The Yogananda was one of the great spiritual guides of the twentieth century," Dennis answered. "Joslyn loved him. Read everything he wrote."
"Well, I'm sure it's a fine book, but you know, I'm an Episcopalian…"
"Buddhism is a philosophy, not a religion. And the Yogananda wasn't Buddhist. He was spiritual, not religious."
"What's the difference?"
"I just wanted to give you a message. From Joslyn."
Ben blinked. "From Joslyn?"
"The last thing she said to me. Outwit the stars. At first, I thought it was some sort of mantra or something. But after I read that book, I realized she was trying to tell me something very specific. The Yogananda knew that many people believed in astrology. That our fates are steered by the stars. But he was a great believer in the strength of the spirit and the eternal nature of the soul. He believed that we could change what the stars dealt us. He believed we could become whoever we longed to be."
Ben fell silent.
"Everyone has issues with which they must deal. Baggage from parents, lovers, spouses, ex-spouses, children. From traumatic events. They deal with their problems in different ways. Or find ways to avoid them. Some of those ways actually benefit other people, but that doesn't change the fact that they are not dealing with their issues. More like self-medicating with good deeds. And how long can anyone keep that up? Not forever. It's impossible to know exactly what another person's triggers might be…"
He seemed to be peering at Ben very closely. It was making him uncomfortable.
"… but I know what Joslyn was seeing. She knew she was dying. And she knew how I would react. Because I do have a temper. That's one of the attributes the stars dealt me. She knew that could potentially get me into a lot of trouble."
Dennis averted his eyes toward the floor. "After she died in my arms, I was filled with rage. When I saw Christopher Sentz, I wanted to do more than just punch him in the face. I wanted to kill him. For days thereafter, I wanted to kill him." He shook his head. "I didn't really get my head clear until I read this book, after I got out of prison. Then I understood what Joslyn was telling me. And I did it. I let go of my anger. Not just toward Sentz. Toward everyone.
"Have I told you about the foundation?" Dennis asked eagerly. "Whatever we get from the state, I'm putting into the Joslyn Thomas Foundation. To help those with medical difficulties who can't get proper care. It's not right that people have to endanger their health because they can't afford to pay for it. It's not right that children go uninsured through no fault of their own. Let's face it-if Officer Shaw's sister had been able to afford treatment, this whole mess might never have happened. So I'm going to try to make sure it never happens again."
He leaned back in his chair. "I'm a better person now, Ben. Much better than I was before. It took a tragedy to get my life in order. But sometimes I think that's why tragedies happen. We need something dramatic to shake us by the shoulders." He smiled. "So we can outwit the stars."
He leaned forward, gripping Ben's wrist tightly. "We all can."
He stood up and clapped his hands together. "Well, I suspect you've had about enough of me for one lifetime. I'm going to get out of here. So you can move on and obsess over something else."
His eyes twinkled a bit. He walked toward the door, and just before he left, added, "Thank you, Ben. For giving me my life back. And making it better."
He left the office. But even halfway down the hallway, Ben was able to hear him shout, "Now read the book!"
Ben blew air through his teeth. Honestly. He supposed it was sweet, in a way. So many people wanting to help him. As if he needed it. The only thing he needed right now was a little time off. Although he saw from the message on his desk that Jones had a potential new client for him. She had no money and the evidence was totally stacked against her, but she seemed sincere and her trial was scheduled to start in less than a week-
He looked up. What was it Dennis had said?
Slowly, almost grudgingly, he flipped open the pages of the big blue book.
"… the soul is ever-free; it is deathless because birthless; it cannot be regimented by stars…"
43
The man standing in the shadows checked his watch for the third time in a minute. He hated this. He did not like doing it. At least, he did not like doing it himself. That was why he used others, a carefully chosen chain of well-paid associates who could get the job done with virtually no trail leading back to him. Nothing that could flow back. Except the money.
That was the way he liked it. But now that everyone with whom he associated had been either killed or arrested, he was hard-pressed to get the job done. Dr. Sentz had made one last withdrawal after he sent Officer Shaw on his merry way. And now that Sentz and Shaw had been arrested and the leaks from the hot lab at St. Benedict's had been discovered, there were likely to be no more. He needed to get rid of this stuff as profitably as possible.
Who would've imagined he would end up doing this? He had barely paid attention to high school chemistry. When he was first approached by those in the black market, he had no idea substances of such value existed anywhere in Tulsa, much less at a medical facility. It had been time for his real education, the kind you don't get at Will Rogers High School. Learned cesium was first discovered in 1860 in mineral water in Germany, the first element detected by spectrum analysis based upon the distinctive bright blue lines. An alkali metal, found naturally occurring all over the world, most especially at Bernic Lake in Manitoba. And he learned how useful it could be as a hydrology measure, an ion engine propellant, a hydrogenation catalyst, in magnetometers, in organic chemistry, as an oxidizer to burn silicon in infrared flares.