But if she were carrying Philip's child, there had to be other signs. It hit her like an explosion. All the signs were there, but she had put them aside with excuses. The dizziness, the nausea, she had blamed on the weather. She had missed her monthly time twice, but had reasoned it was because she was so unhappy. She had missed her time before, when her parents died.
She had made excuses because she was afraid to let the idea of being pregnant even enter her mind. But now she was overjoyed to have something to live for. She would have a baby—a baby that would remind her of Philip forever. Nobody could take that away from her.
But how far along was she? She was late right now for the third month, so there were only six months to go. Six beautiful, joy-filled months until she gave birth to Philip's son. She knew she would have a boy, and he would look just like his father.
With that happy thought, Christina turned on her side to sleep, a smile on her lips and her hands gently cradling her stomach.
Chapter Twenty-three
JOHN, can I talk to you before you leave?" Christina asked. She was sitting at the dining-room table sipping her third cup of tea that morning.
"Can it wait until later, Crissy? I have to get these papers to the colonel this morning before he calls the staff meeting," John replied.
"It can't wait. There's something I have to tell you now. I waited up for you last night, but you came home too late."
"All right," John sighed. He sat down across from her and poured a cup of the steaming tea. "What is so important?"
"When I was at the marketplace yesterday afternoon, I learned there's a ship sailing for England in four days. I plan to be on it."
"But why, Crissy? I realize you want to get away from this land as soon as possible, but can't you wait another five months so we can return together?"
"I can't wait."
"Of course you can. There's no reason to leave now. Why, you've been downright happy this last month: no more tears, no more sad faces. Ever since you started going out, you've changed completely. You love going down to the marketplace. You've been going out, meeting new people, and enjoying yourself, so why can't you stay with me for just five more months?"
"There's a very good reason why I have to leave now. If I stayed here five more months, I'd have to stay even longer. I can't take my"—she paused—"my baby across the sea right after he's born."
John looked at her as if she'd struck him. Christina turned away from his shocked expression, but felt greatly relieved that she'd finally told him.
"A baby," he whispered, shaking his head. "You're going to have a baby."
"Yes, John—in five months' time," Christina said proudly.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"I didn't even know myself until last month, and even then there was still some doubt in my mind."
"How could you not know about something like that?" John asked.
"I was too upset, John—too caught up with the tortures of my mind to know what was happening to my body."
"Is that why you've been so happy this last month— because of the baby?"
"Oh, yes! It's given me a reason for living again!"
"Then you intend to keep the baby, and raise it yourself?"
"Of course! How can you even ask such a thing? This baby is mine. He was conceived in love. I will never give him up!"
"It all boils down to that—that man! You want this child because it's his child. Are you going to leave without telling him about the baby? Perhaps he'd marry you now," John said angrily.
"If I thought he would marry me, I'd go to him immediately. But there's no chance. He has married Nura by now. He doesn't want this child, but I do. And I want to give birth at home in England. I must leave soon, and it might as well be four days from now."
"Have you thought what people will say? You're not married, Crissy. Your child will be a bastard."
"I know. I have thought about it often, but it can't be helped. At least he will be a wealthy bastard," she said. "But if gossip bothers you, I won't stay at home. I can always live elsewhere with my baby."
"Crissy, I didn't mean it like that. You know I'll stand by you, no matter what you decide. I was only thinking of your feelings. After all, you were pretty upset about the nasty remarks of those officers' wives."
"But I felt unwanted and miserable then. It made me feel worse to hear that no man would ever want me. But now I'm happy. I can't be hurt anymore by what people say about me. I don't care if I never marry. I only want my baby—and my memories."
"If you're happy, that's all that matters," John said. He tried to accept the fact that Christina would be an unwed mother. He knew she was strong, and he wanted to believe nothing else could hurt her.
"Your child won't have a father, but he'll have an uncle. I'll help you raise him, Crissy."
"Thank you, John!" Christina cried. She came over and stood behind his chair, wrapping her arms about his neck. "You're so good to me, John, and I love you so."
"Well, I still don't like the idea of you sailing all by yourself. It's not right."
"You're such a worrier. I'm sure nobody will bother me in my condition. As you can see, my baby is showing already," she said, turning sideways to show him. "And by the time I reach London—why, I'll be as big as an ox. I'll take lots of material and yarn with me, and spend the whole voyage in my cabin making baby clothes. And when the ship docks in London, I'll hire a coach to take me straight to Wakefield Manor. So you see, there's nothing to worry about."
"Well, at least let me write to Howard Yeats. He can meet your ship and escort you home."
"There's no time for that, John. My ship is the first one leaving. Your letter would arrive with me. And anyway, Howard and Kathren would probably insist I stay with them, and I don't want to. I want to get home as soon as possible. I want to have time to turn that small guestroom next to mine into a nursery. I'll have to put up new wallpaper, and a door to connect my room to the nursery, and—"
"Wait a minute, Crissy," he interrupted her. "You're going much too fast. What's the matter with our old nursery? It was good enough for us."
"John, do you know how far that old nursery is from my room? I intend to take care of my baby all by myself. I'll be his mother, his nanny, and his nursemaid. It's not as if I had a husband to devote half my time to. All I will have is my baby—all of my time will go to him."
"You certainly have thought this all out," John said. He was amazed how adept Christina had become at managing her own life. "Well, if you want your baby next to your room, that's where he'll go. But Johnsy won't be happy that you want to care for him all by yourself."
"Johnsy will understand once she knows the whole story. And I'll still need her help," Christina replied.
"Do you plan on telling Tommy everything, too?" John asked.
Christina hadn't given a thought to Tommy.
"No—not everything, only what's necessary."
"You know he's going to be hurt. Tommy wanted to marry you."
"Yes. But I never loved him that way. Tommy will get over it Perhaps he's already found somebody else."
John looked at her doubtfully. Tommy had cornered him before he and Crissy had gone to London. He had declared bis love for Crissy and said he could never be happy with anyone else.
"You don't really believe Tommy has found someone else, do you, Crissy? The boy loves you, and I think I can safely say that he'll still want to marry you, despite the baby."
"But I never felt that way about Tommy. I doubt I would have married him even if I'd never met Abu. He's the only man I'll ever love. He is lost to me, but I have his child and that's all that matters. I don't want to hurt Tommy, but I can't marry him."